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Mentor

Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

littleonefmohio | @littleonefmohio | Mar 26, 2018
In reply to @littleonefmohio "The first one in 2013 and I still have problems with it and my girlfriend was..." + (show)
@littleonefmohio

The first one in 2013 and I still have problems with it and my girlfriend was 4 months later in 2014 I believe. Then I lost my mom 7 months later in 2014 I have guilt from that because I was living out of state when that happened and I feel I should have came home sooner to be closer to her. Even though I called her every day it was not enough for me. When she was in hospice my sister said she may not come back because of some bad blood between her and someone else in the family. It just got my blood boiling because of where we were at and what was going on. I made a smart remark that she may not have to worry about it because the way mom was breathing she probably won't be with us much longer. I kick myself in the butt for saying that to this day. It was wrong because mom probably heard me and I feel so bad about that. I guess the guilt of me not being close to her and everything else that was going on.

Then my step dad died 5 months later in 2014 I was not close to him because of the past but still I hated to know he was suffering. Don't like to see or hear anyone suffering no matter what happened in the past. He had called me before and wanted to come live with me because the other kids where trying to put him in a home. I could not take him for one because I was and still raising my grandbaby and two because there is no way I could let him live with me. I sound just like my mother and I believe he wanted to be with me because of that and I am so much like my mom.

In between those losses I started raising my granddaughter in 2014 also. I believe God gave me her to help me cope with all these losses and of course for other reasons. I finally realized I need to come home because of other relatives getting up in ages and I wanted to be close to them and other family members.

I returned back home to Ohio in 2017 I was caring for a friend of the family because he lived close to me and needed someone to help him. He also had lung problems. So I went to meet him and found out I could help him some. He was very nice and enjoyed my company and coming by. He had just lost his daughter to heroin and was hurting badly for losing her. He was very nice man with a good heart. I was so glad I could help him the short time I could but I hated to hear he had passed on. He was suffering terrible and you could tell he was afraid. I lost him last year.

Just so many losses so close together.

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Thank you Teresa. I had also lost both my step mothers last year. I love them both dearly. They were always good to me. Like I said so many losses so close together. I have not looked into grief support groups. Maybe I will check into those if I get a chance. Hard to do with a 3 year old running around but she is what keeps me going and brings me so much happiness. I put all my focus on her. Talking on here is my down time when she is asleep. Thank you so much for having this board where people can just talk about their feelings without being judged. God Bless all of you.

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Mar 26, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@kdawn32 @muppey

Forgiving is a real challenge. It might be over rated and surely is misunderstood. For me, I've found that it's not a one time shot.

A kind of random thought - forgiving is a virtue, but one's spiritual condition isn't gaged by where one is in the process. Forgiving doesn't make a person a better Christian. Anyone who suggests that just might be a less than exemplary Christian. My own opinion.

Jim

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Mar 26, 2018
In reply to @littleonefmohio "The first one in 2013 and I still have problems with it and my girlfriend was..." + (show)
@littleonefmohio

The first one in 2013 and I still have problems with it and my girlfriend was 4 months later in 2014 I believe. Then I lost my mom 7 months later in 2014 I have guilt from that because I was living out of state when that happened and I feel I should have came home sooner to be closer to her. Even though I called her every day it was not enough for me. When she was in hospice my sister said she may not come back because of some bad blood between her and someone else in the family. It just got my blood boiling because of where we were at and what was going on. I made a smart remark that she may not have to worry about it because the way mom was breathing she probably won't be with us much longer. I kick myself in the butt for saying that to this day. It was wrong because mom probably heard me and I feel so bad about that. I guess the guilt of me not being close to her and everything else that was going on.

Then my step dad died 5 months later in 2014 I was not close to him because of the past but still I hated to know he was suffering. Don't like to see or hear anyone suffering no matter what happened in the past. He had called me before and wanted to come live with me because the other kids where trying to put him in a home. I could not take him for one because I was and still raising my grandbaby and two because there is no way I could let him live with me. I sound just like my mother and I believe he wanted to be with me because of that and I am so much like my mom.

In between those losses I started raising my granddaughter in 2014 also. I believe God gave me her to help me cope with all these losses and of course for other reasons. I finally realized I need to come home because of other relatives getting up in ages and I wanted to be close to them and other family members.

I returned back home to Ohio in 2017 I was caring for a friend of the family because he lived close to me and needed someone to help him. He also had lung problems. So I went to meet him and found out I could help him some. He was very nice and enjoyed my company and coming by. He had just lost his daughter to heroin and was hurting badly for losing her. He was very nice man with a good heart. I was so glad I could help him the short time I could but I hated to hear he had passed on. He was suffering terrible and you could tell he was afraid. I lost him last year.

Just so many losses so close together.

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@littleonefmohio

I invite you to keep talking!

Teresa

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 26, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@kathy4385, This was funny and not mean. I love Billy and he really likes me. Hi, My brother Martin has a special needs son with autism. Billy and I became buddy's over the years and he always remembers me and likes to visit. Some don't treat him right. One day up in the other cabin my brother asked me to watch Billy for the afternoon. Sure, no problem. Billy was grown, big and sometimes could be violent but never with me. He was playing war games down in the dirt, and I was watching him from the deck. I heard some glass breaking and went down there. Billy's love is food. I asked Billy what he was doing and he said, "Sorry Uncle Mark." I then told him that it is against the law to break windows and that if the Sheriff caught him he would go to jail and only get bread and water for a long time. That caught his attention and he promised he would never break glass again.
He's about 40 now and still in the same special needs home.

I really was being nice to Billy because there is only certain ways you can reach them. You should have seen his face when he visited our home and it needed a lot of work. Billy went right to our only kitchen cabinet and there was no food there. His face fell to the ground, poor guy. It was funny but I knew what he wanted so ran to town to get his favorite for that year.

Guess we all have special needs.

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 26, 2018
In reply to @littleonefmohio "Hello and thank you for writing and asking us to share our experiences. I had so..." + (show)
@littleonefmohio

Hello and thank you for writing and asking us to share our experiences. I had so many losses so close together it was numbing I guess is how I will describe it, First I lost my fiance to lung cancer. I cared for him while he was sick. We had only been together for 2 years. I thought his family had accepted me but i found out later that was not true. Anyway, I watched him die the whole time thinking he was not dying. He was too young. He was only 56 and strong. He finished all his chemo treatments so I thought it was a side effect of the treatment. I was on the phone with rescue and telling them when he was in the background saying things are getting dark. I thought he needed oxygen. So I hung up and ask him. He shook his head no. (Graphic) He was throwing up blood and when he finally stopped I said "oh good glad you are done with that" I took the cup from his hand took set it down and was talking to him. I then realized he was not with me I thought. So I told him what he always said. " you are not done with me yet" and then "I love you" I was sure he said it back and that was the end. I was so calm on the phone and dealing with it all. I know God was with me. But when I seen the paramedics come in I broke down and yelled why are you not trying to revive him! That was my first. loss.

Second was my best friend from Jr. High school. We always kept in touch or found each other if we moved no matter what. I lost her to a boating accident. The canoe tipped over. I heard she made sure her grand children were ok and then was swept away by the water. I kept asking God to please find her. I finally heard "I have her" I knew God was listening and letting me know he had her but I knew she was gone.

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@littleonefmohio, This morning she told me Joe left her last October. She's pretty strong but I could tell she really needed to talk as her eyes watered a little. I'm rooting for her and Joe. He's touchy and so is Mezi, but Joe is wondering what he did as Mezi told me.

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 26, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimhd, Hi Jim, been looking for you and found you by 'looking'. Willie Nelson has a song titled "Forgiving You Was Easy". OK, but is just saying, "I forgive you!" real forgiving. I'm sure Jesus could do it easy enough. When I was working on a problem which I'd already shared with Mary sometimes I'd say, "I'm not God and not that strong. It'll come to me one day but not here yet." Then some light comes and you start the changing process, been there done that and it might take forty years but it will come. You'll be here until the process is done. The number 70 came to me a few months ago. Still wondering about that. Only shared it here and with my brother Mike. I'm 68 in July, just in time for the divorce to be complete. Fun stuff. Probably get the papers on July 9!

Sometimes on little things I'd say, "Sorry about that!" But is it really that easy to forgive some of these things? I said, "I'll work on forgiving you!" I couldn't just say, 'I forgive you!" and that's all there is to it. Doesn't it have to be from the heart? Fake forgiveness is as bad as fake love. That's what I think anyway.

Jim, give me a clue. You seem to know something here. I do know that forgiving is good for both parties, but Mary hasn't even apologized for nothing. I did apologized after I made her cry but I also said for all the grief I'd caused her. They wouldn't answer the phone so it was a message. I know Jon always has his phone and they were all listening because that's what they do, sometimes anyway. Problem was Mary sent me a nasty email. Sometimes she thinks she's being clever as the time when a man said, "Sorry mam." Mary devastated the poor guy by saying, "Don't call me mam." The poor guy just turned and said, "I don't know what to say to women anymore!" Mary did respond and apologize but dang that kind of stuff can ruin your day.
Take care!
Mark

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muppey | @muppey | Mar 27, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@kathy4385 "all of our 40 yrs of marriage," That's a long time! I can see why you're so lonely. I think it was panc2011? who said, something pertinent but I just lost it. Brain freeze. Oh well it was good anyway. Probably need more sleep.

Kathy, I'm happy for you that you spent forty years with your husband, and very sorry you lost him. "dying of a broken heart." I don't think many people really believe there is any such thing. The doctors went nuts at the hospital when they asked where it hurts and I covered my heart and this goofy pain along my lower spine which seemed to be connected to my eyelids as when I'd close them I'd get a shock. Lasted over 48 hours before I realized I should ask for help. One lady doctor waved her hand at me in dismissal, when I told her what's up, she got up and left the room. Oh really now! Kathy, your heart ache is real. People here know that pain is real so keep on talking about it. I know it helps. I don't understand why doctors don't understand this heart ache pain because it is real.

Getting long again but I looked this up a while ago..."The most common signs and symptoms of broken heart syndrome are angina (chest pain) and shortness of breath." American Heart Association. At least someone in the medical field knows. Google this if you're interested or just click here or copy and past... http://www.heart.org/.../More/.../Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp

I really don't know how long my parents were together but I was young when their friend's threw a big party for them at our house for their 25th anniversary. They were on honey moon in Hawaii on December 7, 1941, they had a beach house and Dad was an Army Captain. They were on the beach when Mom said, Jack I think those planes are shooting at each other. Dad saw the Japanese Zero on the wings and told Mom, "I better get back to base." Dad had a thirteen man company of infantry and was responsible for several miles of beach front. They had old rifles and one .30 caliber machine gun. The Japs could have taken the Island with no problem. It was the island of Oahu, Pearl Harbor and all that.

Don't know why I go on like this but it has to do with Mom. When she got Alzheimer's she'd often talk about Pearl Harbor. Dad died some years before Mom. She'd say, "I remember Pearl Harbor and Dad had to go to the base..." Schofield Barracks.

Sorry I forgot what panc said but maybe it'll come again. Maybe I'll copy panc2011, (I'm sure) anyway she said she was praying for me. I think it's ok to copy people, so I'll do that for you.
Take care!
Mark

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littleonefmohio | @littleonefmohio | Mar 27, 2018
In reply to @littleonefmohio "Hello and thank you for writing and asking us to share our experiences. I had so..." + (show)
@littleonefmohio

Hello and thank you for writing and asking us to share our experiences. I had so many losses so close together it was numbing I guess is how I will describe it, First I lost my fiance to lung cancer. I cared for him while he was sick. We had only been together for 2 years. I thought his family had accepted me but i found out later that was not true. Anyway, I watched him die the whole time thinking he was not dying. He was too young. He was only 56 and strong. He finished all his chemo treatments so I thought it was a side effect of the treatment. I was on the phone with rescue and telling them when he was in the background saying things are getting dark. I thought he needed oxygen. So I hung up and ask him. He shook his head no. (Graphic) He was throwing up blood and when he finally stopped I said "oh good glad you are done with that" I took the cup from his hand took set it down and was talking to him. I then realized he was not with me I thought. So I told him what he always said. " you are not done with me yet" and then "I love you" I was sure he said it back and that was the end. I was so calm on the phone and dealing with it all. I know God was with me. But when I seen the paramedics come in I broke down and yelled why are you not trying to revive him! That was my first. loss.

Second was my best friend from Jr. High school. We always kept in touch or found each other if we moved no matter what. I lost her to a boating accident. The canoe tipped over. I heard she made sure her grand children were ok and then was swept away by the water. I kept asking God to please find her. I finally heard "I have her" I knew God was listening and letting me know he had her but I knew she was gone.

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Aww. I hate that for her. Yes people and family tell me I am strong too but honesty its just a front I put on. So it is good she has you to talk too.

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Kdawn | @kdawn32 | Mar 27, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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Mark,
You are right on target. No I don't think any of us want to mad forever. It does seem like just when your 99% over something and not mad anymore this issue gets repeated. People don't change do they.
Thanks for you thoughts.~Kim

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Kdawn | @kdawn32 | Mar 27, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimh Thank you for your words. I had not thought of why this ordering people to forgive makes me so crazy. I think you hit on it. It is a judgment by other. "You aren't a real Christian if you don't do what I say". I don't know of many people other than Jesus who could just in a second forgive another human. It comes in stages a piece at a time. If a person forgives you it does little for you. It does for them. So I would benefit from the forgiveness. I actually have forgiven but forgiveness doesn't mean you lay down and be a door mat. If someone is abuse. Yes forgive them, but don't stay there and continue to allow them to abuse you. Allowing the abuse to continue is not forgiveness. Unfortunately a lot of people think that forgiveness means to allow the person who hurt you to keep doing it. Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt in your heart. Bodies heal much faster than our emotional hearts.

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