My wife is furious at me 3 weeks post RARP

Also, one person mentioned so-called "lesbian sex" (presumably manual/oral simulation and/or digital penetration). Most lesbian couples I know are pretty happy, so you know, maybe they're onto something. 🤷

As others have mentioned, there's a whole world of physical intimacy beyond "place tab P into slot V."

(I'd make a joke about moving beyond the Victorians, but it turns out they were actually quite kinky when you look closer at the historical record.)

Sorry to hear that hopefully she comes around. May your junk make a speedy recovery so that the poking can start. I refused surgery i had radiation done so i'm just waiting to see how all this works itself out.

@northoftheborder

Ha ha, I wanted to comment also and say that only about 20 % of women achieve orgasm through penetration alone lol, so of all this hoopla about erections here has nothing much to do with woman's actual enjoyment and needs. As you said, intimacy is something much more that.

Get rid of the selfish $&$$$&

I must say this makes difficult reading and i feel although it is tough for a spouse, I believe you must accept the situation whilst finding ways to continue in a loving relationship.
My husband has Stage 4 prostate cancer and we have accepted our love life is over in its previous form, but it doesn't change love. Send her off to a sex shop, that will help.

I thought this was a follow-up to a story I read about 4-6 months ago, about the exact same thing. It is sad to read of yet another situation like this. I'll offer a couple of thoughts from a couple different directions with appropriate questions:
1. When you were told you needed to have the prostatectomy, was she with you, and/or did you discuss the realities of your likely post-prostatectomy ("post-RP") life, so she could express her feelings and thoughts? That is all hindsight now, but because it does involve her, she might have felt better when the decision to have the surgery was made. You could have explored alternative methods for sexual gratification even before the surgery.
2. She is likely scared. So many situations in life that involve others, see their concern expressed not with sympathy and consideration for you, but with absolute anger. In this case, your cancer is a big wake-up call that you are in fact "mortal", and that she may "lose you", before you lose her someday. That scares her...she loves you, although it may not seem that way at the moment. You could even explain it to her at the right time when you can talk: "Honey, when couples go through this, often with a woman faced with breast, ovarian, or uterine cancer, the other spouse is afraid...it is the reality that you are now faced with a disease that may take one away from the other. I understand your anger, and correct me if I'm wrong, but is it possible your anger is coming from fear of possibly losing me vs just not enjoying the sex life that we used to?" That will hopefully open up a dialog where you can talk calmly and respectfully with her.
3. Is her father and/or grandfather still alive? Did either or any other close male relative on her side of her family have prostate or other cancer? In other words, was your diagnosis and your surgery a "trigger" for her that brought back all of her pain and sadness of that male relative having whatever cancer they had, that eventually killed him..."took them from her?" Again, that is fear...great fear.
4. And finally, if the timing is right to offer this, take time...quiet time...and pose to her in a very soft and calm voice with appropriate pauses and cadence: "If you were in my situation, and had ovarian, breast, or uterine cancer, how would you want me to best support you?" I repeat: "...how would you want me to best support you?" NOT: "what would you want me to do?" and NOT "what would you expect me to do?" Those are not caring enough in tone or meaning, but "...how would you want me to best support you" will go very far with her, in gaining understanding. She may or may not answer or need to...the "lightbulb" will go on rather quickly, that she would want you to be supportive, caring, loving, and all things "positive" as she went through it. That should easily make her realize, that she needs to be those same things to/for YOU in your unexpected journey. At the end of such a question posed to her, you could say: "I need your unwavering support, caring, loving, and all things "positive", as I start this very scary journey....you are my rock...my best friend....I can't do this without you."
Hopefully, any and all of that might get you and her to a place where she can offer that support to you.
I think she could get there without feeling like she was made to feel "wrong" about her feelings. If so, you could validate her feelings, saying that you completely understand them, and that you are glad that she expressed them, rather than keep them in. And you could gently say "Don't ever feel like you need to apologize for what you are feeling...I am glad you shared it, and now that we've talked, I think I'll see that loving support come through to me. Maybe you could even have her read this reply/post, but I think talking first is better/best. I wouldn't say "A guy on the Mayo blog said the following..." Before you had a chance to express everything else that I wrote above, you might quickly shut her down: She would very likely say: "You shared OUR PRIVATE ISSUE in a public forum?!?!?!?! Then you'd be in more trouble. Make it your own...your own words at the right moment, that hopefully captures most/all of what I offer above, but in the way you choose to share it. Be sensitive to your word choices...think about how you will say what you want to say.
Good Luck...follow-up with us.

Of the 3 kinds of marriages, hetero, 2 men and lesbian, lesbians have the highest divorce rate.

@rleech

Agreed 100 %

I have no idea where "in sickness and in heaths" part got missing in all of this psychobabel and how affirmation of "personal peruse of happiness" with complete disregard of partner's situation and feelings became OK ?

If one's own sex-life is the ONLY thing that matters in a relationship than why marry at all ? Stay single and peruse your interests and aspirations and think only about your feelings and needs, that is completely OK. What is NOT OK is to promise love and support and forever partnership and that get abusive in a moment when partner is the most vulnerable and helpless and needs your help the most.

We are entitled to have feelings but we have no right to be abusive and hurtful under any circumstance, no matter what we feel , or think , or need - period. And, if we truly love another than we love that person for 100s of small and big reasons , and we do not just walk away when ONE reason becomes missing ??? Just ridiculous to even try to justify that. I wonder how many people know what true love and partnership is ... *sigh

Good response!!!

Yes for better or for worse. What if it was the wife who had some form of cancer?