How do I grieve an estranged family member?

@ae49 Thank you. It's a very long story, to be sure, and of course I won't put details in a public forum, but there's a lot of bad history involved.
Yes, I was somewhat surprised that none of his kids notified me (it's not like I'm hard to find; a search on my name brings up my YouTube channel PDQ).
At the same time ... I wasn't really shocked by their behavior. Again, a long story.

To me, the grief is more about lost opportunity. Things could have been much different. But it's definitely too late now.

They say that living well is the best revenge. I don't know about the "revenge" part, but I'm glad I took the path I did. I have a good life, despite my disability.

Years ago, I saw a movie that had this line: "What are you looking for? If it isn't peace, it's probably the wrong thing." Words I live by. There's no peace without love, so I try to cultivate love, not resentment or anger. It works ... most of the time.

Sounds like you're on the right path. Lost opportunities are just a part of life I think. It's great when you can find peace. I too have it for the most part but certain situations bring unwanted things back up. It's just ongoing adapting. I often look at ancestors and all they went through. That also helps me put things into perspective. But grief is weird and a little bit wild and unruly sometimes. Take care.

My daughter has not spoken to me since 2002. Divorce issues. She was a teenager then.

Family estrangement is very hard to understand the ‘why’ others do not want to part of the family anymore. Emotionally devastating to have that happen in your family.

Sometimes a person is dealing with so many other issues that they choose not to engage with family.

Prayers.

I had a similar problem with my in law. When she passed I signed her up for a special mass and sent the card to the family.
I opened the door. It is up to them to accept or reject that offer.
I must admit, I'm not in a hurry. My family is abusive and violent.

@marem60
I think you're riight. My son was overwhelmed with health and mental issues as an adult. I think his estranging himself was partly to run away from it though he never could. It certainly was a factor. Thanks for uour input.

I think that some people are from strong families, and some people aren't.
I have a joke that when someone says, "We're like a family here," I wonder, "Which family -- Addams or Manson?"

For some, estrangement is a goal, getting away from a harmful situation.

I think greif is shared with the living. This is your son and always will be. Being estranged does not interfere with the fact that you can respond to the greif he currently is suffering. Who knows, you taking the first step may heal a lot of wounds. Time has a,way of dulling emotions. Forgetting the past and forgiving, no matter how injurious or who was at fault, is the first step on your part to healing these wounds. After that sending a nice thoughtful gift and acknowledging his loss with your thoughts would be the next step. This can be done with a card attached to the gift. I would be brief and let your son know that you love him and his family very much. That you miss them. I would not mention the past or length of time in any way. If you do not get any response, say in a couple of weeks, follow up with another card expressing your love and your desire to see him and his family over dinner; at a restaurant would be nice. Conversation would be easier without the awkward silence that could occur at home.
Don't give up. Continue your efforts to communicate. Does he have children? Depending on their age, communication with them, and gift or two, anything to open the door for a relationship. It's going to take a lot of sincere effort on your part. Again, forget the past and show a lot of love. If the past comes up, explain that that is the past and it's over, let's move on.
I'm not an expert. I have been estranged from my daughter for much longer than 5 years. Actually all of her adult life, over 20 years. I have and still try to communicate with her every 3 or 4 months now. Substance abuse caused us to part ways. Our last communication 2 months ago seemed to have some success. Then she just wouldn't answer my efforts. A friend of hers told me she just wanted to take a break. So, you just don't know how your loved one, after so many years of estrangement, will respond to your efforts. But you have to keep trying. I hope this helps. I think the key is not dwelling on the past.