Anyone Else With PTSD?

I have had PTSD for many years now, I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused for 40 years, beginning with my father. I was also raped at 17 years old while my new born baby slept just feet away. I looked for love in all the wrong places trying to replace the love I never got from my father. When I was growing up I was not allowed to cry, no matter what the reason, I was the oldest of 4 and when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I took on the roll of caretaker for my mother and my younger sisters and brother. When my mother died at 33 years of age, I didn't cry, I buried the pain and the tears in order to stay strong for my siblings. I was 16 at the time. My life was already in shambles so over the next 30 some years abuse became the norm for me.I was married 4 times and involved with 3 other men. I spent my life in fear, compromise and total ignorance of what a normal life really was.I would see couples walking holding hands and smiling at each other and wondered how they could be so happy, I envied them, I would watch tv and see a pregnant woman, her husband listening to the baby by putting his ear on her belly, or see other people paying her a lot of loving attention, it would make me so sad because with 3 pregnancies and 2 live births I never had any of those things. I would watch this foreign behavior and wonder why, why did some women have all this love yet others had non. Was it something I had done wrong? if so what did I do? My father used to tell me I was never wanted and I should just shoot myself in the head and do the world a big favor. it was times like these I wondered why he would say those things, maybe he was right, I mean my life sure wasn't the loving, caring life I had seen people on tv have. There was a time I was bitter, full of hate and anger. I spent 30 days in a shelter for battered women. Once I could pull myself out of the corner I was faced with a new feeling, one I had never felt before. As I pondered what this new feeling was, I noticed the other women in the shelter, they were smiling, walking freely around the house, chasing their kids and talking among themselves, I wanted to join them but didn't really know how, I caught myself smiling too, suddenly I realized I wasn't fearful, I felt safe, for the first time in my life I actually felt safe. What a wonderful feeling. OMG, I couldn't believe what I was feeling, it was a good feeling and I wanted more of it. Throughout the next 30 days, each day brought a new feeling, I felt myself grow stronger, more determined, A feeling of freedom and a sense of,I think I might even make it now. wow, who was this new person I had become? It was during those 30 days that I developed the mindset that I would not allow myself to be abused anymore, this was it, it stops here and now. I now recognized myself as a valuable person, I was smart, energetic, and at 42 years old I felt young and vibrant. I finished nursing school and joined the Navy. By this time I had 4 grandchildren and I planned to be around to see them grown. I will find happiness, I will lead my own life, I will be free to make my own decisions, right or wrong I will learn what life is all about. Going to that shelter was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I walked in a battered, broken woman but I walked out a new person determined to be my own woman. I wasn't easy, it has been a hard journey, I have fallen more times than I care to mention but I have always gotten back up. PTSD is a life long illness but I am living proof that there IS life after abuse. Never, ever give in to PTSD, grow strong by finding something meaningful to focus on. Keep your spirits up, realize you will have bad days and good days. Don't let the bad days outshine the good. I am happy to say, not only have I seen my grandchildren grown but I have 7 great grandchildren, they are my joy. I still to this day have my moments but I owe my life to that shelter, What I learned there was remarkable, Sorry for such a long post, I really did try to keep it short. But I hope my story helps someone. There's so much more to my story as I am sure there is to yours. Mine is a happy ending and I pray that yours is too..Thanks for taking the time to read this... God Bless..

For those of us with PTSD there are those rough and angry times. I realize the pain some are in because of past abuse. Venting can be cathartic at times.

Dear Jeannie26, this is peach. When reading your post it was as though it was a repeat of my life. Yes, there are many of us who have never had the love that is needed for a healthy mind. I cry for you and the rest of us. Some how this ugly mess of a life makes us stronger. Do not reproach yourself for the many mistakes we make as we live our life. Some how here we are, still alive. Yes, suffering, but still alive. My children cannot understand my life because I treated them as well as I could. I am sure you were kind and loving with your children. If only there were helpful social workers. I think the only ones that can possibly HELP US are the ones who have lived and suffered the same abuses as we had. REMEMBER THIS:, myself and many, many others who have suffered the same as we have do understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Love, love, love. Peach 414144

@jeanie26 Thank you for sharing with us! I bet as you reread what you posted, those feelings of accomplishment came back. You have made each day count, and used your past history as a stepping stone to better things. Good for you, and glad to hear your story!
Ginger

Peach, thank you for your kind words, I knew when I was going through the roughest times that I was not alone. Everyone I knew was in the same situation, like I said, abuse was the norm for many of us. Sadly, back years ago there was absolutely no help, The police couldn't do anything, The courts couldn't do anything. No one could help, I've gone to the door beat and bloody but the police could only ask him to leave but they couldn't stop him from coming back, and when he did there was another beating because the police were called. Part of living with an abuser is the fact that he isolates you, no phone, no car, no money. So even if there would be help out there we wouldn't know it. That was the case in 1986 when I ended up in the shelter I wrote about. I made it to the nearest phone and dialed 0, I ask to be connected to a crisis center, The operator ask if I was safe, when I told her I was for the moment , she said stay where you are as long as you are safe and someone will call you right back, it was less than a minute and the phone rang, on the other end was a concerned voice that gave me directions to," somewhere". I had no idea where I was going but followed her lead, ( one of the rare times I had a car) Once I got there, a woman was waiting outside in the parking lot with an umbrella, It was raining of course. She walked me across the st.and we entered a house, She ask me about what happened, took pictures of my wounds and showed me to a room with 2 sets of bunk beds, She gave me some tylenol for pain and introduced me to my bunk. I had no idea there were such places. I was told it was a shelter for battered women and that I would be safe there. I had been kept in the dark so long that I didn't know Shelters even existed, and let's face it they don't exactly advertise their services. Now a days, women, are more in tune with what help is available and thank God the police can now arrest and charge the abuser with domestic violence without the woman having to do it. While abuse is still of epidemic proportions, at least there have been some improvements with getting some help. There is still so much that needs to be done but at least it's a start. I am happy to say that I am no longer a victim but a strong survivor. While PTSD is life long, it no longer defines who I am. I have learned to love myself, The depression and anxiety while uncomfortable such beats the abuse that lead to it. Thanks again for your heartfelt reply, Hoping and praying you have a blessed day. I look forward to hearing from you again.. Jeanie

A reply to myself! My parents and sisters: When they beat me (many,many many times) they felt so good. so superior . I do not think it healed them. Instead it made them inferior monsters. And to this day, many, many years now they are still the monsters they made themselves to be. Other peple see them for what they are but: They think they are superior and this is the way things should be. They will never change, They are the inferior beings they made themselves to be. You know the difference and do not copy them FOR YOU ARE THE ANGEL. Love, love, love Peach

Hi peach, I just re-read your post. Your sisters, parents beat you. My God!
I have 2 memories I can't share as of now. I wish we could put our abusers be it Mentally or Physically, Verbally on a stage and 1 by 1 let it out, starting with "HOW DARE YOU!!" I was so scared of everything, people, I stuttered so badly {I stopped} YEA! I refused to talk when my mother and I went out. I would make her do the talking for me. Stuttering is such a horrible embarrassment. Look on people's faces and a occasional smile! My brother stated also and he stopped. He became a success, did very well but on the other hand my life went a different way. I accomplished nothing. I have stop now. I wish you all a Good Day.

Hi, Are you feeling a little better? I forgave my father but can not forgive the rest of them. Wishing you a good evening.