Shocked by aging process

I have had a chronic cancer for 11 years. Mobility, appearance, and energy are all on the downward slide. I no longer fear death. I do fear the godawful end-of-life care on offer in modern America--a warehouse without dignity or privacy, the cost of which beggars your family, and inadequate symptom and pain control.

I am grateful every day for being able to call my own shots. Sometimes I miss being cute and looking good in a skirt and heels. But I am less impulsive and a lot wiser. So there's that.

My mom was a very wise woman and also a holocaust survivor, she was a POW for five years and lost her family including young ones. She always told me to keep my sense of humour and not to take myself too seriously, if I ever bemoaned myself about getting older she would say, then die young, I know it sounds harsh but there’s a point in there. I lost her a while ago and now I’m almost 75 years old and in my sixth year lung cancer survivor, believe me when I say that you’re privileged to get older because so many people don’t get to experience it including children, God bless you.

@robertaeh
To age about 44 we are expanding. After that, the contraction begins.- s l o w l y. One day it hits us - this is downhill. I didn't sign up for this. In the west, we try going backwards to reclaim our youth. Plastic surgery, hair plugs, supplements , every snake oil potion on line. It doesn't work. We should be in the chronological place we are. Think and behave accordingly. It's actually easier. King Solomon said something like " The day of your death is better than the day of your birth, because on the day of your death, you now know what your life was, and what Life is."
Bill Murray said this in Caddy Shack describing his encounter with the Dalai Lama.
I never could accept the end of things: summer, family gatherings, camp, junking an old car that I drove for years, my girlfriend.
Then Leonard Cohen did "Closing Time." Someone finally taught me that THINGS END. Get used to it!
If you don't want things to end, don't get them started. Zen Buddhism: Only the unborn are the undying.
We have Life/Death. Can't escape it. Instead of agonizing over the existential issue, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO (with your gift of Life) IN BETWEEN the two.
I still have a hard time hearing the song The Party's Over.❤️

Aging of course is inevitable (unless you die young) and I've found it has many rewards, but I want to take a moment and consider how to deal with its stress and loss. I'm sure most have us have not reached our sixties and seventies without already experiencing the vicissitudes of life. So my question is--what has worked for you, as a rule, to address kinds of suffering that can't be avoided? I'd include, illness, loss of capacity, the suffering and death of others, and even mundane things like having to move or losing a job. I do feel we build resilience and self-knowledge as we go. Personally, I was very ill in my 20s and widowed in my early 40s. But fortunately I acquired a lot of strategies that work for me. Still, this is hardly one size fits all. So not looking for advice but rather to hear about other people's strengths. I would include humor and yes, a bit of whining to a good friend, in my toolbox to deal with life. You?

@mir123 A lot of the strategies I acquired to cope with loss in my high-energy 40s just don't work now that I'm 70 and have chronic cancer, a wonky heart valve, and a bad back.

I have learned to move on days when fatigue and dyspnea aren't bothering me and to knit and read when they are. So I always feel like I am accomplishing something.

I also have a keen eye for the ridiculous. For ex, my husband and I have taken to watching weiner dog races on YouTube after watching the godawful news.

Americans generally, however, want you to stay strong, be a warrior, fight the inevitable, and stay positive. They want to hear about your successes, not how some days are a big slog. (For those who find that hard to take or for whom the "warrior" metaphors don't work, I recommend Barbara Ehrenreich's "Bright-Sided.")

So many friends have died before their time, and I have no one I really want to confide in on bad days. So I find these anonymous support groups very helpful!

@nohrt4me Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. I love Ehrenreich's book, and was lucky to have read it years ago and let it influence me. Your approach makes sense. I have a little list of things to do when pain is high and energy is low. I can find tv/movies too deadening so usually read or draw or just sort the sock drawer! Very mild stretching to music can be good too. I appreciate your checking in.

Oh, I hear ya! I am not accepting my aging well. It feels like it happened overnight. I was feeling great and loving my age and then all of a sudden I'm having all sorts of different medical situations. I am also overwhelmed with the thought of how many years I have left, which leaves me with many regrets and personal disappointments. I will be 61 in March.

@mir123 I second the mild stretching! Some days I can get on the floor and do 20 minutes of gentle yoga. Sometimes I just do balancing holding on to the back of a chair for a few minutes. I do practice getting up off the floor on my own power every day. It's not pretty, but I can do it.

Aging of course is inevitable (unless you die young) and I've found it has many rewards, but I want to take a moment and consider how to deal with its stress and loss. I'm sure most have us have not reached our sixties and seventies without already experiencing the vicissitudes of life. So my question is--what has worked for you, as a rule, to address kinds of suffering that can't be avoided? I'd include, illness, loss of capacity, the suffering and death of others, and even mundane things like having to move or losing a job. I do feel we build resilience and self-knowledge as we go. Personally, I was very ill in my 20s and widowed in my early 40s. But fortunately I acquired a lot of strategies that work for me. Still, this is hardly one size fits all. So not looking for advice but rather to hear about other people's strengths. I would include humor and yes, a bit of whining to a good friend, in my toolbox to deal with life. You?