May you be comforted among the others who mourn.

Hello @kathy4385,

Welcome to Connect; I'm so glad you've joined us – more often than not, we get depressed because of loneliness, and connecting with another person can make all the difference in recovery. Thank you for sharing your story too, because I am confident that you now belong to this wonderful community, where many members have shared similar experiences, and I hope you find support and encouragement in their stories.

It sucks to feel like this – I get it. I haven't experienced your struggles, but when I get lonely and down, I long for somebody to talk to, somebody who will understand and not judge me. At such times, I know I’m not any fun to spend time with because I have a hard time enjoying the things I used to do. The more I dwell on that, the less motivation I have to reach out to people.
It’s sad that feeling like this can sometimes drive loved ones and friends away, but I often think that maybe it's because they don’t understand, or feel awkward and don’t know how to help, or are busy?

I'm sure that @parus @vthatch @georgette12 @kdawn32 @harriethodgson1 Mentor @hopeful33250 and others in this group will return to share their wisdom and thoughts with you.

As people, we thrive on connections, social interactions. @kathy4385, have you shared your feelings and grief with your friends or relatives? Perhaps letting them know that their friendship or support will help you work towards moving ahead? What about talking to a counselor or therapist?

You mentioned you have animals to care for; could you tell us more about your pets?

Kathy, I really understand. I met my wife lost in the woods on Oct 2, 1996, we married the same day two years later. When I met her she was grieving for her son who died in suicide. I really didn't understand this until Mary was crying, depressed and cursing her 1st x, the father of her two sons. She hated with a burning passion and dumbfounded me. I stayed with her and did what I knew to do, tried to get her into grief counseling but she wouldn't do it. It all landed on me. After a few years I finally got her to stop hating Steve L. her x husband. She started dressing in all black and I was confused but figured it out and didn't bother her about it. She went from very pretty to not so much. Poor girl is still grieving but somehow she's is taking "something" out on me. She just disappeared on Feb 1. She went to the hair shop and never came home. It's a long story so I won't bore you with it all but I can say for certain that what she did to me was indescribable and few understand. Put me in the hospital. I'm a fairly strong guy but this was out of my control.
Now I'm alone in this cottage home in the middle of no where, it's two to three miles to town and very difficult to walk, done it a few times, uphill all the way and back. I live on the flat of French Gulch Rd. Listen to a lot of music and always before I go to bed at midnight now, I listen to Christian Hymns. I really like Celtic music, bagpipes and drums, war and battle songs. Just me.
I know your pain and isolation is hard to bare but remember this, hope it's ok to post Scripture here, don't want to offend but here goes 36 And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: 37 They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; 38 (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.
39 And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise: 40 God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect." Hebrews
Some of us really do understand. I also helped a young lady I've known since she was about 4. Her husband just dumped her and she is left to raise their really beautiful baby boy. I don't call her as I don't think it's appropriate. I'm 67 and it just doesn't seem right. If she called me I'd talk, but she's got problems to deal with herself. This happened before my wife left me. She had her horse on my property for two years.

@muppey I have been off the internet lately and just today found a number of your posts. I feel that I need to reach out to you because of our past experiences. I too have had a great deal of loss in my lifetime. Coming from a family of 7 and my parents coming from families of 9 and 11, there were many lifetime events to experience.
37 years ago I also left a husband that I later discovered was an alcoholic. I say discovered because at the time I left I did not know what alcoholism really is. Since you are a member of AA, I know that you know that you have no control over Mary or anyone else in the community.
As a divorced person, I finally learned my part in the relationship than led to divorce. For me, we did not have shared long-term goals, nor did we agree on management of anything. Negotiating in his family was done at loud decibels and fueled by large quantities of liquor. I wanted to save 10% of income for our future, he wanted to spend what we made. I believe he wanted what he saw in me and my family when we married, but could not abide the time and discipline that took. With him I moved 8 times in 7 years. I truly believe he wanted and still wants peaceful living, enough income to be comfortable and good health. I just don't believe the way he was raised taught him how to achieve that. I say that because as little as 2 years ago he attempted to tell our oldest son that everything was my fault and added in some outright lies about me.
As for me, I moved on. I had to. I had 2 little children, one with physical, emotional and mental disabilities. I met another man a few years after my divorce and we have been a happy match for 33 years. Neither of likes to argue, so we talk about things in a manner to reach solutions. That means we cannot always say what comes to mind, because on the bald face of it the statement is hurtful and does not bring us closer to a resolution. We share the desire for a God-centered life, responsible financial management, good and healthy foods, and living neatly. True, nothing is perfect and we have had our moments, but overall we are each better people now that we were when we married. The same could not be said of the relationship with my ex-husband. During our 7 short years together we grew further apart every year.
The bottom line I am encouraging you toward is: return to your AA roots and replace the word alcohol with the word Mary; and determine your part in the split between you. Try looking at things through her eyes. Women carry words and attitudes differently than men but it never hurts to attempt a "few miles in their shoes."
Blessings and peace for your future.

@kathy4385 My condolences to you. Grief takes as long as it takes. I seem to move through it quickly, but maybe not. When my youngest was moved to a special needs home at the age of 7 I kept on keeping on, but it took 6 years for me to go through his room and begin using it again.
I hope you find a grief support group to help you understand that where you are in your grief is completely personal and acceptable. Isn't it amazing how our family members make us move in different directions? I also have felt the loneliness of being left alone.
I share with you what I share with my mother on ever visit now: You cannot die until you have finished your God-given work here on earth. I don't know what that thing is, but it will come into your life and you must take care of it. At this time you are valuable to me as my mother and I appreciate all you have taught me over the years as well as the things you are still teaching me and reminding me to complete.
Blessings.

thanks for the reply, seems you do understand, I have tried to share with friends, but most dont seem to understand. They seem to think that I should get over it, its been 2.5 years.
I have 9 horses, many cats in barn, and 2 dogs, one outside, one inside. and one indoor cat. My house dog goes everywhere with me. cant seem to sleep with out him, so recently got him certified as a ESA emotional service animal. so that he can travel with me on planes, and stay in motels w/o them charging me. My kids graciously send me tickets to see them but feel guilty if they have to pay for the dog too. So I'm hoping this is the solution. Riding horse is my best therapy, I am 60 yrs old, and have ridden since I was 4. so a huge part of my life. Cant imagine not having them in my life. the last 2 winters they have kept me getting up each day, kept me going.

@kathy4385 I am glad that you know staying home alone is not the answer. I was discussing that very fact with a coworker before opening up @kanaaspereira's response to you. When my Dad died it was horrible. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I became a walking empty shell. Logically I knew I had to get up, get out. I forced myself to do things that had brought me joy before: dancing and live music, but they brought me nothing inside at first. Eventually they did. I was just starting to feel again when my best friend was placed on life support. I could only emotionally stand to go be in the hospital with her and the family for for a few days. I said my good bye to her. On the day they took her off life support I choose not to go. Instead I went (it was a holiday) with 2 friends to an event. These two people where the only ones I wanted to be around that day. Why both knew grief and lost well, both had been widowed and lost loved ones from the disease taking my friend. I am forever grateful for them. They allowed me to feel and be without judgement. I pray you find those same type of people not only here but in person as well. So even if you feel little or nothing find some activity outside your home, church, volunteering (animal shelters, senior centers, museums). You do have a reason to be here. Hopefully that will reason will come to you and your heart will find joy again. Will you always feel the loss, will you always have moments of grief YES. They will be less often. Your heart will always have a hole but spending time with other pushes the walls and you find some of the space is occupied by others. I say that as I sit here with waves of gratefulness and immense sorrow washing over me as my three days ago I discovered my mom passed away in her sleep. In the last 17 months My Dad died, my best friend died, and my Mom died. I live three blocks from my parents. I spent almost 3 to 5 days a week with them. In the past 10 years I have not had more than a handful of weeks that I did not see them. It isn't exactly how you feel but some of those feeling are the same. There is something else other than what your going through now. Don't stop searching.

I know my story is not unique, but as you know you cant see the light thru all the clouds, seems like my life lately is just full of losses, as yours seems to be. I'm sorry for your losses, and I in no way want to make less of them. As you too are grieving,, sometimes I just feel so empty, and just cant seem to find the joy. Mostly its the loss of my church that seems the hardest to take. Was such a huge part of our lives for so many years, all of our 40 yrs of marriage, now so empty, not there, not place for me to fit in. there is much more to that story,
I was very close to my dad too, and lost him when he was only 47, and I was just a young mother. Then shortly after my grandmother died, who was more of a mother to me then my own mother. But none of those compared to the loss of my husband, as then I had him to help me get thru, now I'm all alone. all my kids live far away, and are busy with there families. I think its the loneliness, that is the hardest for me. And I just cant make myself go anywhere, just easier to stay home then to go out and feel like I'm alone in a crowd. I always go with those who come and say lets go do something, but dont go out on my own. And those outings are few and far in-between
I just want to join my husband, dying of a broken heart. and cant wait. but suicide is not an option. I know that. No reason to want life or to choose it.

Still just wondering what that God given work is, and when will I know???? Really I just want to be useful and needed.
thanks

"I know my story is not unique" We are all unique, there is not another you and no one will really understand your pain. It seems unique to me but other people just go "what's the problem?" Bugged me greatly that Mary just acted like it was cool and rushed to hug me which really bothered me so I turned and said, "I'll be in the house." and left. A lot of Mary's stuff was in the office. A song..."What bothers me most is that it doesn't bother you."
Don't think you're not unique, you are and your pain is.