I survived suicide attempts

I don't believe I currently engage in what would be considered self-harm or self-destruction in the conventional sense. Scissors aren't the most dangerous tool for me now, because I've attempted suicide before and I no longer dare to do so. There isn't a single knife in my home; at most, there are scissors. Unless I'm in a state of complete loss of control, I might use blunt scissors to repeatedly scrape my arms. It won't draw blood, nor will I lose control; it just causes pain, sharp pain, which brings me back to my senses. I earnestly believe my most severe issue is that I now steer every action towards its worst possible outcome. For instance, when a friend messages me, I know how to reply normally and how to reply in a way that would make them uncomfortable. Yet I deliberately choose the uncomfortable response, or simply end the conversation. Similarly, when faced with several possible actions, I'll deliberately pick the one that risks making things worse.

A few months ago, for the first time in my life, I had a PTSD flashback: I was a child again being beated by my father. Finally my mother spoke up, "Stop before you kill her." The beatings were frequent and from what I have learned about child abuse, they were a product of my father's inability to deal with his life, and not with anything that I, as a 3 or 5 or 7 year old had done. I have no memory of anything that I did that brought on the beatings, which occurred every few months. Nothing a child can do warrants a beating that leaves the marks on their body from the horse or cow halter chin strap used in the beating. I could see where each blow hit me and where each hole in the strap (to buckle it) had been. The marks lasted several days. These beatings left me with a life-long inability to even mildly disagree with any man, which has been severely crippling. The PTSD flashback produced emotional pain so deep that suicide appeared to be the only way out, which lasted me about four days during which I cried most of the time. One thing it left me with was an understanding of suicide. When a person reaches such an overwhelmingly deep emotional pain that they choose suicide, I can understand their choice.
When I was about 10 or so, my brother, 3 years older, and I burned the halter chin strap in the burn barrel that our dad had used for our beatings. Shortly thereafter, my dad made a quirt: he took a dowel about 3/4 inch diameter and a foot long, put a groove down it, and laid into the groove two leather thongs that were about 18 inches longer than the dowel, and wound black tape around the entire wooden handle holding the thongs into the groove. He put a loop handle on the other end of the dowel. It was hung on the same nail in the woodshed (which was where we parked the car after we quit heating and cooking with wood) where the halter chin strap had hung. To me his actions now seems sadistic; how my mother could have tolerated such behavior I don't know.
I have found it very difficult to get treatment for PTSD. This has given me a much greater understanding of individuals who do have PTSD episodes and the emotional pain they can produce.

A few months ago, for the first time in my life, I had a PTSD flashback: I was a child again being beated by my father. Finally my mother spoke up, "Stop before you kill her." The beatings were frequent and from what I have learned about child abuse, they were a product of my father's inability to deal with his life, and not with anything that I, as a 3 or 5 or 7 year old had done. I have no memory of anything that I did that brought on the beatings, which occurred every few months. Nothing a child can do warrants a beating that leaves the marks on their body from the horse or cow halter chin strap used in the beating. I could see where each blow hit me and where each hole in the strap (to buckle it) had been. The marks lasted several days. These beatings left me with a life-long inability to even mildly disagree with any man, which has been severely crippling. The PTSD flashback produced emotional pain so deep that suicide appeared to be the only way out, which lasted me about four days during which I cried most of the time. One thing it left me with was an understanding of suicide. When a person reaches such an overwhelmingly deep emotional pain that they choose suicide, I can understand their choice.
When I was about 10 or so, my brother, 3 years older, and I burned the halter chin strap in the burn barrel that our dad had used for our beatings. Shortly thereafter, my dad made a quirt: he took a dowel about 3/4 inch diameter and a foot long, put a groove down it, and laid into the groove two leather thongs that were about 18 inches longer than the dowel, and wound black tape around the entire wooden handle holding the thongs into the groove. He put a loop handle on the other end of the dowel. It was hung on the same nail in the woodshed (which was where we parked the car after we quit heating and cooking with wood) where the halter chin strap had hung. To me his actions now seems sadistic; how my mother could have tolerated such behavior I don't know.
I have found it very difficult to get treatment for PTSD. This has given me a much greater understanding of individuals who do have PTSD episodes and the emotional pain they can produce.

@joanland I sincerely hope that putting your experiences down in words helped you navigate the flashback and accompanying feelings? Kudos to you for the bravery that took to share with us!

Where have you looked for PTSD treatment, and are you continuing to look for help?
Ginger

@gingerw
I'm on the waiting list to enter treatment with a psychologist who is a certified NMDR therapist. My name would reach the top of the list in April or May, and now we're in April. Another organization, which does take Medicare, requires that each prospective patient be referred by an MD in their clinic. I've never used that clinic, but I've requested an appt w a NP at their clinic, but the first available appt is in late April. So I'll be entering treatment, one way or another, by early May, I hope.

Good afternoon @jimhd , @lisalucier, et al.
I am still doing ketamine infusions every 8 weeks and TMS last fall to supplement it. While I am not sure the TMS helped with the depression, it did wonders for the migraines I have had for years. I did ECT a decade ago and it made things worse for me. I think I will go through another round of TMS soon to see if that will help this time around. I will say the ketamine infusions have been life altering for me. The last six years have been much better than I thought they ever could be.

The last two weeks have been bad and my wife has been amazing. I really don't deserve the wonderful person that she is. I think it is mainly stress and worry that have triggered this round of problems. I have been suicidal for the past two weeks but haven't acted on it since I have four people in my life that it would be devistated (mother, two daughters, and wife). Maybe we can't understand each other's pain I can at least say I sympathize with you and why you feel that it would have been better if you had died. I won't commit suicide but I often think about if an accident were to happen and I died, it would be OK.

@jimhd I didn't read through everything in the tread so forgive me if I missed what you have tried. If you haven't tried ketamine infusion (it's different than Spravato and uses both ketamine molecules instead of just one) or TMS, I would give them a try.

Hoping for you.
Mark

@mandrake70 I'm planning to try TMS, but I'm on a waiting list, and will have to stop taking my main antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and Clonazepam. My wife strenuously objects to Ketamine and ECT, though I'm ok with both. ECT is no longer available where I live, so for now it's a moot point. Ketamine isn't covered by Medicare, but I think Spravato is. I react badly to Ketamine as pain medication post surgery, but I do understand that used therapeutically, it's a micro dose.

Jim

@gingerw
I'm on the waiting list to enter treatment with a psychologist who is a certified NMDR therapist. My name would reach the top of the list in April or May, and now we're in April. Another organization, which does take Medicare, requires that each prospective patient be referred by an MD in their clinic. I've never used that clinic, but I've requested an appt w a NP at their clinic, but the first available appt is in late April. So I'll be entering treatment, one way or another, by early May, I hope.