Love Making After Prostate Cancer

@jime51 My wife says it's as though our specialists think we don't care about sex any more after treatment. I'm taking daily Cialis 5 mg and a seminar suggested adding occasional full dose Viagra, which I mentioned to my urologist. He replied, "oh, that's common" and sent a Rx (p.s. much cheaper on Mark Cuban's Cost Plus online pharmacy than locally) but he had never initiated the conversation. It seems like progress with specialists can be an ongoing struggle, but I don't plan to stop. I told my wife I'd warn her before taking a pill, since it's been eighteen months of "drought" during treatment. 🙂

To: "struggling2018"
Think about what "he" is feeling...it reflects what I feel, and likely the vast, vast majority of men in our forced, post-prostatectomy life: Our physicians lied to us. They told us that we can expect to have our erections resume between 3 - 6 months post surgery because (s)he, the urologist, "preserved the neurovascular bundles" that surround the prostate, and enable erections and some control of urinary function. Then at 6 months, and no erections, despite taking Cialis everyday for this six months, the urologist lies again and says "it might take you 6 - 9 months, occasionally up to a year." All this time your husband awoke every day hoping that he would finally get an erection "today." It didn't happen. At the end of the first year, his urologist lies AGAIN, and finally says: "it can take some men up to two years to restore the ability to have erections and penetrating sex." It doesn't happen. And...ALL during this same time, your husband was VERY AWARE that he defined his role and manhood in your relationship, by his ability to have sex with you. Now he can't. His self esteem and identity as a "man" have been destroyed by his inability to satisfy you. He has withdrawn from you because he is depressed and sad for failing you. Not only can't he perform sexually anymore for his own pleasure, he KNOWS he is disappointing you...again, FAILING you. There is nothing more depressing to a man than to know he can no longer enjoy the intimacy and the fun of sex with the woman he loves. It kills his soul. He is angry for having been lied to by his urologist OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He'd like to strangle his urologist, but doesn't want to end his days as a convicted felon criminal in prison. But the prison he lives in every single day, might as well be in a jail block cell.
I am now 14-months post-prostatectomy. Even at age 69 I was as virile, "capable", and "at the ready" as I was when I was 35 years old. Sex at my age was no problem at all. But...I have not had so much as a twitch "down there" since my surgery. And every time I go for my 3-month - now 6-month - follow-up, my urologist gives me his next optimistic lie about when I will resume getting erections.
What hits hard for me as well, is that my divorce was finalized one month before my surgery. The divorce took 15 months, and I was looking forward to meeting a new woman with whom I could finish out my life, and perhaps enjoy some "active" dating before that. "NOPE". I refuse to attempt to start dating until I know that when the time comes, I can satisfy my new girlfriend, without sticking a needle in my penis for a Trimix injection. I am frankly stunned that Cialis has not done ANYTHING. I have an appointment next week - my 15-month post-op follow-up. I will likely suggest stopping the Cialis since it does not work. The thing that REALLY angers me, is that none of us can verify that our urologist "really" preserved our neurovascular bundles. There is no way to prove or disprove it. He documented it in his surgical report, but he might have been covering his rear end.
So, long story short (sorry)...try to understand "where" your husband is emotionally. If you have/had a good relationship, go to him in a very close and private way, and tell him you love him, and tell him that you are both in this together, and that you want to listen to anything and everything he is feeling and thinking, because you love him and want him to know that he can share anything with you, AND that your love for him is not defined by whether he can please you sexually.
One thing you CAN do for him, even though you will not enjoy penetrating sex, is to manually or orally stimulate his frenulum...the slightly raised, nerve center on the underside of his penis. I am still able to achieve intense orgasms by doing this form of stimulation, even with a completely flaccid penis. It will encourage him to know he can still enjoy orgasmic pleasure. I suggest that he urinate before this in case he experiences "Climaturia" which is the uncontrolled release of urine when he climaxes. It may not happen, but it happened enough with me, that I decided to make sure that I urinated before I stimulated myself. And..
Perhaps you can both employ "toys" and other forms of sex to see you pleasured as well. Maybe you can have him watch while you pleasure yourself...it might be very erotic for him. If you use a "toy" device, maybe "he" can use the device on you as you lay back and enjoy it. Maybe you can both go online together and look at the devices that are available, have a little fun looking, and choosing one together that he would like to try on you. So...
There are solutions available, but it starts with drawing him out and having him completely understand that you are there for him. The rest will follow in due time shortly thereafter.