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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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@pfg173 I’m so sorry. It must be so difficult, but a person has to do what they have to do for their own survival. You matter just as much as he does. Since you have to make all of the business decisions, then that also makes you in charge of your own well being. He can’t understand what you’re going through, so you have to handle it. I’m glad that you’ve advocated for yourself. Keep telling yourself that you matter, too.
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4 Reactions@georgescraftjr I’m sorry for, and I see all of your sacrifices. It really sounds like you should be at a crossroads. You can only sacrifice so much of yourself before it’s just asking too much of you. I’m not at the point that you are, fortunately, but I believe that we have to put our ‘foot’ down at some point and say “I’ve given all I have, I don’t have any left to give. I will continue to love you, but I won’t ruin my own physical and mental health with your care.” You nailed it with not being cut out to parent an elderly 2 yr old.
Hang in there and take care of you. What I’ve heard and read before, we have to put on our oxygen masks first.
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6 Reactions@lkbous Thank you for your encouragement and kind words.
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2 ReactionsYou are amazing and strong! You will get thru this as I know I will. It is the hardest thing that I have ever gone thru in my life but others have it harder I am sure! We do not know why but with God’s help I know we will get thru this!
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6 Reactions@cnutt well he passed away feb 3. In er for diagnosed with pancreatitis and 2 brain bleeds
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5 ReactionsAnyone else feeling lost even though your partner is still here? My wife of 50+years is starting her 15yr with this disease and even though most days she doesn’t know me, I still have her in our house (except for 3 days when she is in day care). And I hope to keep her with me forever. However I feel lost most of the time. I know I should feel lucky to have her (and I do) but I just feel so alone. Sorry for this but it is the “guilt dumpster “. Thanks for listening
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11 ReactionsI think the loneliness, even when our loved ones are there with us, is the hardest pain to deal with.
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7 Reactions@tunared I have found from this group there are many of us who lose our loved ones of many years, before they leave this earth. I think each of us feel alone, each situation has differences and similarities. I have been married 50+ years also and this is not how I pictured this phase of my life. I'm glad you have day care. It took me a while to to hire help 1-2 days a week. No one can give him the care I can, but if I don't get help I won't be able to do it either. We're hanging in there with ya!
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11 ReactionsI'm stretched to the breaking point today...felt so empty and there is very little left in me.... could anyone share some tips re how to put on my own oxygen mask first? Thank you so much!
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6 ReactionsMom is 97 and everyday is a blessing. I have to remind myself that I am doing my best. It is such a privilege to be her caregiver. Stay strong.
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6 Reactions