Mistake to move near adult child?

Just wanted to add that needing a man isnt just something that your
daughter wants. I think all media, all platforms promotes that thought for
women. I wish that we would see more stories from women who don't feel that
way. I will say my daughter is in her mid fifties and I would love to be
able to leave this planet knowing that she doesn't have to do all of it
alone. Wish that single women would form community like relationships so
that each one of them could depend on the expertise of other ones in their
group. It is all too much for any one person to do alone and if you choose
to live far away from family, having friends that act as family would be
reassuring to me. I was a single parent raising her and her brother with no
support of any kind. Although I had long term romantic relationships I.
Those 18 years, I remained single from choice so I know how daunting taking
care of a home, working full time, etc. etc. is a lot for any one person.

Everyone is different, but I’ll just share some things I encountered over the years. Living near a family member doesn’t necessarily help the relationship. I had the best relationship with my parents when we lived 1-2 hour drive apart.

I’d check on capital gains tax potential as you consider selling before 2 years.

I would also strongly reconsider living with a senior parent. Caregiving, though honorable, is extremely stressful and an enormous life changing responsibility. Read some threads around here on Caregiving to see the truth about it. Decline can happen quickly.

Is it possible to try an area with a supportive community that has social events, music, art, etc. even if relatives aren’t nearby?

Good luck with everything.

Since the death of her husband my daughter and I a widow live about ten miles apart. I am an independent 90 year old (so far) and while our relationship was bumpy when she was younger we have become very good friends. The secret is I think that we respect one another's privacy. We call before visit, we don't just drop in. We share each other's cooking and books that we've read. We usually have Sunday breakfast together. The situation will change if I develop health problems but in the meantime it's a wonderful arrangement that works very well.

@plowey

If your mother and brother are both reasonably satisfied with their situation, I would let that be. If they don’t see a problem, and you haven’t seen actual evidence of abuse, there is no problem. So far as the daughter. I would admit to myself that I can’t control what she does next or 5 years from now. And so plan my life without her. If she’s around, it’s a plus. If not, life is still going to be good.

But it’s much more what you do now. I personally would evaluate the contacts I have outside my family. And compare them in the old and new places. Do I have contacts like church, friends, etc. in my old home that’s it’s worth returning for? Will they welcome me back? How congenial do the churches, civic groups, senior centers seem in this new home? Do I have the energy to make new friends?

Then I would look carefully at my finances. Can I afford a double move?

I am sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes there are no really good choices. Only the least bad choice. And that is what I hope you will be able to make.

@scain Just to add a thought to situation w/ your mother: physical harm is one reason to intervene, but so is emotional abuse and financial abuse. Don’t hesitate if any of this is taking place. Have you considered having the local police or sheriff doing a welfare check and actually seeing your mother and talking with her w/out any person being present for intimidation? Best wishes.

Peggy,
I am so sorry to hear you were treated in this way. That must have been so hard after losing your spouse and hoping to be near people who love you. My prayer for you is that your grandchild may see the goodness in you one day. Therapy can be life changing. It helps to redirect our attention away from negativity and towards what is meaningful and good. We can never know how people will react to what we see as helpful, loving and kind. We cannot control their actions. It sounds like your move was made with loving intentions. Stay well

I am so sorry that happened to you.
I have a child in Arizona, California and one who lives with me. Years ago, my daughter along with my very young grandson at the time, are the ones who moved in with my husband and I. Thank goodness it has been a great decision on our part to let her stay here. When my husband died she was here to help me through all the paper work, plus moral support. She also pays rent and buys much of the food around here.
I have had both my sons ask me to move where they live and I have always said no. Why? because both sons have moved several times now and it just would not work out. That's always a chance you take when moving to a child's location.
As for a man, I have done fine without being in another relationship with a man. My suggestion, if your daughter moves and even if she doesn't, go and start volunteering at organizations who need the help. Maybe even get a part time job, you will find a lot of new friends, male and female.
I hope everything works out for you.

I'm 84. My kids do enable me to be able to live alone on my 22 acres in California by loooking in on me. I remember living next to my parents when my husband and I were in our 40's. We had no privacy. My Mom woud get mad if we locked our door during the day. It's really tough living next door to your kids. Give them a break to live a life at the age they are, not having to take care of you. It's just plain fair!

It’s a tough call as adult children want their own lives to be able to “be” want they want. They are kind and loving, but their independence is important.
The adult parent could look carefully at both sides and try to find a happy solution for both. It’s a tough call.

@westwoman3698

I would be reluctant to get any government representative involved unless I clearly needed to. I have a friend who reported a sister for financial abuse (likely true) and now the sister and the mother and father are not talking to the friend. The parents’ position is that it’s their money to do with as they wish.