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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@kdawn32, "People don't change do they." I'm wondering about that. We can do as my Dad often said, "Grow up!" OK Dad but it'll be a few years you know. When I stopped drinking I think that was changing some what but my habit changed to drinking coffee so it's the same old me only no whiskey, not drunk, but one doctor was shocked when he asked me how much coffee I drink. I told him about ten cups every day. He went nuts when I told him. "Ten cups?"
kdawn32, I had some extreme hatred for forty years, for what I thought was justified, and one day I knew it had to end. It wasn't my doing... Maybe it just doesn't seem like people change because it takes so long...for me anyway.
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1 ReactionALL,
I am not strong. I am not over it. If you are I'm happy for you. My loss is not yours even if we lost the same person. I may never be over it. I respect your need to grieve or not in your own time and manner. Will you not do the same for me? My true family are those who here on earth and those in heaven who have held my hand, stood back to back with me, and wiped my tears. Those who worked to cause me pain or used my grief and pain to take advantage of me are not.
I think that first paragraph may ring true for some of you. I am great full to have found this group. You let me know I am not weird, more broken, or alone because I am still grieving my Dad who died 16 months ago or my best friend who died 8 months ago. Thank you for letting me know I don't have to be over it. How many of us (in our minds eye) punch the person who says aren't you over yet, or oh yeah get over it we all go through it. We can have empathy for each other, but the reality is each person is an individual with their own relationships. We each need to grieve in our own time and space. The kindest thing we can do is be supportive of each other, allowing that grieving even if we do not understand it or are not in the same space.
I could use prayers and/or positive thoughts this week as I deal with my 4 older siblings (15-20 years older than I) in regards to my parents estate. I found that someone riffled through the paperwork and my dad's will is missing. Their lawyer does not have it either.
Kim
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5 ReactionsI like the way you put it. I agree we all need to grieve in our time, no one can tell us how its right for us. I lost my husband, best friend almost 3 yrs ago, and its still very hard for me to face each day. Those who are telling me to get over it have never lost a close person, or ones who have lots of family or friends support. They truly dont understand. I have chosen to stay away form them. You need to do what works for you.
Prayers for the paperwork thing. Also for you in your grief. God Bless.
Kathy
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3 ReactionsAhh, @littleonefmohio believe me they know when they are going. Your mom knew. So your slip up in front of her about her breathing was nothing she didn't know. Stop beating yourself up on that one. Go read what you posted, but put one of the others names in place of yours. What would you think? Wow this person obviously loved their mom. They did so much for her. I read what you wrote and am in awe of your resilience. It gives me hope that I too can get through this time.
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2 ReactionsSo well said, Thanks,
Kathy
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1 Reaction@jimhd Regarding forgiveness. Somewhere along my lifeline I learned the phrase, "forgiveness is a virtue -- and a goal"! For me, forgiveness, like love and a decision; it is what I do, not what happens to me. Forgiveness became easier for me when I learned that it is for me, not the one I am forgiving. It eases my mind and helps me let go of the pain associated with that act. As was said to me, "the person you forgive has no difference to their life, they don't care, they may not even admit that they were responsible." I have accepted these ideas and the have eased my emotional and spiritual soul. Thank you for letting me share.
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3 ReactionsI know also the pain is real, and some days are better, especially as spring comes, as I love being outside. I have experienced the anxiety, chest pains often thinking heart attack. But also know I have a very strong heart. I enjoy talking to people who are there and have been in my shoes.
thanks for the prayers
Kathy
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1 ReactionThanks
I agree, whenever you loose something or someone that has been a part of you, you suffer separation anxiety.
good thought.
Kathy
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2 ReactionsForgiveness feels so good. Once you practice this you feel so good. I even say I am sorry before person feels offended by me. We cannot begorgiven if we do not forgive.
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