How about a laugh, (hopefully)

@hardingv First laugh I have had today and biggest laugh for a while. Thanks !

If the devil goes bald there'll be hell toupee.

The Preacher's sermon was on forgiving your enemies. The Pastor asked the congregation to raise their hand if they were going to forgive their enemies. Every hand went up except 93 year old Mrs. Johnson. The Preacher asked her if she was not willing to forgive her enemies. Mrs. Johnson replied "that's not why I didn't raise my hand". "It's just that I've outlived every one of them."

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning,

I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" ?

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.?

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor
cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do,
probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with
the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT
TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8 ) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

I love board games. My favorite one is where they put meat and cheese on a board, sometimes cheese and crackers. I'm so good at that one.

In order to have a murder of crows, there must be probable caws.

@jakedduck1
Too funny!!

A scammer called and told the lady that answered, "I have all of your passwords". The lady said, "Thank goodness." "Please tell me what they are".

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, ‘Is my time up?’
God answered, ‘No, you have another 40 years, 6 months and eight days to live.’

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live she thought she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation she was released from hospital. While crossing the street on her way home she was struck by a car and died immediately. Arriving in front of God she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had over another 40 years to live’. Why didn’t you pull me out from under the path of the car?’

God replied, ‘I didn’t recognize you!’

Credit: OSHO SAMMASATI