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Dying Well
Dying well is (hopefully) the last part of our efforts to age well.
As part of our life planning, we need to think about what dying well means for each of us.
And it is not easy to distinguish clearly between reasonably hopeful planning for our dying days and what is just “hoping for the best” while avoiding real preparation.
We need to recognize that at some point dying becomes something we cannot bargain with. It will eventually happen on its own terms.
It is reasonable to think about what we hope for, but then we need to ask “What can I do to increase my chances of dying as I hope?” and “What should I do to prepare for the possibility that things may not go as I hope?”
For those of us who are planning and making life/home adjustments to age in place, do we also hope to die in place? Do we also have plans if it turns out that dying in place is not possible? What are these plans?
I’ll share some personal things later, but will stop here for open ended responses.
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@grammato3
Thanks for the info about who to call. Someone else could surely benefit from the info. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law passed away around 2008. Another issue was that the daughter that was supposed to be taking care of her. But she never fixed the ill-fitting partial teeth that were extremely difficult to daily remove from her mouth. In the end, when she was in the Nursing Home, someone broke her jaw taking them out. Her medical plan did nothing but wrap gauze around her head. Within a day or so, her jaw fell out of place again. To make a long story short, that is when the family withdrew food and water. By the time my husband and I found out about it, the damage was already done. I don't know the proper terminology for what happened to her jaw, but it was because of the "partial" and you get the idea.
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2 Reactions@grammato3 As a person with a terminal diagnosis (I have ALS), I do not know how long I have to live, but I do know that my life expectancy is short. If I can offer any advice, it is not to leave a mess for your children/executor to have to deal with when you are gone. I have seen a lawyer, and put together a Will, an Advanced Care Directive (these documents may have different names in different parts of the world), an Enduring Power of Attorney and a Medical Decision Maker appointment. I also intend to apply for VAD (what here is Australia is called Voluntary Assisted Death and is legal in all States) if and when the going gets too tough. It is now, while you are of sound mind and still have energy, that all of us should think of the future we are asking our descendants to work through, and make our decisions and choices legally binding so there is no ambiguity. Some people may think of this as morbid, but it makes a difference if you know you can leave this world in peace, and the next generation will take up their roles smoothly and peacefully. Please do this for your youngsters, family and friends. @terryellwood
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18 Reactions@ellu: You bring up some very good and important points. In fact, they tie in with an article in today’s NY Times, unfortunately I’ve used up my ten free gift articles to share for the month (I’ll try to post it here next week) entitled Making Plans for Your Aging Loved Ones. It’s a shame such planning is regarded as morbid by some as mortality is a fact of the cycle, not to be viewed as a bad omen if discussed. Planning clear end of life wishes tremendous practical value that can actually assist the grieving process of loved ones and avoid conflict when inevitable death does occur.
I imagine having taken these steps has given you peace of mind as you deal with your health challenges.
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7 Reactions@grammato3 Looking forward to your NY Times post.
I googled "Making Plans For Your Aging Loved One" and found some good information and worksheets etc.
Barbara
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5 ReactionsOne of my friends in good health, not yet 70, started a folder a number of years ago with plans for her funeral. It first started because she didn't think her family would be able to do it so she wanted to make it easier for them as well as have things the way she wanted, then went to making sure only pictures she approved of would be used. It's a topic we'll bring up occasionally as to what is she including in her latest plans.
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8 ReactionsI so agree we must think of our families as wc deal with our own journey. Please, please don't leave a mess for your children or whomever will be dealing with your affairs. It almost broke me, did cause enormous stress and emotional upheaval for me to deal with my mother's home after she moved into an assisted living facility. No siblings helped. Just me going through stacks, drawers and files of papers from decades... clearing her closets and the thousands of decisions with every piece I touched. I lost a month of my life in deep distress, my business suffered, I never fully recovered. And, it deeply harmed my relationships with my family.family.Permanently. Don't rain down that pain on folks you love!
I promised myself I would clear every drawer and every closet before my death, if I have warning... my son is my only child, no husband now and he's 100% disabled.
I had an estate sale last year. Sold many precious things after checking what he wanted. I gave him some things then to enjoy while I'm alive! Felt wonderful! It was hard on him to see things go and to face realities of my mortality. But, that's a good thing.
Then, renovated my condo to accommodate my current aging needs... made my upstairs into my living area with the small bedroom a little kitchen and my master bath now a walkin showe with grab bars and a seat! Set up a recliner, files and such in a bedroom closet so I live upstairs! Love it!
Greatest gift ofvlove we can give our families! Feels wonderful! And all the legal stuff is done!
Blessings as you walk this path of life... Elizabeth
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21 Reactions@ess77 I understand all you said and am trying to get to the clearing out for the sake of my sister who is thousands of miles away.
I also understand how it seems one family member, many times, is the one doing.
I had four siblings all living in the state and area near my parents, where we grew up.
I moved thousands miles away and did what you described, and more, with the needs of your Mother...It started with my single Aunt's passing, then Dad, then Mom and then my two single brothers.
It too often falls on one person for various reasons.
The stress of it all has a way of taking a toll on our health.
You did really well for yourself in preparation for yourself down the line.
Hope I can get around to doing it also and finalizing all necessary paperwork that now needs to be tweaked.
Barbara
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3 Reactions@ess77 There is actually a practice about this which was written about in a book, then made into a series. The book is called The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter by Margareta Magnusson
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3 ReactionsThere's a discussion in Aging Well, a little while back:
"Letting go of possessions before planning to downsize," based on the Death Cleaning book.
@edsutton: You're correct? Here's the link https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/letting-go-of-possessions-before-planning-to-downsize/