Shame/blame feelings of cancer diagnosis

I once heard that we are our own worst enemies - and when we experience guilt... well, it's something totally created. I know when I first signed up with the portal, the nurse I spoke to (Claudine - huge applause for her) sent me a lot to read. Since breast cancer doesn't run in my family, and I'm in like the 3% of being able to get it (Thanks God!) I read intently ALL the other reasons that are absolutely NOT my fault - and I will tell you - I could not help it when I got a period, or not having children, and basically I COULD have had a better diet but I've followed WW for years. This totally ties in with your other post about feeling out of control... so GoodGirls, you do things you CAN control (we ALL do) turn it inward....

Having lost 2 husbands, I know the grief stages.... no one can determine what stage you're in because it's a personal journey, but it may help you to google "grief". I was totally angry for a very long time and didn't even know it was part of my grieving process.

And, it IS a personal journey unless you share something. I am so particular about who I share with because a friend of mine that is a nurse told me my diagnosis was "no big deal"..... really? Well, to HER it wasn't, but to me...?

I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. It's not a real productive way to spend a Sunday - after all, the most exciting event of the YEAR is on at 3pm PCT - Selection Sunday.... picking the placements for the NCAA tournament. So, see? it could be a lot worse for you if this is what you look forward to all year....? 🙂

Good movies on Netflix this week.... 🙂

@jlwilcox
😅 oh...thank you ❤️ you made me smile...

Funny thing...my husband calls this support site my "cancer club"...it wasn't a club I was expecting to join, but this is a group of compassionate, caring people I sure want to be in a club with...oh, now I am crying because I feel so cared for by a group I never knew 2 weeks ago...

Are you familiar with the work on self-compassion? (Kristen Neff and Chris Germer write and speak a lot about it). We are so much more willing to talk to ourselves in blaming, negative terms than we would ever say to another person! Two years ago I developed an autoimmune disorder, last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I, too, can fall in the hole of wondering what it is about me that is causing my body to develop these things. It can lead to a lot of “if only…” thinking. It’s just not helpful for me. I’ve gotten pretty good at noticing it, reminding myself that there is so much that is unknown, giving myself a small dose of self-comfort, and focusing on all that is fine and good right in front of me. You will get there! It’s a bit of a shock to become part of this (vast!) “club”. You need a minute to adjust. I hope your treatment goes as well as it can. Find doctors who listen and are willing to talk with you, if you can. And keep checking in if it helps.

@ewhit802
Thank you ❤️

The first thing my oncologist said was "I don't want you to think you did anything to deserve or cause this." I said, I don't! Surely I have done things to my body over 70 years that have not been good. But with recent statistics saying 1 in 5, that's right, 1 in 5 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime, how many possible variables are there out there that could be causal?!
As you said, we have all probably known someone in "perfect health, who lives so cleanly" and they still get cancer. " But the ONE thing that absolutely convinces me that this disease is a crap shoot, is WHY ON EARTH WOULD INFANTS AND CHILDREN GET CANCER, when they haven't lived long enough to do anything?

@marymargaretsh
And until we unlock the mysteries of our dna to the nth degree, we will not know.

@marymargaretsh
Thank you ❤️

The truth is, we know a lot about what causes cancer, and this knowledge can actually empower us because it shows many ways to prevent recurrence, which is now the main focus for most of us. I hope to encourage you to let go of shame and embrace life fully, especially since you've been given a second chance. I’m not just talking about the standard treatments your oncologist recommends. I'm referring to making intentional choices—such as eliminating harmful cosmetics and cleaning products, and choosing organic options whenever you can. It also involves filtering your water, making significant changes to your diet—like eating only organic whole foods, quitting alcohol, and eliminating sodas, refined sugar, and processed foods that you might not realize are harmful. It means changing your lifestyle and becoming more active by walking and exercising regularly. Others may not understand or might think you’re overdoing it, but please know that once you start these changes, everything will shift, and you'll feel a renewed sense of vitality. What I’m trying to emphasize is that it’s not just about luck. You have the strength to take control, to transform your environment, mindset, and physical habits (I started walking 6 miles a day), and to live a healthy, happy, and vibrant life free from guilt or shame.

As you note at the end of your post, there are a lot of different emotions associated with any disruption in life. When I was at the start of my breast cancer diagnostic process I went into therapy (luckily I previously had used a great one, and just went back.) A friend of mine got great support from a group led by a social work that was part of oncology at her cancer center. You could also try writing in a journal. I started keeping one at that time and still continue--even if just a one line per day. Probably different emotions are going to appear that could use some friendly attention in dealing with them. Keep in touch! I found Mayo Connect also helped a lot (which is how I got here.)

@maymore You are right, we know alot about what causes cancer, but which type of the 11 types of breast cancer? Yes, common sense would dictate to eat well, exercise, remove harmful chemicals from your life. Live a good life, a full life, a joyful, grateful life. And I am not saying it is just about luck. However two people could follow the same regime and have totally different outcomes. This is what I mean when I say we still know so little. So yes, have a positive mindset, do all the things above, but do them for your life NOW, so our time here is fulfilling.