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Spouse behavior. Husband has inoperable grade 4 glioblastoma
Our 50 year-old son who lives eight hours from us has been diagnosed with grade 4 inoperable glioblastoma. He's starting his third week of chemo/radiation. His wife decided to go camping along with their 13-year-old son to "getaway". She will return for two days and then go take what was a plan of vacation for all of them without him. Fortunately our daughter is with him now and we will go be with him next week. Admittedly his wife has had a difficult time having lost a brother to suicide and both parents within the last two years. We know she is grieving and struggling on her own but somehow I can't get my head around the fact that she is choosing to work 20 hour days, some of it needed to make ends meet, but rather than getting a day away every now and then she's choosing to leave him completely alone. Including not being with him for his upcoming oncology appointment. I'm struggling to find the balance. I understand she is still grieving from losing her father less than a year ago, but somehow I cannot understand how she would take him and her son and just leave him with a sibling. Can someone help me make sense of this?
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@judyandchloe We are working on it. Prayers appreciated as are your comments.
While you are visiting, if he is lucid, you might explore the power of attorney matter. That can be changed if he is capable and willing. Touchy, yes. Walk carefully but explore the issue with him if the opportunity arises.
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2 ReactionsGrieving for some can be really difficult for some women and don’t know what is best to handle their new situation in life. I would suggest she go see a counselor/therapist. Sometimes this can turn into something worse for a caretaker.
@ruthannray I thought i had replied to your note, but i dontmsee it. Thank you for your comments. Insightful. You are correct on several fronts. Today, Labor Day, he is home alone. We spoke w/ his wife last night. She decided she and her son would sleep away last night so they could go to a labor day picnic, since he did not wish to go for whatever reasons. So he was alone last night and all day today. I guess im just old school. But enough of that. We'll be there next week and all of Oct to help,as best we can. Still trying to give here benefit of doubt. Again. Thanks commenting. I know you get it.
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1 Reaction@jbaum6 we've gently encouraged that, and also gently offered to cover cost. Declined. Also declined any help from a nearby church for everyday needs, lawm mow, run errands, etc. we are paying for son's piano lessons, and private school. But there are larger issues. In a prior comment someone said if the marriage was poor before glio, it is likely to get worse not better. Sad. Thanks for commenting. Going to leave this alone for now. Thanks for commenting. It helps.
This is why I worry so much for my sibling who has been by himself almost from the beginning. I worry that he doesn’t carry info on his person so that he always gets the treatment he needs. I think everybody must do this that has serious health problems. And, a list people and numbers so they will be contacted if necessary, with your son being alone or ignored so often, it’s essential. Years ago, while skiing I saw a man fall into a cluster of rocks on a triple black diamond run. He was air evacuated to a town a couple hundred miles away where he died. He had no ID on him so his family suffered for two days not knowing if he was dead or alive. I do not leave home without ID for the last forty plus years. I would include a list of medications and doctors also. Put it all in a plastic cover so there is one at home, too, in his bedroom. First responders need this information.
I agree about changing his power of attorneys to you and your husband. His wife may be burnt out but it comes down to neglect and abuse to leave him alone.
@judyandchloe thank you. Really good suggestions.