Estranged Adult Child

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I have had periods of time when I was estranged from members of my family, some lasting for years, and some of those relationships have healed and some of them haven’t.
It really hurts to be called names, especially by someone so close to you.
Give your daughter some space and time to heal. Don’t take the name calling to heart. That’s always more of a reflection on the caller than the person who it is directed towards.
When my brother was murdered, all kinds of crazy things went on in my family, for years. It took a long time for people to realize that the only people who were responsible were the people who were directly involved.
I’m so sorry for ALL of your losses. My deepest sympathies for you and your family.

@meryw thank you so much. I spent hours diagnosing to see if I truly am a narcissist and though the family structure is there, my treatment of my teen girls was dictated according to their own persona and personality not this one is the "golden child." The losses just seem endless: two wives, my parents, my son and six months prior my home to a huricane. The "Why me's?" play nonstop in my head but really, "Why anyone," should ever endure so much cumulative loss? I'm struggling with my fiancée who has breast cancer and congestive heart failure. I'm scared to colon evacuation. I'm such a calm person but I need to go into the wilderness and just scream. That's why I'm here.

I have been estranged from my oldest daughter maybe for 10 years. Actually probably more. I've lost track. It does get easier with time. I held out hope for a long time that things would soften. She was always a difficult child, headstrong....which I actually saw as an asset. I had a difficult divorce when she was 8. She was also not her father's favorite bc she was so headstrong. They both wanted control. I needed to have boundaries. She ended up moving out of state when she was in her early 20's. I did get some cards from her asking for recipes or such. I thought there might be a thaw. I would send her cards or gifts. I know she made life difficult for herself. When I saw no thaw was happening, I just had to put it out of my mind. Yes, so much easier said than done. I honestly feel she backed herself into a corner and is either stubborn enough or just can't figure out how to get out of it. Her younger sister whom I am very close to hasn't heard from her in about 5 years. People often don't talk about their estrangement from their adult kids but I do believe it is more common than we know. If you haven't done therapy, I highly suggest it. I didn't do it over the estrangement but did fairly extensive therapy when I was divorcing. It was one of the best things I've done for myself.

@edh1
I strongly encourage going into the wilderness and screaming! Or just take a drive and play loud music and scream along!

My daughter simply didn't like me. I could never understand it. She would constantly make mean comments to me. One day her husband and I were driving to take my granddaughter to her college. On the way home, I mentioned to her husband that I knew my daughter didn't like me but that I was proud of her.. He must have told her, because suddenly she was kind to me and even took me along on a family vacation to Mexico. It was such a simple thing; I didn't know could make such a difference.

My condolences upon the loss of your son. I hope the rest of your family was able to support you, even though the one daughter wasn’t present for the service.

Most families that I know have one or more estrangements for varying reasons. It’s really shocking. Family dynamics can be quite complex. I think therapy helped me see things in new ways, especially relationships with family members.

Step relations can be complex and difficult…in our family, all sides really tried to make things work, but then they broke off…letting it be, maybe we will reconcile or not…meanwhile a lot less tension for all.. we can’t fix everything and need not place blame especially on ourselves for that…. Wishing all who experience this to have be best outcomes, whatever that may be.

@crabby55 I am getting general therapy but it not enough but it does help. Thank you. I hope our daughters heal and heal our relationships with them; life is too short.