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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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You may find comfort in linking objects--something or several things that remind you of your loved one. At Thanksgiving I put my mother's cut glass water decanter on the table to remind me of her. Linking objects can provide a measure of comfort.
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2 Reactions@elainesharon
What a lovely story about you and your mum! She and Peggy were your "chosen family" and it sounds like you were really blessed by them both. I can understand your profound sense of loss.
I feel privileged that you shared your story with us. If you are comfortable sharing more, let us know what your favorite memory is of your mum and Peggy.
Teresa
Hello @harriethodgson1
I'm so glad that you shared "linking objects" with @georgette12 and the rest of us in this discussion. Yes, linking objects are very special things that bring us comfort.
My dad loved photography and had won several awards in photography shows. So after his death, I was able to take a couple of his framed photos and placed them on my walls. His photos are my "linking objects."
I'd love to hear from others about their linking objects. What do you keep or use that helps link you to your loved one?
Teresa
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1 Reaction@georgette12
I'm so glad that you can find comfort in these products that your son used. They are important reminders of the place he had in your heart and life. It really doesn't matter if other people "don't get it." If it is important to you, that is all that matters.
Thank you for sharing that lovely idea with the rest of us.
Teresa
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1 ReactionI wear my son's scarf and sweater. This is strange. I will tell you why. My so was a heavy smoker and all of his stuff wreaked of smoke. Yuk! I have never smoked. Hated the smell all my life. Now, even after 18 months, the smoke smell is still there. I totally love the smell from his clothes. It brings me great comfort. I won't was anything he has worn.
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2 ReactionsI should add that the only way I even have these clothes is because of the following reason. When I got to his apartment in Chicago. .. (I lived in a different state) the place had not been cleaned up. I was shocked to see crime scene tape all over. I ran in and grabbed whatever items I could. I tried not to look at anything unless I had to. So I opened his drawers and closet and took stuff and also went into the bathroom and saw pomade and cologne. I just ran out of there as that was where he took his life. Gosh...I apologize if I have triggered anyone. I tried not to include details.
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3 ReactionsThis is my first visit to this thread. I am so grateful to have found it. I come from a large family with 2 even larger extended families. I have lost many loved ones during my brief lifetime and can attest that my grief for each is different based on the relationship (or not) we had during their lives.
The people I miss the most are the ones that showed me love even through discipline and let me know that they cared about me. Other people cannot relate because they either resented being corrected or considered me favored and/or spoiled by the deceased. I still sometimes feel so much loss. My selfish self wants to talk to them about things, get a hug, have them sit with me or hold my hand when I suffer. Then I remember the agony and difficulty they faced the last days of their lives and remember that they lived long, fruitful, productive, and full lives. They gave me every good thing they had to give and deserve to be where they are now. I cannot resent their joyful lives in Heaven and am eager to be with them again there.
The people I feel most conflicted about are the ones that "should" have loved, cared and protected me and did not. Other people cannot relate because they were not treated the same way and did not witness or believe my betrayal. I am relieved these people are deceased, but do not feel comfortable speaking freely about that feeling because it seems that everybody else lauds these people. I feel guilt for feeling relief. Then, I resent their praise for the deceased. it feels like a second betrayal. I pray a great deal about forgiving everyone involved and focusing on the present. But I still keep my guard up because of my belief that "birds of a feather fly together." By that I mean that I don't fully trust anyone that did not see or does not believe my reality about the people that betrayed me when I was a child.
I have only felt anger once over a deceased person. That was a teenager who absolutely knew better but drove under the influence, without safety belts, and too fast for the roadway and conditions. Even driving too fast under the influence, they would have all survived and those hurt would not have been as badly hurt if they had only used their safety belts. What a waste of young lives and potential. I have a handicapped child who exerts as much willpower and effort to walk one block as these young people would exert to hike one mile of the Appalachian Trail. It isn't fair. I do understand that their values were formed by their families and friends and I am not responsible. It still bothers me.
I only treasure "links" from the people I miss. I have my grandmother's opal pin, my father's foreign money from when he was in WWII, my other grandmother's rocking chair. I have mementos from the people I feel conflicted about. I keep them to help me remember how it could have been and how it really was. I also keep them because other people expect it of me. Since they think I should feel such devastation, I feel like I need to keep something from them.
I am going to ask this here because I still do not understand it. After my father's funeral, mother said to me, "You lived him best." Does anyone have any ideas on what she might have meant by this?
Thank you for providing this opportunity to share and thank you to any of you who have read this entire missile. It has been quite cathartic for me.
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2 Reactions@georgette12 Know the feeling. It is a traumatic experience. Hope you are doing okay enough.
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1 Reaction@2011panc
I am glad that you found this discussion group and I'm glad that you found your post "cathartic." It is often true that what we write is very healing. Thanks for sharing your "linking objects" from your loved ones. You have done a good job in acquiring things that bring you comfort.
I don't know what your mother meant by her comment - is she still alive so you could ask her?
Keep posting - we are glad to hear from you.
Teresa
Your mother's comment may have referred to your father's values and that you lived them and made them part of your life--a comforting thought.
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