Love Making After Prostate Cancer

I think I can identify with what you’re going through to some degree. With me when I first had my surgery I was unable to get an erection for about 2 1/2 years. I didn’t attempt to engage in anything sexual because I knew I was not gonna be able to answer the bell. I avoided those close contact situations. I would give her daily and nightly kisses, but that was about it. Mostly it I think originated from the fact that I could not be responsive, like a male is supposed to be. It’s a very emasculating feeling for a man. A lot of us guys wanna dodge that feeling and play like it never existed. What’s your alternative? Time goes by. days turn into months. I’m certainly not any kind of a medically educated individual. I am an individual who had prostate cancer went 2 1/2 years without the ability to respond sexually to my wife. So I guess I’m speaking to you from that guy. I would sit him down I would talk to him. I would tell him how you feel. Be understanding, this is something completely alien from the standpoint of a guy. I know, I’m not even beginning to get over it. Nobody ever seems to want to talk about the incredible depression that goes along with surviving this disease. Nobody. I guarantee you, it’s real to most every man I know that have had prostate cancer. I don’t think I ever will get around this incredible cloud of depression. I’m alive and you two are still alive and together. I never liked a bunch of people telling me how I needed to learn to live with the situation. I was always more take charge. If I were you, my recommendation would be to take charge, explain to him where you’re at where you wanna be. The main thing is he’s alive and you guys are together. So it seems like you could certainly work with that..

I make a lot of music now (a form of love?) with lots of hugs thrown in.

Please remember it might not be him at all but the medications that suck everything out of him. He might also turn away from some of the hugging and kissing because in the past that could lead to typically more and he knows he does not have it in him anymore and that then becomes a reminder to him. Possibly try yourself touching and embracing him in small ways of affection, stroking his arm at the right occasion. I know you say he is very busy, but does he have any hobbies or outside interests that even if you are not crazy about can inquire with him and maybe open up some more opportunities to get closer. I would imagine you would be open to more intimacy from him even if more intimacy from you does not physically do anything to him. That again is where he likely certainly knows he is lacking and again intimacy is a reminder to him. I know even at times early on although i was unable to perform, I felt bad but was still in my eyes and vision I knew what sexy in women was. It was still helpful to hold and caress my wife and letting her know although their was no action on my part it still made me an feel like part of the action. Do you know if he still has an eye for young and sexy well known actresses on tv. Counseling could help if he were interested and believe it or not sexy lingerie never hurts. Have you let him know that touching you intimately matters for your emotional health is needed. Do you ever discuss wanting just some more touchy feely stuff. As you will read on this board their is alot of assistance mechanisms out there today to help with ED which I assume he 100% has unless you know he has flickers of something still going on. The ED medications even in light amounts keep blood flow to the area alive. There are also support groups for wives in your situation that you could join in person or online. I don’t pretend to have all the answers , but it sounds like you have stuck by him already through some tough times and are both still fairly young he having had to face this fairly early and still at in his mind a ripe age. You clearly want to help, and try small touching things.

@struggling2018 - Very sorry that you’re going through this. Doesn’t make it any easier for you, but please know that it’s a common “side effect of the side effects.”

Just a quick question before going any further…you mention he’s on meds, so I’m assuming that means hormone therapy.

Assuming again that your husband has ED, but I’d like to confirm if you know his libido is gone as well? That can change any advice, probably.

Having opted for surgery, I have ED, but my libido is intact (and thriving, it seems), so finding other forms of intimacy hasn’t been too much of an issue, as I still have that interest.

My guess is that the meds have killed his libido, but I wanted to confirm that, please.

I would just like to further add what 71/502 shared it hurts men knowing this. It did me worrying that was what my life was going to be and worried about my life with my wife if that was to become my new status. Please keep trying and let me add that their are alot of wives on here that will respond in much better terms than I and know that you can open up and respond back to them through this platform in private messages that the whole board does not see. Go to their profile photo or face and click on it and it will open up and it will ask if you want to send a private message to that person. I know their will be wives responding that you might want to discuss further with.

Is your husband on ADT? When I was on ADT, I had no sexual interest or desire probably due to low testosterone. My wonderful girlfriend would work hard to arouse me and I could/would respond (with the help of ED meds) because I wanted to please her. I could not climax on ADT, which also probably decreased interest on my part. So, if she did not initiate then nothing sexual would happen. We did kiss, hug and snuggle but nothing more without a lot of effort. You should let your husband know of your needs. If he is not feeling interested, he may think you are not either.

I had prostate removal in 2020. My wife was never much of a sexual person so for 6 months we did not do anything. She then became sick and I was a caretaker for the next 3.5 years. I did not take any medications or need any other treatments for the cancer. I found the desire was still there. My wife passed and only then did I decide to pursue erections. He can wait to long. I found out the longer you go without an erection it can be difficult to revive. I also found that penile length was an issue for me. This would not be for everybody but I also found my testosterone was around 250. I use a daily cream and bump it to 650. Gives me more energy, more desire and my night time erections have come back with the help of 5mg tadalafil . I just met someone. we both are in our 70's . She has some post menopausal issues. I found trimix works. She has been more instrumental in helping me in that she has been able to talk hours about sex and what makes her feel good and what she wants from it. We bought some toys together and tried a few and threw away a few. It has been a huge mental block for me to get over but she helps us both work towards an orgasm that may not fit the movie version of having sex.

@tuckerp

I have been off Lupron for 11 months but still have no libido or erections. I am 84 and have been told that the majority of men never recover their testosterone levels after ADT treatment. Before 44 radiation treatments and 4 months of Lupron my testosterone was only about 250 and now is about 125 after 11 months without treatment. My urologist never told me about these side effects.

Good for you!

The depression mentioned on this thread is real. 65 yr old RARP Oct 25. Recovered nicely, non-detectable thus far and have resumed all normal activities except for one. I do have mild/minor stress incontinence that is basically a leak/dribble under significant physical exertion, but not a big deal. Sex, however... Mind boggling. I get satisfactory erections capable of penetration, but cannot achieve orgasm. Currently prescribed daily use cialis and on demand viagra. They don't seem to have any effect, as erections were never a problem. Then prescribed gabergoline which is supposed to stimulate dopamine receptors in the brain. No effect. We do keep trying. Very frustrating. Sadly, spouse seems to think it's her fault (or she is failing). Literature would suggest it is mental and we just need to get over the hump. So yes, frustrating if not depressing. I keep having to remind myself to focus on other aspects of my life. Best to you and yours, keep up the support!