I lost my significant other to cancer about two months ago.

Posted by Kent Mc Daniel @kentmcdaniel, Jun 30 8:07am

I lost my significant other, Kay, to cancer about two months ago. I feel this empty hole in my heart that I cannot fill. And I fell alone. Will I emotionally recover and get better? Please help me. I try to stay busy and stay positive and I just cannot bear seeing any photos of the lady I lost, Kay, about two months ago. Her family has been giving me great emotional and physical support by helping me coordinate all my bills and various other things.
Will I survive?
Kent

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@kentmcdaniel
Sorry for your loss. I have lost loved ones, and it does take time to readjust to life without them. You're not alone in dealing with this, as you can tell from many places discussed on Connect.

My mom has been gone for over 10 years, but I cannot bring myself to delete her phone number from my cell phone.

A few years ago, I posted a comment to someone who lost a child. You may want to read my post with few resources:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/935957/
Mayo Connect is a great place to share what they are going through, but additional resources may be support groups in your area that you can join to discuss with others going through the same thing.

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My first husband died over thirty years ago, and I can still feel the grief if I pause and think about it. And sometimes it wells up unexpectedly. The first year out was excruciatingly difficult. And for some years after that I often felt actively grief-stricken while also moving on. A grief group helped me, as did talking to other widows who seemed to appear out of nowhere to take me to lunch. Friends and therapy helped, as did getting two cats, and of course my very young daughter who was totally grief-stricken and needed care. But often I felt like I was sleep walking--couldn't eat or sleep. I also consulted my PCP who was a great person and very helpful. I did many rituals (my husband and I were different religions) some of which were just personal. I still give charity in his memory, and talk about him. I'm glad you are getting family support. Is there anything else you'd like to try that might help?

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I'm so sad for you. Your grief is still so new. There are days of shock, disbelief, and fear. It hits you like a tidal wave. It takes sometimes months for those waves to get smaller. They will!
I lost my son. I didn't believe he was gone, my heart wouldn't accept it. My mind knew, and life was a fog of grief. I couldn't even cry. Family went on with their lives, friends ignored me. Seriously. His dad and I tried all the classes, but we knew time was our only source of healing. Time doesn't heal the wound, but it makes it smoother. You will see you can smile when you think of her. You can talk about her without breaking down, or shutting down.
I know, after only two months, it is impossible to think of laughing again, but you will.
Please, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry, but also keep in your mind, that it will change. I won't say better, just smoother, easier, with less and less huge waves of grief, and more of happy memories and smiles. I do know this is true. In time, you will think of her and smile.

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Profile picture for Miriam, Volunteer Mentor @mir123

My first husband died over thirty years ago, and I can still feel the grief if I pause and think about it. And sometimes it wells up unexpectedly. The first year out was excruciatingly difficult. And for some years after that I often felt actively grief-stricken while also moving on. A grief group helped me, as did talking to other widows who seemed to appear out of nowhere to take me to lunch. Friends and therapy helped, as did getting two cats, and of course my very young daughter who was totally grief-stricken and needed care. But often I felt like I was sleep walking--couldn't eat or sleep. I also consulted my PCP who was a great person and very helpful. I did many rituals (my husband and I were different religions) some of which were just personal. I still give charity in his memory, and talk about him. I'm glad you are getting family support. Is there anything else you'd like to try that might help?

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@mir123
Being focused on good things and activities like music art, illustration and boardgame group.

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If you don't already have one get a cat to keep you company and give you someone to talk to. This won't be a cure all but it'll help.

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I believe that time is the best thing for dealing with loss and grief, good family and supportive friends also helps. I like to talk about them because I feel like they are never really gone and that gives me some comfort, best wishes.

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I had everything going well being with my significant other for about twenty years. And I am going to retire in couple of years and have a nice retirement nest egg. But since Kay passed away I have nothing to look forward to now after I retire. This hurts. I work my whole life to have my life set up to be comfortable.
Kent

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I go through phases of grief then I feel a little better after these. But
I still feel empty and lonely.

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Profile picture for Kent Mc Daniel @kentmcdaniel

I go through phases of grief then I feel a little better after these. But
I still feel empty and lonely.

Jump to this post

@kentmcdaniel
Kent,
I am so sorry that you lost your wonderful Kay! That is so sad and hard to cope with. My husband died of lung cancer two years ago on July 7th. I still miss him terribly. The sadness one feels at a loved one's death is unimaginable. All of a sudden life is different and each day is a struggle just to maintain some sense of normality. What I did was to keep a routine and stay with it every day. I got up at a certain time, fixed breakfast, made the bed, vacuumed, went grocery shopping and put gas in the car etc. It helped me get through this awful ordeal. I'm 80 and all of my family and friends are dead. I have some good neighbors and friends but they are all younger and work. I do have one son who hasn't spoken to me in 20 years. I was so lonely! I finally reached out to the one I should have been reaching out to all along and that was God. I asked for his help getting through this awful time and he has helped me immensely! He can help you through this bad time also. I'm not saying go to church; although that can be nice. You don't have to say formal prayers. Just talk to God like he was your best friend and he is! Tell him how you feel and what you need help with. He will be there for you and you will finally begin to feel some peace.

Also remember that Kay is up in Heaven and the two of you will be reunited in Heaven in God's time. I know that I will be reunited in Heaven with my husband also. It's just hard being left behind.

Things will get better. If you need to talk, I have plenty of time. I'll say a prayer for you also.

I wish you the best.
PML

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