Vanishing Friends

I also find @gratia that people don't want to be around what they view as "a debbie downer" - where their friend or family member is experiencing grief, loss, anxiety, fear, all the things that come from any stage of a life altering disease and associated caregiving. I told my husband this morning, that even with our kids, it's important that we maintain, an upbeat, "everything is good" attitude so they do call us and/or come visit - which doesn't happen much. So things aren't so heavy, even when they are at times. It's unfortunate but with so many "crazy" things going on in the world, people just want happy. And as caregivers, it's hard sometimes to find the joy or "happy" in what we're doing daily for our loved ones. So today, I am sending happy vibes to our Mayo connect community. God bless you, Best, Karla

You’re so right! I just don’t have the energy to give anymore so it’s probably best I keep to myself- I don’t want to bring others down and it puts them in an uncomfortable position.

Sending positive energy and care to you and everyone going thru this challenging experience.
🤗✨

A somewhat Stoic take on this is to realize we come in alone and go out alone. Friends are circumstantial (neighbors, work common interests) .They come and go. Even relatives. They advance in their careers and they're gone. You advance in yours? You're gone or they are gone.
Even with a wholly devoted life partner or spouse, only you are inside your own head. They'd have to be you to completely know you. We die, or they die, and we default to our prime state, alone, which we always were despite the connections, love, and caring.
What does all this mean? Cherish them while you got 'em, cause it ain't gonna last forever.

I just wrote about this. Yes, I am drowning In loneliness. My husband won’t wear his hearing aids, much. And, his dementia is getting worse. No real conversations. I can’t go anywhere and leave him, except briefly to the store. No friends anymore. They are all tied up with their families. I have no children. Sometimes I just feel so lost, I don’t know what to do. I am getting older, 79. What in the world will become of me ?

@dederickve
Virtual hugs and support to you.
Before I retired from a family support position, I was in a training session regarding support. It explained different levels of support: primary, secondary and tertiary.
Primary supporters are folks you'd feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night if there's an emergency, they are there for you no matter the circumstances. They are unconditional emotional support with deep connection.
Secondary supporters still have your back, but you would not call just anytime. These would be family/friends, folks who could help if primary support is unavailable (maybe a neighbor, church member or extended family).
Tertiary support may be a social worker, a doctor, a seniors and aging council staff member, professional folks who are typically paid and can offer resources and info.
If you don't have a primary support system it's recommended you 'push' the secondary group members to become primary supporters.
Anyway, it's probably time you build a support system so you don't collapse with this heavy burden. You just can't do it alone.
Good luck and all the best to you. 🌺

@kjc48 I’m sending happy vibes back.

@judimahoney I love this - you always give such sage advice. Primary, secondary and teritiary. Now I have to figure that game plan out....Best, Karla (Happy Monday)

@grandmajoan Ditto to you, this sunny, happy Monday. I'm looking at the kids on the kayaks out back, and regardless of what we go through later in life, to see children happy, thriving where they look like they have no cares other than paddling away, makes me feel good this morning. Best, Karla

@dederickve I am in the same situation. My husband doesn't wear his hearing aids any more but not because he doesn't want to. It doesn't make any difference if he does or doesn't because the problem is not whether he can hear me, it is that his brain doesn't always process the sounds into something he can understand. I haven't had a real conversation with him in years. Now I just ask him simple questions to know how he is feeling or what he wants. I can't leave him alone either and have to have a sitter if I want to leave the house. I have turned to emailing my friends to share what is going on with me. This website helps me share as well. That is the best way for me to communicate these days. They will respond when they have they have time as you say they have their own families and lives to live. I do a lot of reading to occupy my mind and maybe learn something. Some books are educational regarding dementia caregiving. Like "The 36 hour Day" or "Loving Someone Living With Dementia" or most recently, Emma Willis' "Unexpected Journey". I also read fiction that takes me away to faraway lands with interesting characters. I try to watch interesting documentaries on PBS and National Geographic to learn about the world. I also remind myself that this dementia caregiving will not last forever. At some point it will be over and what would I like to be able to do? In the meantime, I will keep posting here because you all understand what it is like to be in this situation and that is really helpful to know I am not alone in this.

This is a common phenomenon, with several root causes. If you can find someone to stay with the person you give care to, set up dates with your best friends. Excited that you understand how they feel but that you really appreciate their friendship.
Try to find a therapist or someone to whom you can talk about the caregiving and diseases stuff. But also try to talk with other friends about other things. It will test your minds to not think about the caregiving for awhile.
The less intimate friends will likely fall by the wayside as you don’t have energy to maintain those relationships.
If friends are around the person with dementia, and seem unsure of how to react or behave, just tell them what to do or say.
It isn’t just you. Sadly, all of us go through this to one degree or another.
Keep talking to us on here. 😊🌻