Diagnosis of delirium

Do not overcommit yourself. Take care.

@1995victoria
Hello:
Just from my experience:
My Mom was in a memory care facility during COVID lockdown. We weren't allowed to visit. Because of the extreme conditions, we could go to the facility and they'd place her in front of the window with a phone, and we'd chat through the glass on our phone. You would of course have to be there and that's challenging for you.
Another way we'd virtually visit is, the facility had a Facebook page, so we'd video chat that way with staff assistance of course (there is a video feature on Facebook if you have a page). This didn't work that well for us due to the stage of Alzheimers my Mom was experiencing (too challenging for her to engage being nearly non-verbal), but it may work for you.
All the best, and good for you for making an effort! 👏

I have an 89-year-old friends who's showing signs of dementia.

I live far away and really can't help much, except to talk on the phone.

But I don't know how to handle her moments of delirium. Should I just humor her?

I know this can't end well. I've been stressing for months.

A pretty bad situation. I wish I knew what to do myself, let alone how to advise anyone else.

Sometimes, we want to help but can't because of our own health limitations. You'd be better off just talking with him from time to time, on the phone, especially if you're going through treatments and he gets delirious. I think the best you can do is to periodically call him, show him how much you care, Facetime if you can so he can see you. Have the facility help find his phone and with Facetime if you call. I'm not sure I like my answer this morning, but I think it's the most realistic for your situation and the travel distance to get there, as well as once you do, he may ask you to leave again. It would be different if you were near the facility and you could come and go easily. Hats off to you though for caring and wanting to help him. Best, Karla

@scottrl goggle Dr. Natali CareBlazers and see what she recommends for someone who has moments of delirium on the phone. My initial reaction is to stay calm, try to redirect the conversation, if they are at all reasonable, and try to lovingly work them through it, humor and/or no humor, whatever short, simple words, even I love you, I care about you, you're my good friends, and I wish I was there today with you. I agree, use humor or whatever you calmly have to do, to help them through it. I think the hard part here is being on the phone, where they can't see you, and feel your presence to help calm them down so they know they are safe. Best, Karla

@scottrl I think it’s great that your friend has you to talk to. I am sure you are a reassuring voice at a time when she is mentally experiencing changes she doesn’t really understand. I think when she has her moments of delusions you should comfort and redirect. Please don’t stress over this friendship…that is not good for your health. Yes, you do know how this will end but while you can be there for your friend.

@kjc48 Thank you Karla.......That's what I was doing, calling on the phone but he misplaced his phone and didn't want the staff or me to try to find it. So then all I could do was send him a brief note via post office, to let him know I didn't abandon him, and was thinking about him. I will visit him tomorrow, so maybe he will let me look for his phone and his watch (which he also misplaced) and refused to let me look for it, last time, when he told me to leave and not come back. It is hard to know what to do for him.....and what I can do. Maybe I can visit once a month.

This time the delirium lasted about a month. Both the staff and I didn't know what to do, except abide with his wishes. I never experienced this type of behavior with my grandparents, parents, and other close friends, it was upsetting to me to see such an abrupt and totally hostile/paranoid behavior from a very nice, intelligent man I've know for 40 years.

@1995victoria I think it's wonderful that you care and that he has a good friend like you, but I also know that your health is paramount here, too. And with the travel, and the added stress, is that good for you? Going in and out of being delirious, he knows now what he does, and therefore, perhaps, the best people are the ones at the facility caring for him, that can move up and down with his changing moods. I think you have to trust your gut and determine just how much you can do from a distance - and want to do for him because the travel in to see him is important to you. That's the key here, as it sounds like you care a lot for him, and that speaks a lot for you. Best, Karla

Thanks to everyone for their input.

For one thing, I have to establish some boundaries, or she'd call me multiple times a day. I simply don't have the energy for that, especially since she may not remember earlier calls.

I'm committed to doing what I can and not feeling bad that I can't do more.