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Feeling cheated
My husband is 14 years older than me and has had advancing dementia for years now. I am increasingly feeling guilty about anger and feelings of being cheated out of my own advancing years. I have family support but understandably, no one wants to spend too much time around him. Everybody tells me to get help,few times a week but I’m such a private person and I keep,feeling conflicted about leaving him while I just go to park or shopping. But these feeling re leading to little bouts depression and I need to stem them now.Any advice will be greatly appreciated
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You've come to a great place to share your experiences and get some good support. I hope you can find a way to address this before the depression really settles in.
What worked for me was to tell my husband there were things I needed to do but I was so worried about him needing something while I was out that I was letting things go. Like, the doctor wants me to get out and walk to bring down my weight, cholesterol, blood sugars, blood pressure... whatever. Or, I really need some new shoes, bras, slacks, and it takes time to really shop. Once we found the right person to be a companion/ caregiver he was fine with me leaving. I found that the best fit for my DH was an older woman who felt more like a friend than a caregiver. He actually looked forward to her visits and I could meet friends for coffee and he was good with that. Just know that it can take some time to find the person who is a good fit. I gave up a couple of times, then tried again. Don't give up. I stayed home at first, then did quick trips to grocery store, gradually increasing my time away.
I'm sure others will have thoughts that may help you. Wishing you well as you navigate this ugly disease.
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3 Reactionsthe "feeling cheated" part.
Feeling cheated is based upon one's own personal expectations of how their life should go and what they are entitled to. Life may have other overriding plans. So when you expected strawberries, and Life gave you brussel sprouts, you feel cheated. Life doesn't care . So maybe our only alternative is to become realistic or more flexible about our expectations? Or drop them altogether, and deal with whatever comes.
note: I expected Brussel sprouts, and got strawberries - this time.
@jehjeh
Thank you so much fir the warm words and good ideas!
Hi,
This is a hard thing for you to go through. I know because my husband had lung cancer, not dementia but he needed my help all the time just like your husband needs you. I didn't want to leave my husband alone either and only went for necessities such as groceries etc. Many things can be delivered. I didn't want any outside help simply because you don't know who you can trust these days.
Your husband is probably feeling scared and realizes something is different about him and can't actually understand what it is. My husband felt that way also. It's hard to not get depressed as you said but your husband needs you more than ever. I don't mean to sound harsh but he won't be there forever. I know because my husband died in 2024. I am so glad I spent the time I did with him. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I think I need to do; shopping, take a walk etc. and I just wish I had him back. I miss him terribly but I know he's up in Heaven and out of pain. We'll be together again in God's time.
Give all your problems up to God and let him handle things for you and he will. God helped me and my husband a lot and God is still helping me get through a very sad and lonely time.
If you have any questions or just need to talk, I am here. I have a lot of time these days. I'll say a prayer for you and your husband. It will be OK. God will see to that.
I wish you the best.
PML