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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@2011panc, Like I said the daffodils probably rotted in the clay soil. Daffodils like loamy soil and good drainage. Hope you like the link. There are more pictures if you just google Amador County, Daffodil Hill. Had something else to say but I lost this page and forgot it. If you get loamy potting soil and some good sized pots and just keep the pots damp, not wet they should do fine. Might be to late for you this season, don't know anything about "The lone prairie, where the coyotes howl and the wind blows free" sung by Eddy Arnold. Lost his records but can get it on youtube. Check with your nursery guy or look it up for your area on how to grow daffodils on the Prairie.
Just because I'm feeling cheered up doesn't mean I've put Mary away or anything, just dealing with it is all. Don't have enough water in the summer for a garden so I'm doing it here. My brother Phil called and we talked for about an hour. Mezi came by at around 8 am yesterday or the day before and we had a nice visit, talked for about two hours.
Hope I'm not upsetting anyone by trying a little cheer. Maybe it's just for me but I'd like you people to be happy and Blessed.
Mark
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1 ReactionHi, @muppey -- you sure can post pictures here on Connect. First, when you receive an email notifying you of a member's post in a discussion you are a part of, click on VIEW & REPLY in the email. This will take you to the particular post you are replying to on the site, where you will click on "reply," a white text box will come up, and you will see above the white text box "Add media." Click on that, and it will allow you to post a picture. I'd love to see your flowers and lilac bushes.
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3 Reactions@2011panc, Serious stuff there panc. Hate it when the woman is right! Just kidding! I know I need to quit but it's like Shelly West singing her song, "Jose Cuervo you are a friend of mine" In the song she gets blasted which I hate. But the idea is like these cigars are like a pacifier. I told one Doc that taking my cigars away would be as tough as taking a little kids pacifier away. It helps when I'm up until midnight now.
I'll do it but it's like they said at AA, don't try to quit everything in one go. You know, if I'm quitting my wife it's a little tough on me. Smoke if you need to and when it feels right to quit and the trauma of stopping drinking wears down then go ahead if you want.
I'm still missing Mary a lot and what can I say? The trauma is still there and my heart still hurts a lot. OK! I'm faking it here.
You can bug me about it once in a while, I won't bit you!
Right now the flowers make me happy. They were in full bloom when Mary picked up her stuff. Thousands of them.
Mark
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1 ReactionOh I agree she is a hero. She was a smart and good woman. She loved her kids and grandkids so much. I would think we would all do that for our children and grandchildren.
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2 ReactionsIt is nice to see someone having a little cheer as you say. Its good for the soul to be happy and laugh. God Bless.
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2 ReactionsOk this is a test
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2 Reactions@2011panc, Hi again. Think I got this picture thing right. Don't have a panoramic type camera but this should do, got other pictures. Cheers!
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2 Reactions@littleonefmohio, Thanks little one! I'm having fun and it's distracting me from you know what.
Littleone, I really like that name. Got a picture of some of my daffodils. I'll give you some flowers
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1 Reaction@2011panc, I've got a fairly good picture of my opium poppies. Thought they were California poppies. Some hippies lived here and left some stuff behind.
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3 Reactions@lisalucier,
Don't think I have a picture of the lilac's. They blossom in the late spring or summer, depending on how they feel. Hope they're feeling good. LOL
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