I am restraining myself because I know you mean well and anyone other than me would benefit from your suggestion. It is very kind of you to respond to my self pitying post. I am having a very, very bad day and just want to take something to knock me out. I cannot get how doing small things like you say will ever get me to the point where I can forgive myself for hurting people I love with my negativity, depression. It hurts so bad knowing what a sick person I am. To know I will never get better. I am 67 abd do not have time to fix this. Small steps will simply take to long to stop making others in my life miserable. I have had a terrible arguement with the last person who tried ro help me. I have decided to move out of my house and disappear from everyone so no one will have to deal with me. Why can no doctor or medication help me? Maybe if I was rich I could get some better help. I hate life, I hate me. I know alot of readers must be thinking that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I am too dense to figure out how.