Caring for adult child with mental health disorder

@kor

Welcome to Mayo Connect. It must be very hard being a mom and caregiver to a daughter who is having mental health issues. I have not been in your same situation, but had an adult sister with physical and mental health issues who would not get help. It is so hard to help someone not willing to help themselves.

You may want to review the comments in this discussion; many offer advice on setting boundaries and on organizations that may offer support.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/how-to-set-boundaries-with-an-adult-child-who-threatens-suicide/
Are you working with social workers or professionals who can offer advice on what to do?

Getting help with social workers or other professionals is a sound direction to follow. If your daughter cannot cooperate in her treatment plans and your life is being disrupted is it time to get care for her elsewhere?

A group home might work for both of you. She might like being with others her own age, and doing different activities

My heart goes out to you! I’ve had a similar journey although my son was lucky enough to get a start on a job that helped. But things are falling apart now. My son Chad, not his real name, talked of suicide constantly in early teens, one quasi-suicide attempt. 2 weekend stays at a specialized hospital for mental health support. He is probably ADD, not ADHD. He finished a college degree after 7 years. He had started at a 4 year college but that fell apart after 1 1/2 years. We actually paid for an apartment for him to take classes at a community college instead of moving back home because of how disruptive it was to our lives. He then switch colleges and finished his degree partly because we said he could not move home again. It was really tough love, and extermely painful for us to do this. We would never have allowed him to be homeless, but he did find a way to stick with classes and finish.
He got a job where my husband worked, that was a blessing, and worked for about 10 years. He has been living on his own, managing his needs.

He is now 38. He has not worked for 3 years. He saved every penny he made and has been living off his savings. He is anxious, and sounds like he is headed for a crash. He does not go anywhere, does not want to visit us or have us stop by. We don’t know his financial situation but it must be dire. He cannot afford dental care or health care - although we have offered to pay for at least minimal care.

I fear for this upcoming crash. I’m pretty sure when his money runs out he will have a mental health breakdown - I am helpless to prevent it.
My husband and I have decided if and when that happens (hopefully we can catch it before its a total breakdown) that we will suggest he take college classes or a classes to earn a certification to build on his computer skills. We will pay for housing for one year while he takes classes. If he were to move back home I’m afraid he would not engage in any outside activity. It would also be a life I would struggle with because every day would be a new problem or confrontation. It would seriously put a strain on our marriage, maybe to the breaking point.

These are the type guidelines we can up with - this is all so difficult because the situation does not fit any “how to raise your child” book!
You can’t live at home (forever). It is not healthy for you, it is not healthy for us.
You have 3 months to show us the first step towards your independence (this might be taking an online class, or volunteering with a club or work association to get social exposure, or applying for a couple of job positions - part time low pay is ok, or another activity that will get her started, one small step at a time. A choice might also be an online course in how to manage ADHD as an adult.
If you do not take any action in 3 months, you will take on cleaning the house and laundry (or other major chores). We are not servants - you must pull your weight. We do equal work, your dad and I go to work plus chores, you must either work outside the home or provide 30 hours of work at home.)

Hopefully you will feel that some move towards a future will ease some of your worries. I’m not sure you want to go as drastic as our future plan is - that our son cannot live at home. I’m guessing if everything falls apart with his inability to overcome his anxiety to get a job, we may end up paying for a very cheap apartment and making sure his car still works with hopes that he won’t like his living place enough that he is motivated to apply for a job.
It’s so difficult. I’m having some health issues because of this.

Reach out to your daughter’s medical health professionals. Both Inpatient and outpatient programs should offer family counseling to help parents and loved ones cope.

You wrote “ people say i need to prioritize me.” That is unhelpful advice. And shows the level of ignorance the average person has when it comes to mental illness. You don’t dump the ill person or stop caring for them. You seek help.

Caring for yourself is not abandoning your daughter. Seeking professional help is appropriate. Therapy for you is as important as for your daughter. There are organizations that can help like National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and others. Do a Google search for organizations near you.

Anxiety and depression are typically symptoms of other mental health disorders. ADHD is not mental illness. If your daughter’s symptoms are worsening it could be related to medication that needs to be reevaluated. Contact the prescriber and report your daughter’s deterioration.

thank you .. I am based in the UK - we are so far behind in mental health care here. There is little or no therapy available and inpatient care other than sectioning doesn't exist. I have a counselling assessment this week to see if they can provide some support. This is the third service as the previous 2 said no! thank you for your time to reach out.

I agree with @dmr4ever - please reach out to her healthcare provider and particularly, her psychiatrist. Pacing 12 hours a day can indicate akathisia, which can be connected to medications and often occurs many weeks after multiple changes in medication. I feel for you.

@kor, it can be hard to find mental health services that are available when you need them. I hope that the upcoming counselling assessment results in a supported path forward for you and your family.

In the UK, a readily available service for those crisis moments or other resources, please see the Samaritans website https://www.samaritans.org/ or call 116 123.

- If you're worried about someone else https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/

appreciate your response x

@triciaot Sending you and your family loving and supportive energy. I wish I could do more. ❤️✨life brings us such hard things we are never prepared for. You’re not alone and you’re doing the best anyone could possibly do. 🤗