How do I add aging issues to a life I have never been happy in?

@carmine100
Nice, I will think about trying this too.

@mir123
I will read this! Thank you

I wish I could express how close I am to the questions being posted in this discussion.

In recent weeks different happenings have caused me to look even deeper into my past, wondering if I can accept what I'm learning about myself.

A far away friend has decided to die ("better now than later") and is refusing food and liquids. She's not ill. She wants to die while she's fully in control. I knew she would do this one day, but it is something I've never been through...assessing a relationship, writing a farewell letter, trying to share one thought that may mean something to her in her last days.

And leading a group in our community that intends to make important changes in our management, fearing that I may be a target for harsh responses...but so far, not. Social rejection for speaking up about things people want to avoid, and personal aloneness have been major themes in my fear.

Here's the weird thing:
These have been emotionally difficult weeks, and also I've had some very beautiful moments...helping a child bury a dead bird, and coming back later to see the beautiful memorial she made with flower petals and leaves, the purest love you could imagine...sharing my musical struggles with my wife and realizing for the first time that she really appreciates the depth of my efforts.

I can't wish that these times had been different. I don't think they were very different from other times in my life, often wondering "What's it all for? Why bother? Is it all a bad joke?" and sometimes getting an answer for a while.

If I hadn't lived the painful questions, I would not have had an answer.

As the answer fades, which it always does, for a moment I'm grateful for my questions, and for a moment it seems I know what suffering is for.

Back to the music,
Ed

Ed, you sound like a wonderful person. I am realizing that I am not. I am a horrible person who has complained and taken out everything on others. I have not been able to appreciate anything in life. I do not know why. It is not from lack of trying to change. Does anyone ever really change or do we just spin our wheels making life hard? I have many things in life that have been bad/unfair. I have lived through being raised in an alcoholic home, been depressed and not likeable my whole life, married a week out of high school to get out of my house, lost 2 children to crib death, had collasped lungs for no reason, endometrial cancer when not at risk, GI issues that are unresolved making it impossible to leave the house. I have no friends because I do not know how to have any type of relationship. I have tried plastic surgery to make myself look normal but my body rejected implants, facelift was a failure. I just wanted to look good enough for people to love me. I never get anything medical doctors can cure. I do not benefit from therapy. But I am realizing, everyone has problems, I am just one of those selfish people who only complain about it and seem unable to change my basic thought process. It is hard to realize this when, as I first posted, I am now adding aging issues making me hate myself even more. I have now been told by my ex-husband that I wreck everything, he is right. I will read the book suggested here, I will try gardening, I will try religion. The problem is, unless I can change the way I process doing these things, I will get the same results as all other things I have tried in life. I was born with a bad attitude, and it seems I cannot change it. I do hope you find peace and have better luck in your journey than I have had.

Dear Grasping-
You have chosen such a beautiful name for yourself! It fits perfectly with your story. It is heroic.
I find myself wondering what Sophocles, Shakespeare or Camus would have written had they had you as a protagonist for their plays or stories.
But that's your job.
You live with intensity, and that is crucial if we're to make anything of this life.
Ed

I’m sorry for how this dental care issue has affected your life. Having a nice smile, in our society is much needed for social interaction and cultural norms to belong in our lives.

I would suggest seeking out a licensed professional counselor, one that treats post traumatic stress disorder. Needing to have your upper teeth removed is both a health functioning issue, for healthy eating and chewing, as well as for mental health and well-being.

I had a friend that had a similar experience. He paid for the dental implants, but could not tolerate them. He simply went without, and it affected his facial structure, his speaking, and eating.

I also suggest trying to learn ways to manage coping skills for self care and loving yourself. Self-compassion, loving your inner child, which plays out far into adulthood, our entire life. There are great books on Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, or Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff. Check out their YouTube channel for free videos and buy their books, or check them out from the library.

One last suggestion: I attend a weekly or daily Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, support group. It’s an anonymous format in-person, or online. Google those keywords together, for their website.

Good luck to you.
AzDesertgirl

@azdesertgirl
Thank you but I have tried all of these suggestions. I am in therapy now. I believe that saying "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting different results." I need to somehow figure out why my thought process is such that nothing gets thru to me.

I understand, but as the quote implies, doing nothing about the problem is also insanity.
That you’ve “tried everything” validates this and is the self-fulfilling prophecy itself.

You can continue to help yourself or not help yourself. The choice is entirely yours.

You are in the drivers seat, no one else.

@azdesertgirl
way off.

@edsutton A compliment I can accept, rare. thank you so, so much.