Can anyone relate?

Posted by grasping @grasping, Aug 29 12:40am

First, I want to say that in my 67 years of life I have been to many Psychiatrists, therapists, doctors to try and get help for my lifelong depression, anxiety, very low self-esteem.
I have been on so many medications that have not worked because I have very severe IBS and cannot take them. I have read many self-help books. I have talked and talked, been honest and told everything. NOTHING has helped me and I get very frustrated with every website, chat, podcast that says get professional help with severe depression, this just does not work! I feel everyone is missing something or I am just too dense to understand what is told to me. I do not even think anyone I go to cares if they help me. I do not think I have been given the right diagnosis.
I will just say what I am going through daily and hope that someone out there can relate to me.
I look around and compare myself to everyone and come up short. I obsess all day, most every day, about how ugly I am, how stupid, boring. I feel like no one likes me. I am not fun, interesting or pretty, I think everything revolves around looks. I am very self-centered. I am shallow for thinking this way and hate that I cannot stop it. I have no talent and cannot do anything well.
I do not understand how people relate. I do not feel connected to anyone.
I am living with my ex-husband who drives me insane, although everyone else likes him. I am stressed because we do not like the same things, also, he wants sex and intimacy and I cannot give that to him, my body is too ugly, also I had to have a radical hysterectomy because of cancer and have no sex drive. This causes so much anxiety. I explained this all to him, but he does not understand. He tells me I am crazy. The reason I am living with him is because I cannot financially make it on my own and for some reason he wanted me back even after I left him.
I feel severe sadness when my 2 grown children do things without me. I cannot stop myself from pouring out my pain to my children because I have no one else to talk to. This makes me feel even worse. I am a horrible parent for doing this to my children.
The older I get the more bitter and angry I get because I have lived my life hating myself, wishing I could change everything about myself. I am angry that no one can help me. I am mad that others seem to like themselves, have friends, and have people that love them.
I try to tell myself to just live alone and not socialize with anyone. Do not look in the mirror so that I will not see myself. This is the only way I can live without losing my mind. Yet I want what others have so when I isolate myself, I end up crying all day.
I had alcoholic parents, I got married at 17 to get out of the house, I lost 2 children to crib death, I was born flat chested and all I ever wanted was to be pretty. I had implants that my body rejected several times so now, after having them removed, I look deformed. I have tried many surgeries to make myself look acceptable, be loveable.
I understand that many people have it worse than I. For some reason others deal with things, they grow up and do not put as much emphasis on looks. I cannot do that.
There are people who do not get help There are people that are just not nice. This is me.
Please, is there anyone out there who can relate?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

parrot53 | @parrot53 | Sep 5 6:03am

In reply to @grasping "I will try this. ty" + (show)

@grasping I found this today. I thought you might like to read it. I subscribe to this feed to help me focus on positive things.
https://nicenews.com/health-and-wellness/martha-beck-free-yourself-from-anxiety/
Have a good day.

sisyphus | @sisyphus | Sep 5 5:09pm

It looks to me a noose of anxiety that tightened its grip so much that all you can think and remember about is a person who has been hated for ever -- by others and Yourself.

So cut the noose? Ya, but HOW?
If all the professional help has failed and people around us seem unable or disinterested, then talk to trees and....

So let's do that looks irrelevant but might help -- but certainly not hurt.
So let's grasp at something you do everyday, we all do: eating, breathing, moving. Let's start with food: Can you before you drink the first glass on water hold and feel the soothing coldness in your fingers and palm and then feel the refreshing smooth flow thru the mouth down into your throat. 5 secs of life!

Next at meal while I'd like eventually the every food, let's start the 1-minute attention on the apple/peach+ and as you hold it observe the colours (many) the skin smooth/rough and as you slices one piece and bite on it FEEL the taste, chewiness, and the sliding it down your throat. I want YOU to feel the PLEASURE. Pleasures of the senses can be a strong antidote to anxiety and depression. (actually there's a book by two psychologists: Better In Every Sense) The child in us knew it, but the environment can stunt it.

Can you repeat this 1-min ritual at your dinner too with another fruit or veggy?
We can go slowly with other similar no-cost, within reach pleasures when I hear u feel u r up to it.
Good luck fellow human --No life need be Under-lived!
And, NO, You Don't know what our Future will be. No one does. So Relax. I mean about the lonely predicament

grasping | @grasping | Sep 5 7:17pm

I am restraining myself because I know you mean well and anyone other than me would benefit from your suggestion. It is very kind of you to respond to my self pitying post. I am having a very, very bad day and just want to take something to knock me out. I cannot get how doing small things like you say will ever get me to the point where I can forgive myself for hurting people I love with my negativity, depression. It hurts so bad knowing what a sick person I am. To know I will never get better. I am 67 abd do not have time to fix this. Small steps will simply take to long to stop making others in my life miserable. I have had a terrible arguement with the last person who tried ro help me. I have decided to move out of my house and disappear from everyone so no one will have to deal with me. Why can no doctor or medication help me? Maybe if I was rich I could get some better help. I hate life, I hate me. I know alot of readers must be thinking that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I am too dense to figure out how.

grasping | @grasping | Sep 5 7:18pm

I will stop with my post now, it is not helping anyone reading who may have solveable problems. I wish you all the best.

shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | Sep 6 12:19pm

In reply to @mariannewmoon "@grasping I understand everything you just said. I agree. In fact, I think I actually said..." + (show)

@mariannewmoon

@grasping I understand everything you just said. I agree. In fact, I think I actually said this. But probably didn't make myself clear. You don't really have to reach out to others. I pretty much stopped trying to reach out to others for exactly the reasons you said. It is hard to explain what's going on in your head. Who could possibly understand, except maybe those who have similar feelings? What good would it do if others did understand? Would that make you feel any better? Well, maybe....some, I guess. Only you can understand what you feel, and maybe pretty much why. Which means only you can do anything about it. Acknowledge it, and accept it, and then see if you can find something else that you can think about. I always thought times like that would call for something maybe dramatic. Maybe travel to another country, if you can, and see things you've always wanted to see. I guess most of us couldn't do that, unless maybe you could go with a group. Or move somewhere else that sounds possible, for a change of scenery. Or go to school and learn about something that has been interesting to you. Some of the things I have done in the past to try to make my life more interesting, are, I went to a fat farm, (it actually wasn't called that) in California, and lost a bunch of weight, and I was able to feel pretty good about myself for a few years after that. I took a ride in a helicopter down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. That was a great experience. And I got my law degree at the age of 51, from USD in California, with no intention of actually working in that profession. I just like being able to study law. Anyway, that made me think that maybe I wasn't as dumb as I had always felt I was. But that didn't last long. I also enjoyed studying social science, and the physical sciences at UofO (Oregon). I like the physical sciences the best. I was 48 when I got my BS, (science that is). I still like to collect rocks. The thing is, I didn't ask anyone's advice before I did any of those things, I just did what I wanted to. Of course, I am a lot more limited in what I could do now. But I sure like the idea of doing things that people wouldn't expect I would do and not worry about what others thought. It kind of got me excited just thinking about that. I guess I could take a course online now in a subject I have always wanted to learn about. Say, if you can't find a therapist you can talk to who seems to understand your situation, why not take an online course in psychology and be your own therapist? Actually, that is exactly what I started to do when I was taking classes at UofO. My idea started out by asking myself, "if I were a therapist, what would I tell someone who had the exact same problems I do?" OK, I guess I'm getting carried away again. So, I will stop now. Just don't give up on yourself.

Jump to this post

@mariannewmoon
👍

mariannewmoon | @mariannewmoon | Sep 6 6:28pm

In reply to @grasping "I am restraining myself because I know you mean well and anyone other than me would..." + (show)

@grasping I am so sorry to see that you are giving up on this group. Apparently, no one has said anything that gives you any kind of help or encouragement. But please don't give up on yourself. Try another group, maybe on Facebook. They have so many different groups, and I bet you could find one, or more that fits your situation. You don't even have to say anything yourself, if you don't want to, just read what others are saying, and maybe, just maybe, someone will say something someday that will touch you in a positive way you wouldn't expect. Also, you could start your own group. Use your imagination, like for "People who have given up in life, and have no hope for getting better". Or whatever you might come up with. There's got to be someone out there in this vastly populated world you might feel comfortable talking with. It sounds like you are not looking for answers, just for understanding. I hope you find it.

shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | Sep 6 7:53pm

In reply to @mariannewmoon "@grasping I understand everything you just said. I agree. In fact, I think I actually said..." + (show)

@mariannewmoon

Jump to this post

@mariannewmoon
Life makes no sense. If it does, I certainly can't figure it out. Good. Bad. Lucky. Unlucky. Why should I carry the weight of absurdity on my shoulders. I am here. Have a great time. It will end soon enough.

fan98805 | @fan98805 | Sep 11 12:09pm

You sound like you're a better person than that. If I'm posting asking for help, I feel like I should try to help somebody else. Not sure how much this helps you're in the right place. The last thing you wanna do is be all alone. If You can't get help right away. I'm sure you've heard of services like 988 and warm lines. You know, the numbers like that or contact churches? Of course, they're easy to find with a Android or iPhone device. Take care of yourself now. Or anything that connects to the internet. You don't have internet connection at home. There are plenty of places you can go for free. Wifi could in your local library.

grasping | @grasping | Sep 11 3:14pm

In reply to @mariannewmoon "@grasping I am so sorry to see that you are giving up on this group. Apparently,..." + (show)

@mariannewmoon
I have been talking to someone here who has been a big help. You cannot judge me for having major deppresion. It is not something a person can just snap out of because someone suggests religion or meditation, or positive thinking! I am working my way through this latest depression by talking. I will definetly provide others with positive feedback when I make it to the other side. Sorry if I appear unappreciative, I am very depressed and am sorry but it is not my fault. There is deppression that everyone gets in their life and then they bounce back. With Major clinical deppression it involves a lot more than just thoughts, I believe chemicals, hormones, and life expiriences are involved.

grasping | @grasping | Sep 11 3:17pm

In reply to @fan98805 "You sound like you're a better person than that. If I'm posting asking for help, I..." + (show)

@fan98805
please read my post @mariannewmoon above. Of xiurse I have internet or I would not be on this site. I do not go on face book and have spent years wandering the internet looking for answers. I thank you for your post.