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Mentor

Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

muppey | @muppey | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@2011panc, My college English teacher, Mr.Harriman, great guy, but he once wrote on one of my papers...Mark how can you be so obtuse? Big red letters too. Still have that paper.
You wrote something that I really appreciate and wish I hadn't read past that. I'm sitting here now about 11:00 and getting ready to hit the sack.
"I have had you continually in my prayers..." No one in my life said something like that to me and I really don't know what to say but thanks. I think that's the end for tonight except to say that today has been one of my betters days. Hoping you are doing well, also that you have some great relief from your pain. So I'll say a prayer for you.

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@muppey and @2011panc

The growth of friendships, support and kindness are amazing at Connect. Thank you both for being a part of it!

Teresa

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missy4396 | @missy4396 | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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I&apos;m not sure why I keep getting all of these emails.  Could you please remove me from the list?  I have tried but I continue to get them.

Thank you
MH

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Moderator
Lisa Lucier, Moderator | @lisalucier | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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Hi -- yes, you may unsubscribe when you receive any email notification a member has posted. Under "View and Reply" and the name of the discussion, you will find "Unsubscribe to this thread." Click on that, and you should be unsubscribed to the thread.

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Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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I don't see the unsubscribe thread

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Gary, Alumni Mentor | @gman007 | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @gman007 "@jimhd, @muppey I understand much of what you are both saying but would like to make..." + (show)
@gman007

@jimhd, @muppey I understand much of what you are both saying but would like to make a suggestion. At times, it feels to me as if you are painting all church people with a broad brush, and that may just be my reading into your posts something not there. There are quite a few people I see (virtually) on here who get their greatest support from a church family or minister. Please don't take that away from them. I am a child of the church as we never missed a time when the doors were open. My Mom told me recently that she now thinks that her insistence on being there for everything when me and my brother were younger was probably not one of her best parenting moves. As an adult I have always been in church regularly until I got sick and have a fear of large groups borne of opiates`, but did not begin to have a true relationship with my savior until after I got sick and learned to let him drive the bus and become needy in His presence. I still try to take the wheel at times and it never works out very well. Our religious experiences are always very unique to us and in every person's past is a "pillar" of the church who turned out to not be and for some that is an entire group. Jim, like you I stopped for a phone conference and have forgotten where I was and what I was thinking, so maybe I can pick it back up later.

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@jimhd I hope I don't have to have that convo with my psych. You are absolutely right about the whole church being unrighteous and I guess that is why those who are filled with self-righteousness are so frustrating, but that is just one more thing for me to work on. I can't remember where I wrote it, but I have a book titled "Religiously transmitted diseases". It is not a page turner and I have not gotten all the way through it, but universally, going back to the crusades, and likely farther, there have been many wrongs committed in the name of religion, but even so...I believe your statement about the church being a source for good that is greater than the bad is definitely correct. I certainly hope so. I wish we could get together in Rochester and talk theology, but that is just too far for me to venture from home.
Blessings, Gary

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Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | Mar 23, 2018

Thanks for your post. A linking object is one that sparks memories and provides a measure of comfort. This definition applies to objects, not people.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

Jump to this post

Hi merpreb, In the footer of the email notification you’ll see the sentence “Unsubscribe to this thread.”
1. Click the unsubscribe link.
2. Select “no emails”
3. Click Update.

You can learn more about subscribing and unsubscribing here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/get-started-on-connect/

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @IndianaScott "I think, especially in these types of conversations, it's important for us to remember we are..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

I think, especially in these types of conversations, it's important for us to remember we are each unique. In that each of us are individuals complete with our own differing needs, points of view, beliefs, and personal situations which influence our views of life, perceptions, and our beliefs.

One is not correct just as another is not incorrect. Our views and lives are like art ... some folks love Picasso while others love Monet. One is not good art while one bad. There are just different views and we each have our own tastes in art.

Likewise we each grieve in our own way and for our own personalized reasons. As I have continued in my own journey with grief I've come to more fully realize, now more than ever before, how individualized grief is.

Just my two cents, plain.

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@IndianaScott

There are so many grief triggers. One for me is the loss of my vocation. I know that many people feel lost when they retire, but I had to retire 10+ years sooner than I expected, and it happened when I was in a very bad place mentally and emotionally. I have been affected more by that loss than the deaths of my parents and a younger sister.

Some things stick with us for the rest of our lives. I'm grateful for the people who have helped me find the strength to move forward. The way I think of it is that my moving forward is a track that runs parallel to the track of things like loss, past trauma or damaged relationships. Those things will possibly be close by, but I'm not having to carry them around all the time, like rocks in my backpack. Or as Dr. Seuss put it, rocks in my socks. (I think it was the good doctor who wrote that.)

Jim

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2011panc | @2011panc | Mar 23, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

Jump to this post

@muppey Thank you for your responses. I appreciate your sharing and your prayer for me. I am aware that I "write hard" and my head-on approach to so many things overwhelms most people. You and I both know how it feels to share an intimate feeling in confidence and be betrayed later and/or have that bit of information transposed into something completely different than what it was. You and I are both caring helpers with no strings; which makes us great caregivers. Do you remember The Gong Show? There was a character called The Unknown Comic that wore a paper bag over his head while delivering puns. We can call ourselves The Unknown Wingmen. lol Blessings

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