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Do most people really want to know how you're Really doing?
OK, I'm doing it again. Thought Hans brought up some good points about how most people who know you have cancer actually don't really want to know how you're doing...they want the heroic answer that makes them feel better.
He has some retorts to the question that probably do trigger people. It reminds me of my son-in-law, who when people asked how he was doing, would say with great intensely, "Great!" The catch was that you didn't know if he meant great in a positive way or meant it sarcastically. It would definitely would stop you for a second.
Anyway....another link to Hans column and a graph from it....
“The truth, I have come to believe, is that much of illness in modern society is performative. We have collectively agreed that sick people should remain inspirational because actual suffering makes everybody terribly uncomfortable. Nobody wants honest illness. People claim they admire bravery, but what they really admire is tidy suffering, suffering that smiles politely, expresses gratitude, posts optimistic updates on social media, and generally avoids introducing unpleasant realism into brunch conversations.”
The Curious Performance of Being Fine
https://open.substack.com/pub/nutmegphantasy/p/the-curious-performance-of-being-dbf
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True, but really unrelated to cancer. It would be the same for any illness or interruption in your life such as losing a job, getting divorced, losing a member of your family, having a weather event that damaged your residence, or even an auto accident. Answer is the same for all. I am doing great. Thanks for asking.
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7 Reactionswell mostly true. but then if you won the lottery, most people wouldnt be happy for you. I sus pect many folks, deep inside, enjoy see others doing less well than they are. It validates them
So they know you are sick and struggling, but how you are really doing?? dont want to hear about sadness, pain suffering, divorce, bankruptcy..other than to note it and perhaps have a silent gloat. " well that M..f...is getting what he deserves' ..particularly if you were doing a bit bette rthan they were before illness attacked you.
what really gets them is you are still doing better than they are in spite of cancer or whatever ! its no secret we humans can be cruel..it just surprises us when they are mean and cruel to us personally..why ? how could they ???..well because they can & it makes them feel good somehow.
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5 ReactionsSo Fritzo,
Seriously how are you doing?
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3 ReactionsGreat! No, really, great. 🙂
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3 Reactions@xahnegrey40 I've found that there are amazing people in this world who actually care....and then a whole lot of folks who are cruel, as you say.
I've learned to just focus on the kind people and ignore the rest. Life is too short to give them any emotional power over me.
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2 ReactionsI think most acquaintances are genuinely sad that you have cancer, and would be happy to do something to help (like drive you to an appointment or cook a meal for your freezer). Their lives can't be seriously affected for long every time something bad happens to someone they know, though, or they'd never have a chance to live their own lives.
Perhaps being in this situation makes us reexamine our own behaviour towards others in the past. And maybe we learn something about it, but maybe we end up being a bit too hard on our former selves and on others in the present.
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7 ReactionsMy biggest surprise/disappointment was that close friends didn't do any research on their own into my dilemma. A few weeks after my RALP a close friend's wife noticed my wife having a second cocktail at a party. She suggested I would get lucky that night. She was completely serious and she knew I had my prostate removed just two months earlier. During a conversation with a different close friend two years later, I told him about the failure of the nerve sparing aspect of my surgery and the impotence it left me with. He had no idea that was even a possibility. I assumed my close friends would educate themselves on my cancer back when it was discovered. I was wrong.
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1 ReactionMy pat answer, while showing surprise verging on alarm, is always the same:
“WHY??! What did you hear?!”
That usually does it…
Phil
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2 Reactions@wheel1 🤣🤣🤣
Generally, the closer they are to you, the more they genuinely want to know.
I just came from a family gathering yesterday, filled with people I’m very close to, acquaintances, and family I don’t even know. Some know I have PCa and are familiar with my specifics (mainly, my siblings and their partners), some know I have PCa, but that’s about it, and some have no idea.
The first group, they sincerely want to know, and ask actual questions about my incontinence, my upcoming appointments, and all that.
The second group, it’s more like asking about the weather:
“How’re you doin’? Really?”
“Not bad, I’m makin’ it. I’m gettin’ there. Ever’ day is better’un the last un .”
“That’s good. Good for you! Oh, there’s Becky, I gotta go ask how her mama is doin’ since she fell. It was good gettin’ caught up!”
The third group doesn’t know, so they don’t care one way or the other.
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5 Reactions