What is an unsexy, raw reality of a long term marriage/relationship.

@shmerdloff , Bravo, you’re a Rockstar!!

I spent ~40 years of enjoying great (and sometimes not so great) sex with more lovers than I can remember. Today at 80, my priorities are great companionship and great conversation. An "unsexy" relationship sounds better than no relationship, or perhaps I should say, most relationships. Living alone and not being touched from one year to the next is dreadful. Living alone is not optimal, but it's better than living with the wrong person, as I learned through three marriages all dissolved. Live and learn!

@frouke
Nah. susiewordsmith is a rock star. (See below)

In my case, old age has just brought me to the realization that I made some really bad choices in my life. Twice. I certainly don't expect my last marriage relationship would turn from terrible to wonderful just because we are old. For me our relationship with my ex was never good. In fact, it was awful....for me anyway. I don't think he cares one way or another. So, I guess my conclusion is that if you don't have a really loving, faithful, and sexy relationship in the first place, then why care when you are older? Now that he is older and not able to go out and find other sex partners and is now living in my living room, sleeping on my couch, disabled, unable to do anything, including drink himself into a disgusting abusive mess, we actually get along much better. Or maybe it's just because I gave up ever expecting anything from him and refuse to argue anymore. I do love to hear about marriages that are still mutually loving and satisfying. It's nice to know they do exist somewhere out there. My imagination and dreams, which is really all I ever had, lives on.

@mariannewmoon
I think it's wonderful that you are letting your disabled ex-husband sleep on your couch! That is very kind of you. I admire you for doing that; especially when apparently the marriage wasn't always so good. Plus you are getting along better now. So, who knows what the future holds? Things may turn completely around and you will have a pleasant and happy old age together.
I wish you both the best.
PML

I have somewhat repeated what our good friend said above and added some things to the
OVERWHELING LIST AND THEN VERY MUCH, NEARLY, IMPOSSIBLE
to find the essential elements in 95% of marriages that help make life emtoinally, physically and mentally healthy for both and therefore make for marriages that last
or
that takes two people into their elder years to be able to say "it was good marriage."
Congratulations to those that can say "That's my marriage."
1. Each person is comfortable in allowing the other to pusue interests that vary in nature, cost, and resourcing and allowing them the time to do so, setting time aside and away from the other and being comfortable with that.
2. Each is able to cope with the distractions, the pulls, and the diversions that life brings about.
3. Both having mutual attraction,
4. Both having similar values and morals.
5. Both have a love of a community with friends and neighbours or at least allowing one to be free to do so, allowing one to have the time to do so, if the other doesn't have the same desire or belief about having others in their lives, other than the other person.
6. Both having as close as possible level of education to avoid possible insecuity problems etc.
7. Both having an open mind, a non judgemental attitude about each ones choice of beliefs be it philosohy or religion ...being comfortable each others beliefs, thoughts and ways to practicing their belifes, rituals etc.
8. Allow each other their own time, to do by themselves their favorite pastime if they prefer to do it alone.
9. Either have the same hobbies and if not be comfortable with another persons having a hobbby that the other person can't understand why that would interest the other person etc.
10. Both having a positive attitude and if one has a positive attitude and the other has a negative attitude they don't belittle or mock the other for it.
11, Not using the other to be the brunt of their jokes.
12. Being kind and understanding and not critical of their progeny of any kind.
13. Both having the same values.
14. Both believing in being faithful and loyal to each other.
15. Both being tolerant and understanding in all ways of those that are differnt from them..
16. Both be patience indiviauls so not to cause misunderstanidings and a feeling of one person being indirectly being told they ae stupid, wrong, and incabable.
17. Both hold to and keep the promises to each other.
18. Both accepting accountability.
19. Both understanding the need for both to strive for self improvement and self awareness.
20. Both wanting justice for one another. The fair treatment and equitable distribution of rights and responsibilities between partners.
21. Both showing one anothers gratitude for their efforts and ways of wanting to make thing nice for the other.
22. Both taking actions to help each other, and others, in kind and generous ways.
23. Both believe and practice of 'first do no harm' to each other and others.
24. Both not having their own personal agenda meaning no secret personal agenda that is undermining the relationship , is harmful to the relationship.
25. Both are unselfish .
26. Both look to understand and work towards helping one another in fulfilling each others human emtional need.
27. Both having able to show empathy to each other and others.
28. Both showing ones love for one another by a desire to bring joy to one another or able to allow the other to do what brings the other joy.
29. Both having the desire to keep oneself healthy so not to burden the other with results of ones years of addictive unhealthy habits.
30. Both willing to care for the other in all the ways needed when one becomes ill, there for them and willing to step up to the plate to do what has to be done.
and finally in the end...
31. Both showing respect for one another by not always keeping one or the other waiting.
33. Both finding ways to living with the adjustments of each others ambtions, druthers and desires.
33. Both are friends and lovers with each other.
34. Both are happy for the other in their accomplishments and without jealousy.
35. Both do not have the desire to outshine the other in the company of others or with each other.
36. Both shoe and have respect and consideration for one another.
What's your score....How many out of these did you, do you have or did not have but wished you had have in your marriage??? 🤔
For myself....not a good score and why I'm single now and without the ups and downs that took me into a deep depression until I helped myself get out of it. My Mom once said 'You can be feel lonelier in an unhappy marriage than when single and alone."
Barbara

@blm1007blm1007
Wow! What a great list! I don't know what my score is but I will reread the list and try. My wife became a Research Lab Tech at Mayo Clinic Research. She acquired the job by first going to grad school through the joint operation between the Univ of MN and Mayo Medical school.
Later she ended up working for her advisor. In her lab was a two part wall chart showing the processes of the immune system. Even today, some of the processes have circles and boxes in the process with "Magic happens here!" That is, we know the end result but not how the system got there. She was basically trying to find what was happening in the box. She made some interesting discoveries. She learned how to use an electron microscope to create multilayered pictures of Dendritic Cells Once she built a 3 dimensioned picture, the dendrites became continuous veils that are used to move the cell and also to attack the bad cells. She also had pictures of T-cells and Dendritic cells "communicating". Much of that work would take 20 or more hours to prepare and photograph at a time. She created several papers and posters explaining her work. She went to several annual Biophysical meeting both in the US and one in Germany. One time her meeting was in San Francisco and I had an IBM User Conference at the same time, same place we got visitor passes for each other. Our two youngest daughters appreciated watching us study at the same time as they were. I was trying to get beyond my BS and get a MS in computer science. After I was laid off from IBM, She was still working and I took up some of the household chores. Just before her 69th birthday she was diagnosed with ALS. She retired a year later.

@rollingf Thanks for reading and replying.
Sounds like you both had busy pre careers and careers and also provided good examples for your girls. Nice memories in both parts of that story.
Barbara

@shmerdloff Yikes! Meatloaf? What's not to like?!? Hamburger, onions, maybe some rolled oats thrown.....oh.......wait.....you meant.......... 😀

@shmerdloff So, after 53 years, she's never offered her throat to the wolf with the red roses? 😁