Do most people really want to know how you're Really doing?

I'm happy if the doctor seems fully concerned, but he's getting paid for it.
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As we age there are more and more of our friends and relatives who have medical situations they're going through ... and as we go through our own. I have two old friends right now going through it, and one friend's wife too. I'm on this group because I'm curious about his PC, as he was exhibiting side effects of the treatments. We seem to have a balanced view of what he cares to share and what I can stand to know. The other and his wife are both going through other kinds of cancers, actually, and as far as imminent danger and detailed treatments, have far more to say. If they published ten-page summaries daily I might read them, but y'know, there's nothing I could really do about any of it.

All three seem to be handling their situations very bravely, and I hope if and when I'm in similar shoes I can do as well.

So I just try to be supporting, and if they want to talk about it I hope I can be a friendly ear.

@fritzo

For sure Fritzo! I tend not to tell younger folks as it just scares the hell out of them more than anything else. And like you say, if it's family I will. But I always ALWAYS try to spread the positive side of things.

I think the read on it can go a lot of different ways, to pigeonhole it into a single way is ignoring the many different types of personalities.

• Perfunctory response. They say it because it's expected, in their mind, to inquire as to your well being. The answer is often inconsequential or at least they may not want to know the truth.
• Unsure what to say. I think a lot of people are genuinely interested in your well being but just don't know how to ask if you are nearing death using any other language than this.
• Awkward conversation. People who are not normally good at idle conversation might use this as an opener because no matter what you answer leads to a conversation. I think they are genuine in their inquiry.
• I'm your bestest friend of all your friends. These folks seem to hammer you incessantly with the question because they want to be the first to be "in the know" and "by your side" before anyone else. I know a handful of people like this. I'm unsure if they care more about you or being top of the heap.

People are people. Funny thing is that, now 18 months post RARP, I rarely get asked it any longer. It's like they feel if you don't show any visible signs, haven't brought it up yourself or enough time as passed then you are fine, all done.

Truth is that I generally don't want to discuss it with anyone who wasn't part of it from the beginning. If I run into an old friend, I'm not leading with that - and, in fact, I don't mention it at all. "How have you been, I haven't seen you in two years", to which I reply "Ups and downs like everyone, how about you?".

This is my second cancer in 15 years, I feel this summarizes it accurately in both cases so I feel like it might just be how people are - one of those four types.

@turtbean I agree. I don't think anyone should feel pressured to share, but if you feel strong enough to share, you're making it easier for the next person. If enough of us share, some day there will be no stigma around this stuff it all (it will become "normalised", as the sociologists say).

As long as our disease and its symptoms are hidden in the shadows, we're signalling to the world that they're somehow shameful.

@chippydoo My post had nothing to do with happenings between my wife and me. It had every thing to do with people around me having knowledge of what I was going through, When a friend developed Parkinson's, I looked it up and asked him questions about it. He appreciated my interest in his situation. He had someone to "vent" his feelings to. That's what my point was supposed to be, friends take an interest either through their own research or asking questions. The two friends in my original post did neither,

@northoftheborder Nothing shaming about having cancer. Even reproductive cancer. Interesting how talking about something that is uncomfortable can lead to shame reduction for either party.

@grandmira That's it in a nutshell. A word of kindness can make a world of difference. Everyone carries burdens. We all just need more kindness in this world.

@northoftheborder What an important message....also a sign that the initial crisis mode moved into something ore sustainable. So glad you had the support....but yeah, fatigue for caregivers is a very real thing.

@jim18 You know...that is so true. I don't think that would have happened to me...but I also think I'd be written off.

Yeah, our HR manager is the biggest talker in the office....I've heard her tell me things that I shouldn't know. So, I definitely made sure that the only thing they knew was that I was having abdominal surgery and nothing more. As it turns out, the HR manager has had multiple robotic laprascopic surgeries...so she was actually nice...but I still didn't share beyond that.

@thig350 That is totally it....with prostate cancer...things get weird fast for a lot of people.

As a culture, we need to change that so that it is as understood as breast cancer. But, us guys likely don't talk enough about it.