Can anyone relate?

I am sorry for what you are going through too. I do not look forward to being all alone but I too must accept this.

@grasping you are not a horrible human being. You are worthy of love and respect. You may not get answers the first time around but don’t give up. You will find the answers eventually. In the meantime, find one thing to be grateful for today, just today. Then do that every day until it is the first thing you think about. If you forget, do it as soon as you remember. Then do one kind thing for someone. Just a kind word will do. Something like, “you look nice today” or “thank you”. Nothing complicated just positive. You can slowly replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. And… take extra care when you eat. Try to eat fresh fruits and vegetables. You can begin this journey. Just take one step at a time. Sending you a hug and a smile. You are worthy of my respect just because you are reaching out to change. 😊

I will try this. ty

@grasping So glad to hear that! Try getting outside in the morning too. Take a short walk, or if you are not up to that, just put a chair on the front porch and have your morning coffee or tea. The morning light helps your body and mind start the day. Each step in a positive direction leads to the next. You can do this. Sending you a hug and a smile 😊

@mariannewmoon
I do thank you for your reply The thing that sticks out to me is that you say you came to the conclusion that how you acted (and how I act) are selfish; me, me, me. Yes it is true I spend time thinking about me I cannot seem to stop feeling this way. It is human nature to want to feel loved and needed. I do not feel this way and have never been given any sense of belonging. I have no self esteem so while I may be selfish, it is not that I think of my self first. I empathize with everyone, I yearn to be close to others, I want to belong. I am at a loss to say how I feel about being thought of as selfish because this conjures up to for me a person that has everything and is hording attention, hoarding love, someone who is taking from others for themselves. This is not me. If Selfish means constantly thinking how I can fit in then yes I am selfish. If that is what you are saying, I do not think being selfish is all so bad after all.

My message did not come out as I wanted. All I am saying is that if how I feel is considered selfish than I have thought of selfishness in a totally different way. I have no control over lacking any self worth. I was not given what a child needs to grow and love themself. Selfish to me has meant someone who wants everything, takes and takes. This is not me. I do not want everything just a little peace and self acceptance and if that is being selfish I do not want to be in this world.

@grasping Yes, I didn't mean it in a selfish kind of way. It is understandable that when you are in any kind of pain, physical or emotional, you will naturally be thinking all the time of how it hurts you. I know that all too well. I wasn't even aware that I was doing that, and maybe it wasn't a good thing...for me. I was always aware of how I felt when I was around others, and never even thought of how they might be feeling. After thinking about that for a while I realized it was people I admired the most, who were always thinking of others. No, it isn't a bad thing, and I can understand why I was like that. Actually, I may still be because I haven't been around other people for a long time. I guess I will never have the opportunity to test this "revelation". So, maybe I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe selfish is too strong a word. That was the word I came up with for myself. Right, I can understand why someone might think I meant someone who takes everything for themselves. I definitely didn't mean that. I don't know another word for it, at least not one that would sound any better, like self-centered? So, maybe it has more than one meaning. Well, today it does. For me anyway. Now I too was not given what I needed to feel I had any worth. But I have a brain, as you do, and to me it isn't logical to think that way about myself, especially seeing as how my parents were probably raised the same way. So, I think of it as, I may not feel I have any worth, but I do have common sense. My common sense tells me that no one should feel they have no worth. It isn't healthy. So, what my parents failed to give me I have to find for myself, and I am still working on it. I think I have made some progress, and I don't feel as bad as I used to. And like I said before, I have made some progress by not thinking about myself all the time and how worthless I feel. I try to find out how others are feeling now when I have the opportunity. I wish I could have said all this in much fewer words. But I'm always thinking I didn't explain something right, so I have to try to explain it another way. Like I did when my original message made you think I was calling you selfish. The bad kind of selfish. You are not. So, I will stop now.

The only other thing I would like to say is that I am unable to change the way I am, how I feel any more than the people in my life can change the way they are or the way they view me. I am foolish to reach out to others for help. How can others help when I cannot even explain how I feel. I am glad you found something that works for you.

@grasping I understand everything you just said. I agree. In fact, I think I actually said this. But probably didn't make myself clear. You don't really have to reach out to others. I pretty much stopped trying to reach out to others for exactly the reasons you said. It is hard to explain what's going on in your head. Who could possibly understand, except maybe those who have similar feelings? What good would it do if others did understand? Would that make you feel any better? Well, maybe....some, I guess. Only you can understand what you feel, and maybe pretty much why. Which means only you can do anything about it. Acknowledge it, and accept it, and then see if you can find something else that you can think about. I always thought times like that would call for something maybe dramatic. Maybe travel to another country, if you can, and see things you've always wanted to see. I guess most of us couldn't do that, unless maybe you could go with a group. Or move somewhere else that sounds possible, for a change of scenery. Or go to school and learn about something that has been interesting to you. Some of the things I have done in the past to try to make my life more interesting, are, I went to a fat farm, (it actually wasn't called that) in California, and lost a bunch of weight, and I was able to feel pretty good about myself for a few years after that. I took a ride in a helicopter down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. That was a great experience. And I got my law degree at the age of 51, from USD in California, with no intention of actually working in that profession. I just like being able to study law. Anyway, that made me think that maybe I wasn't as dumb as I had always felt I was. But that didn't last long. I also enjoyed studying social science, and the physical sciences at UofO (Oregon). I like the physical sciences the best. I was 48 when I got my BS, (science that is). I still like to collect rocks. The thing is, I didn't ask anyone's advice before I did any of those things, I just did what I wanted to. Of course, I am a lot more limited in what I could do now. But I sure like the idea of doing things that people wouldn't expect I would do and not worry about what others thought. It kind of got me excited just thinking about that. I guess I could take a course online now in a subject I have always wanted to learn about. Say, if you can't find a therapist you can talk to who seems to understand your situation, why not take an online course in psychology and be your own therapist? Actually, that is exactly what I started to do when I was taking classes at UofO. My idea started out by asking myself, "if I were a therapist, what would I tell someone who had the exact same problems I do?" OK, I guess I'm getting carried away again. So, I will stop now. Just don't give up on yourself.

@grasping is there one thing you can be thankful for today? Have you been outside? You seem to be on a never ending spiral. Only you can decide if you want to allow yourself a positive moment/s. Hoping you have the desire to change.