Co-occurring personality disorder patterns and trauma, seeking advice

@suzleigh thanks for replying, yes, I had some thoughts on those things. I just thought that I have to make everything broken then build it back. I think it’s the best way to solve my problem

@shmerdloff Thanks for your words. I even thought i was going to somewhere strange, i found that i got the same ‘dream’ maybe when i lost control, evert times during those three or four years

@shmerdloff i saw myself on the air every times.. and I was like codes which could be deleted or changed

@xine
your psyche is communicating with you, maybe trying to get you to see some answers. Relax and listen to it. It shouldn't be difficult because it's you.

@suzleigh Yes, I keep reliving those awful memories, and I always assume things won't turn out as well as I hope. It turns out I've always trusted everyone unconditionally from the start, only to end up feeling disgusted in the end.
Thanks for checking

@shmerdloff Perhaps, perhaps this is my subconscious trying to tell me something? But what does it mean? I rise into the air time and again, watching myself disintegrate and then reassemble. Like one of the world's codes.

@shmerdloff it’s might be a big trouble for me, because it’s been 3 or 4 yrs at least, I don’t know how it appears on the first, but I realized that always the same thees days

My cognitive and learning abilities are entirely normal. The only severely impaired aspect is my social functioning—I am unable to effectively manage daily life or work. This includes, but is not limited to: an inability to perceive whether I am hungry, whether I should eat, and when I should eat, sleep, or engage in various activities. My IQ, cognitive abilities, and learning capacity are all entirely normal, indistinguishable from those of the average person. Current IQ test results indicate scores between 110 and 130, and I retain the capacity to acquire new knowledge. However, I am unable to lead a normal life, particularly in terms of interacting with others. I struggle to communicate effectively or engage with people in conventional ways. For instance, during face-to-face interactions, when someone sits opposite me or attempts to converse—regardless of whether they speak—my instinctive reaction is to assess their purpose for being present and whether their intentions might affect me. I judge whether this impact is acceptable and controllable, or uncontrollable and unacceptable. Only after confirmation do I respond. Yet others never perceive me as taciturn or slow to react. My responses appear normal, but from the moment we meet, all thoughts run concurrently in my mind. I wonder if this is normal. In the past, I would assess which words or topics could be disclosed without repercussions—believing the other party incapable of using my words against me. Even if threatened, it would only affect aspects I cared little for. Now it's different. Regardless of whether words might threaten me, I remain indifferent. Even when I know I shouldn't speak, even when I know it might bring unbearable consequences, I still say it all, deliberately seeking the worst outcome. It's as if I'm tilting towards self-destruction.
My rational mind recognises this tendency and longs to control it, yet I can feel my actions, my demeanour, my entire pattern of behaviour, moving towards self-destruction.

Hi @xine, I moved the post you made today to the discussion you shared a few months back here:
- Co-occurring personality disorder patterns and trauma, seeking advice https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/co-occurring-personality-disorder-patterns-and-trauma-seeking-advice/

I did this so you can review the helpful support you received from members like @shmerdloff @suzleigh @diverdown1 and others.

It sounds like you might be having swirling thoughts and perceptions today. If I'm reading your post correctly, you're feeling like your outward actions and responses are not matching how you feel. This imbalance, you feel, is "tilting [you] towards self-destruction."

That must be scary and confusing. Did writing out these thoughts help? Do you have a trusted person you can turn to when you feel challenged by social interactions?

@colleenyoung Thanks for replying, not that really, I can’t trust anyone who says that I can or I should rely on them.
From those years, I found a rule— the closest ones would bring you the most deeply and painfully hurt.
I am acutely aware that I am currently overwhelmed by an uncontrollable urge to self-destruct. The clearer I become about what I have gained and lost through past experiences, the more unbearable it all feels. While blaming external factors, I also feel a sense of self-blame. I wonder if it's because one of those factors is my mother—when I'm lucid, I empathize with her. I can fully understand the logic behind every action she took from her perspective. In my senior year of high school, she was driven to attempt suicide by my father. She used to be strong-willed, but after that, she seemed to think that being more submissive might earn her more tolerance (she applied this same tactic to me, making me feel morally blackmailed). She only tells me what I can gain, and in truth, those gains are merely superficial. She never tells me how significant the things I lose might be to me. Perhaps he only knows what I appear to lose on the surface, but he doesn't know what kind of damage or loss it brings me, what I can accept and what I can't. Because he doesn't know these things either. And I know I speak harshly to her sometimes, I can't control it. But while I can empathize with him, I can't control my anger—or maybe it's just frustration at his unwillingness to change. When I bring these things up, she falls silent. I know she can't bear to hear those words, and I can imagine how she feels.