1. < Depression & Anxiety

Depression, fibromyalgia and spinal degeneration

Posted by virtuous69 @virtuous69, Jul 20, 2017

Hello. I have Fibro and moderate to severe spinal degeneration, age 69 and husband 78. I've had to let our once per month housecleaner and once per month gardener go due to loss of income. We live in Silicon Valley way beyond our income and due to my illness, can't keep house up.Its trashed. Husband works 3 days per week. End of month is scary financially and husband gets very depressed, sarcastic and a real worry wort. His depression sinks me down like I'm drowning. His company took all medical and vacation/sick time away from grandfathered in employees. I can't take walks due to degenerative back, we have our Christian faith, but I honestly need to get away from my husband sometimes. My best friend and other confidents have died or moved away. Both of us need to have some fun. Our beautiful church and home group of 15 years has disbanded....they were like family. No money, no health...struggling to keep a cheerful and grateful attitude. Our PC doc gives me a mild anti -depression med. Husband is losing his hearing and that causes all kinds of arguments.But doc doesn't give him anything to keep him calm.. There is no free counseling or housekeeping help available to us. I take Advil and Norco for my pain. It's like just waiting for the grave. ---Virtuous69

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Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Jul 20, 2017

Hello @virtuous69 Nice to e-meet you here even under your difficult conditions. I am Scott and while my wife battled brain cancer for 14+ years I was her primary caregiver. Lost my job for the last five of it and was just caregiving.

It is good to know you are both at least of age to be covered under Medicare! My wife and I were too young for it and that added a whole different level of stress. Caregiving and chronic conditions are taxing for anyone, especially when it involves our loved ones. I am not a medical care professional at all, so I only speak from my personal experiences.

My wife and I had to give up all of our help during her illness as well. It was always a house of cards, where the smallest change or expense would add stress and cause the house to shudder, shake, fall apart a bit, but thankfully we were able to keep going. Maintenance went on full-time delay 🙂 Not only for our house, but also for me. Do you know if your area has any nonprofits that offer hearing aid assistance? That might help. I know from my own hearing loss it can be quite exasperating and frustrating for both sides of a conversation and cause even more feelings of isolation.

I had to totem everything we did based on my wife's needs. For a variety of reasons most of our friends and family departed from our lives and our community is one of mostly second homes so the local support was nonexistent. We worked hard on maintaining just a few, cherished friendships, mostly long distance, as best we could. We ended up with one each, but they were lifesavers to each of us at different times.

Quality, private time is a hard thing to come by when you have a loved one dependent on you, that is for sure. I never figured that one out, except I took to getting up at 2 am so I had a couple of solitary hours to myself before my wife's next medicines, etc. Clearly not a viable option for all, but it worked for me and now I find I am actually a morning person (for the first time in my life) and I like it.

I wish there was a magic button or potion, perhaps a genie in a lamp to help in these situations. Moving can sometimes be an option, but in our case the market for homes in our area was not able to afford us that as an option.

Have you contacted your local Office on Aging? Are you or your husband a veteran? The VA has some good resources too.

Peace & Strength

REPLY
8 replies
virtuous69 | @virtuous69 | Jul 27, 2017

Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some time now but could never find the time. Re- read your posts and I'm absolutely amazed at what you had to go through. I think your wife must have been a remarkable woman. I'm sorry you lost her , I'm hoping you both are persons of Faith so that you have a future in Eternity. I think the thing that makes me sad is as you were talking about all the medical bills yet still piling up and having to be paid off when here we are in our supposedly golden age. It did help me put things in perspective a little bit but today I'm having a pity party because I have a lot to do and after sitting in my car and in the local food bank for 3 hours yesterday, it did a number on my back .I went grocery shopping last night with my husband late and I could barely walk: my hips were really giving me a problem so that I had to come home and sit on ice. Viodin + advil not doing much for me these last days and we are in the middle of yet another Calif heat layer that really fouls up my fibromyalgia and hip bursitis. Today I have a lot to do and at 12:15 pm am laying on heating pad and hoping the Vicodin will kick in soon. Computer chair and long car sits do a number on my posture. Yet another potential day wasted. My husband was in the army during Korea, and at end of boot camp was honorably discharged due to back issues and marital problems at home. His wife at the time was busy running around with another man and sent him a Dear John Letter. So we found that he's not eligible for any veterans benefits. Many agencies that I have called for help are paid for services at discounted rates for seniors. At this point we have no Dinero, and like yourself you mentioned your house and the maintenance Etc had to go by the wayside while you were a caregiver .My mobile home has become trashed and full of clutter so that a housekeeper could not make her way through and there were several opportunities that fell apart to help me. I think the fire marshal would have a field day if he came inside my house so I have learned not to be ashamed that I do the best I can and when I have those few pain-free hours I find I call that a blessing and I work as hard and fast as I can to do what I can but each day actually the mess and the Clutter the dust it said it just gets worse. So trying to work on the corner or some project a little of the time is the best I can do but for some reason it's one step forward and three steps back. your description sounds like you know exactly what that's like. In my prayer life I think I heard God tell me just "go from strength-to-strength; I am with you I'm never going to leave you and just do the best you can when you don't feel well or when you do feel well go from strength to strength with My grace". Why this house has to be be cluttered I think because it's hard for me to bend and it's painful, hard for me to put my clothes away , pots and pans away Etc and I usually can only stand for 15 minutes at a time before the pain Creeps in. My attitude is usually pretty good and I'm not usually feeling sorry for myself except on occasion and today is one of those days. I enjoy reading your reply to other people's posts and about reading ,writing . Have 3 books encouraging u plots I want to publish. unfortunately I can't do any hobbies there's a lot that I would like to do because there is so much to do in the house and in the huge Garden space surrounding all mobile home. And we've been told we must move. this place is far too big for us and yet I don't know where to go or what to do Senior postage -stamp size apts tell us we make too much money.. So I'll Keep On Truckin and looking for your posts and replies to others if any of you other people in the discussion group for depression just feel like you've just had it you can't go on another day I would love to read your posts. You also mentioned that the market situation in your area did not make it possible for you to move. I'm stuck in the exact situation .our housing outstrips our income but for the life of me I do not know how or where to go and my husband does not want to move so I'm hoping for a brainstorm of ideas and that God will just guide me to know what I'm supposed to do. Pity gets me no where God bless you, Indiana Scott

REPLY
4 replies
Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Jul 27, 2017
In reply to @virtuous69 "Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some..." + (show)
@virtuous69

Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some time now but could never find the time. Re- read your posts and I'm absolutely amazed at what you had to go through. I think your wife must have been a remarkable woman. I'm sorry you lost her , I'm hoping you both are persons of Faith so that you have a future in Eternity. I think the thing that makes me sad is as you were talking about all the medical bills yet still piling up and having to be paid off when here we are in our supposedly golden age. It did help me put things in perspective a little bit but today I'm having a pity party because I have a lot to do and after sitting in my car and in the local food bank for 3 hours yesterday, it did a number on my back .I went grocery shopping last night with my husband late and I could barely walk: my hips were really giving me a problem so that I had to come home and sit on ice. Viodin + advil not doing much for me these last days and we are in the middle of yet another Calif heat layer that really fouls up my fibromyalgia and hip bursitis. Today I have a lot to do and at 12:15 pm am laying on heating pad and hoping the Vicodin will kick in soon. Computer chair and long car sits do a number on my posture. Yet another potential day wasted. My husband was in the army during Korea, and at end of boot camp was honorably discharged due to back issues and marital problems at home. His wife at the time was busy running around with another man and sent him a Dear John Letter. So we found that he's not eligible for any veterans benefits. Many agencies that I have called for help are paid for services at discounted rates for seniors. At this point we have no Dinero, and like yourself you mentioned your house and the maintenance Etc had to go by the wayside while you were a caregiver .My mobile home has become trashed and full of clutter so that a housekeeper could not make her way through and there were several opportunities that fell apart to help me. I think the fire marshal would have a field day if he came inside my house so I have learned not to be ashamed that I do the best I can and when I have those few pain-free hours I find I call that a blessing and I work as hard and fast as I can to do what I can but each day actually the mess and the Clutter the dust it said it just gets worse. So trying to work on the corner or some project a little of the time is the best I can do but for some reason it's one step forward and three steps back. your description sounds like you know exactly what that's like. In my prayer life I think I heard God tell me just "go from strength-to-strength; I am with you I'm never going to leave you and just do the best you can when you don't feel well or when you do feel well go from strength to strength with My grace". Why this house has to be be cluttered I think because it's hard for me to bend and it's painful, hard for me to put my clothes away , pots and pans away Etc and I usually can only stand for 15 minutes at a time before the pain Creeps in. My attitude is usually pretty good and I'm not usually feeling sorry for myself except on occasion and today is one of those days. I enjoy reading your reply to other people's posts and about reading ,writing . Have 3 books encouraging u plots I want to publish. unfortunately I can't do any hobbies there's a lot that I would like to do because there is so much to do in the house and in the huge Garden space surrounding all mobile home. And we've been told we must move. this place is far too big for us and yet I don't know where to go or what to do Senior postage -stamp size apts tell us we make too much money.. So I'll Keep On Truckin and looking for your posts and replies to others if any of you other people in the discussion group for depression just feel like you've just had it you can't go on another day I would love to read your posts. You also mentioned that the market situation in your area did not make it possible for you to move. I'm stuck in the exact situation .our housing outstrips our income but for the life of me I do not know how or where to go and my husband does not want to move so I'm hoping for a brainstorm of ideas and that God will just guide me to know what I'm supposed to do. Pity gets me no where God bless you, Indiana Scott

Jump to this post

Hello back @virtuous69 PLEASE -- from one caregiver to another you never, ever have to apologize for taking time to reply. Time and energy are precious and rare commodities. We only get them rarely together so please know there is no pressure nor any time expected for any response!

Thank you for the kind words about my wife. Indeed you are correct that she was a very special person in our lives. I was a heck of a mess when we met and I owe my life and the lives of our children to her strength, love, and grit! We were married for 41 years and for the first 2/3s of that she basically carried the load. For the final 1/3 I got to repay her and take care of her.

I attach a photo of our hallway -- I had already attacked it by the time I took this photo. I had to order a construction dumpster for our yard when I really got to cleaning and filled it to the brim! Over a ton and a half when they dragged it away. Embarrassed? Kind of, but as I said something had to give and it was anything that didn't have a direct impact on my wife's care. Heck, even our daughter got to a place where she could come home and ignore the mess I'd created.

I know what you mean when you speak of pain interfering with your everyday needs. I developed serious carpel tunnel in both my hands due to the repetitive lifting I was doing (and still need to have the surgery but am not ready to be a 'patient' myself yet). I took to wearing the same outfit each day and would just wash a small load each night. Then I also took to keeping what I needed out on the counter for our meals. Two pots, two plates, etc. stayed on the counter. No interest in putting them back and forth in a low cupboard! It helped, but now, a year later, I still cannot make myself put things away properly again 🙂 My heating pad was always plugged in and I would alternate between heat on my back and hands and ice on my bad knee. For Christmas our daughter bought me a neat ice pack that I could strap on my knee and keep it on as I walked around, etc. Then could refreeze when it warmed up too much. Weird gift, but one of my all time favorites!

I am sorry to read your husband isn't entitled to any VA benefits. Bummer for sure!

Housing is a bugaboo for sure. A necessity, but also it can be a huge pain in the XXX at times. Answers are few and far between and none seem easy.

I hold you and all my fellow caregivers in the very highest regard! It is a brutal role to fill and one we are never prepared for. No training, no manual, just jump in. I kept an old pillow on the sofa and some nights when I would collapse on sofa exhausted I would punch the living tar out o that pillow -- and have myself a darn good cry. Nothing changed but I did feel better! Then I would say a prayer my dad taught me. Each night he would say "OK God. I did my best today, now please let me sleep. I put my worries in your hands. I need my sleep so I can be strong and try to do my best again tomorrow."

I will close with this -- remember Superman and Superwoman are just comic book characters. None of us are super heroes. We can only do what a human being can do.

Peace & Strength
REPLY
virtuous69 | @virtuous69 | Aug 2, 2017
In reply to @virtuous69 "Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some..." + (show)
@virtuous69

Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some time now but could never find the time. Re- read your posts and I'm absolutely amazed at what you had to go through. I think your wife must have been a remarkable woman. I'm sorry you lost her , I'm hoping you both are persons of Faith so that you have a future in Eternity. I think the thing that makes me sad is as you were talking about all the medical bills yet still piling up and having to be paid off when here we are in our supposedly golden age. It did help me put things in perspective a little bit but today I'm having a pity party because I have a lot to do and after sitting in my car and in the local food bank for 3 hours yesterday, it did a number on my back .I went grocery shopping last night with my husband late and I could barely walk: my hips were really giving me a problem so that I had to come home and sit on ice. Viodin + advil not doing much for me these last days and we are in the middle of yet another Calif heat layer that really fouls up my fibromyalgia and hip bursitis. Today I have a lot to do and at 12:15 pm am laying on heating pad and hoping the Vicodin will kick in soon. Computer chair and long car sits do a number on my posture. Yet another potential day wasted. My husband was in the army during Korea, and at end of boot camp was honorably discharged due to back issues and marital problems at home. His wife at the time was busy running around with another man and sent him a Dear John Letter. So we found that he's not eligible for any veterans benefits. Many agencies that I have called for help are paid for services at discounted rates for seniors. At this point we have no Dinero, and like yourself you mentioned your house and the maintenance Etc had to go by the wayside while you were a caregiver .My mobile home has become trashed and full of clutter so that a housekeeper could not make her way through and there were several opportunities that fell apart to help me. I think the fire marshal would have a field day if he came inside my house so I have learned not to be ashamed that I do the best I can and when I have those few pain-free hours I find I call that a blessing and I work as hard and fast as I can to do what I can but each day actually the mess and the Clutter the dust it said it just gets worse. So trying to work on the corner or some project a little of the time is the best I can do but for some reason it's one step forward and three steps back. your description sounds like you know exactly what that's like. In my prayer life I think I heard God tell me just "go from strength-to-strength; I am with you I'm never going to leave you and just do the best you can when you don't feel well or when you do feel well go from strength to strength with My grace". Why this house has to be be cluttered I think because it's hard for me to bend and it's painful, hard for me to put my clothes away , pots and pans away Etc and I usually can only stand for 15 minutes at a time before the pain Creeps in. My attitude is usually pretty good and I'm not usually feeling sorry for myself except on occasion and today is one of those days. I enjoy reading your reply to other people's posts and about reading ,writing . Have 3 books encouraging u plots I want to publish. unfortunately I can't do any hobbies there's a lot that I would like to do because there is so much to do in the house and in the huge Garden space surrounding all mobile home. And we've been told we must move. this place is far too big for us and yet I don't know where to go or what to do Senior postage -stamp size apts tell us we make too much money.. So I'll Keep On Truckin and looking for your posts and replies to others if any of you other people in the discussion group for depression just feel like you've just had it you can't go on another day I would love to read your posts. You also mentioned that the market situation in your area did not make it possible for you to move. I'm stuck in the exact situation .our housing outstrips our income but for the life of me I do not know how or where to go and my husband does not want to move so I'm hoping for a brainstorm of ideas and that God will just guide me to know what I'm supposed to do. Pity gets me no where God bless you, Indiana Scott

Jump to this post

Dear IndianaScott: I posted a long reply to your last post at about 3am in the morning, and I can;t find that it even got posted. Sad, I had a lot to say and some funny!   Virtuous69 . I am Dori

REPLY
Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Aug 2, 2017
In reply to @virtuous69 "Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some..." + (show)
@virtuous69

Dear Indianascott:. Thank you for your reply. I meant to write back to you for some time now but could never find the time. Re- read your posts and I'm absolutely amazed at what you had to go through. I think your wife must have been a remarkable woman. I'm sorry you lost her , I'm hoping you both are persons of Faith so that you have a future in Eternity. I think the thing that makes me sad is as you were talking about all the medical bills yet still piling up and having to be paid off when here we are in our supposedly golden age. It did help me put things in perspective a little bit but today I'm having a pity party because I have a lot to do and after sitting in my car and in the local food bank for 3 hours yesterday, it did a number on my back .I went grocery shopping last night with my husband late and I could barely walk: my hips were really giving me a problem so that I had to come home and sit on ice. Viodin + advil not doing much for me these last days and we are in the middle of yet another Calif heat layer that really fouls up my fibromyalgia and hip bursitis. Today I have a lot to do and at 12:15 pm am laying on heating pad and hoping the Vicodin will kick in soon. Computer chair and long car sits do a number on my posture. Yet another potential day wasted. My husband was in the army during Korea, and at end of boot camp was honorably discharged due to back issues and marital problems at home. His wife at the time was busy running around with another man and sent him a Dear John Letter. So we found that he's not eligible for any veterans benefits. Many agencies that I have called for help are paid for services at discounted rates for seniors. At this point we have no Dinero, and like yourself you mentioned your house and the maintenance Etc had to go by the wayside while you were a caregiver .My mobile home has become trashed and full of clutter so that a housekeeper could not make her way through and there were several opportunities that fell apart to help me. I think the fire marshal would have a field day if he came inside my house so I have learned not to be ashamed that I do the best I can and when I have those few pain-free hours I find I call that a blessing and I work as hard and fast as I can to do what I can but each day actually the mess and the Clutter the dust it said it just gets worse. So trying to work on the corner or some project a little of the time is the best I can do but for some reason it's one step forward and three steps back. your description sounds like you know exactly what that's like. In my prayer life I think I heard God tell me just "go from strength-to-strength; I am with you I'm never going to leave you and just do the best you can when you don't feel well or when you do feel well go from strength to strength with My grace". Why this house has to be be cluttered I think because it's hard for me to bend and it's painful, hard for me to put my clothes away , pots and pans away Etc and I usually can only stand for 15 minutes at a time before the pain Creeps in. My attitude is usually pretty good and I'm not usually feeling sorry for myself except on occasion and today is one of those days. I enjoy reading your reply to other people's posts and about reading ,writing . Have 3 books encouraging u plots I want to publish. unfortunately I can't do any hobbies there's a lot that I would like to do because there is so much to do in the house and in the huge Garden space surrounding all mobile home. And we've been told we must move. this place is far too big for us and yet I don't know where to go or what to do Senior postage -stamp size apts tell us we make too much money.. So I'll Keep On Truckin and looking for your posts and replies to others if any of you other people in the discussion group for depression just feel like you've just had it you can't go on another day I would love to read your posts. You also mentioned that the market situation in your area did not make it possible for you to move. I'm stuck in the exact situation .our housing outstrips our income but for the life of me I do not know how or where to go and my husband does not want to move so I'm hoping for a brainstorm of ideas and that God will just guide me to know what I'm supposed to do. Pity gets me no where God bless you, Indiana Scott

Jump to this post

What a bummer @virtuous69 I would have enjoyed a laugh today! Maybe it will come back from the netherworld called computers sometime! Who knows? Sometimes I think mine is possessed! By the way I am just Scott --- nice to say hi Dori!

I hope all is going as well as can be expected.

Strength, Courage, & Peace!

REPLY
virtuous69 | @virtuous69 | Aug 2, 2017

@indiana Scott. Hi Scott, I wonder if its because I didn't use The @ symbal. I spent two hours with stylus on smart phone at 3AM-- I'll tell you more about it later. Now, trying to unsubscribe from the MAC/MAI Discussion group. Hundreds of posts clogging my email inbox. Kind posters have sent me directions and I'm having a whale of a time getting to where I'm supposed to click on to unsubscribe. PLEASE WISH ME LUCK. THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN THE DAY, AND I SPEND THEM ALL TRYING TO FIX THINGS, COMPUTER, MOUSE, SMART PHONE, AND DON'T GET ANY HOUSEWORK OF ANY KIND DONE. THINGS THAT ARE BROKEN AROUND THE HOUSE, ETC. TALK TO YOU SOON. DORI

REPLY
1 reply
virtuous69 | @virtuous69 | Aug 2, 2017

BTW, all electronics and older cars are definitely "possessed" I'm sure of it. Been at this computer for nearly two hours, It keeps jumping all around.

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Aug 3, 2017

Well, I once was told it is user error...this is no longer true. There are no perfect machines, nor, are there perfect humans. At least if a horse threw a show I could fix thus...

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Aug 3, 2017

I sense a frustration w/ technology in some comments...The chorus to an old song comes to mind..."Blow up your TV, throw a way the paper, move into the country, build yourself a home. Have a lot of children, raise them on peaches, let them find Jesus on their own".

REPLY
virtuous69 | @virtuous69 | Aug 25, 2017
In reply to @IndianaScott "Hello @virtuous69 Nice to e-meet you here even under your difficult conditions. I am Scott and..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Hello @virtuous69 Nice to e-meet you here even under your difficult conditions. I am Scott and while my wife battled brain cancer for 14+ years I was her primary caregiver. Lost my job for the last five of it and was just caregiving.

It is good to know you are both at least of age to be covered under Medicare! My wife and I were too young for it and that added a whole different level of stress. Caregiving and chronic conditions are taxing for anyone, especially when it involves our loved ones. I am not a medical care professional at all, so I only speak from my personal experiences.

My wife and I had to give up all of our help during her illness as well. It was always a house of cards, where the smallest change or expense would add stress and cause the house to shudder, shake, fall apart a bit, but thankfully we were able to keep going. Maintenance went on full-time delay 🙂 Not only for our house, but also for me. Do you know if your area has any nonprofits that offer hearing aid assistance? That might help. I know from my own hearing loss it can be quite exasperating and frustrating for both sides of a conversation and cause even more feelings of isolation.

I had to totem everything we did based on my wife's needs. For a variety of reasons most of our friends and family departed from our lives and our community is one of mostly second homes so the local support was nonexistent. We worked hard on maintaining just a few, cherished friendships, mostly long distance, as best we could. We ended up with one each, but they were lifesavers to each of us at different times.

Quality, private time is a hard thing to come by when you have a loved one dependent on you, that is for sure. I never figured that one out, except I took to getting up at 2 am so I had a couple of solitary hours to myself before my wife's next medicines, etc. Clearly not a viable option for all, but it worked for me and now I find I am actually a morning person (for the first time in my life) and I like it.

I wish there was a magic button or potion, perhaps a genie in a lamp to help in these situations. Moving can sometimes be an option, but in our case the market for homes in our area was not able to afford us that as an option.

Have you contacted your local Office on Aging? Are you or your husband a veteran? The VA has some good resources too.

Peace & Strength

Jump to this post

IndianaScott would love to hear from you again and others in this depression group. Sometimes I feel like I can barely hang on. Have not read any other posts other than yours Scott. and yours were encouraging and I felt a simpatico especially about the mess my dirty Dusty house full of dust and garbage is what concerns me since I don't have the money to hire anybody to help me .is there anybody else out there that is going through the same thing? I am basically an organized clean person but what's been happening to my back and my health puts me in bed if I even attempt to mop the floor. Anybody out there who can relate to this?. I get lost trying to follow through in the discussion panels.car repairs and high mobile home rent have eaten all money put aside for housekeeping help. Would like to hear from someone please.

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