Co-occurring personality disorder patterns and trauma, seeking advice

@suzleigh In fact, I went through my memories—complete memories—with several AIs yesterday. But I found that most AIs tend to operate based on underlying logic focused on soothing user emotions, preventing crises, or even avoiding risks and responsibilities. They approach the content I need to sort through with oversimplification or make edits that are easily overlooked yet impact the story's overall context. But perhaps that's not important. The entire process involved me conversing with the AI. I told it to speak freely about whatever memories came to mind—anything related to my entire being. I recalled memories that had long troubled me, or those I harbored resentment toward, or those I believed contributed to my C PTSD. Or childhood memories, perhaps from when I was only a few years old, that might reflect my personality traits—and I discovered an interesting fact. In fact, paranoia belongs to Type A personality traits. I realized it doesn't change based on my experiences; it doesn't transform someone fundamentally non-paranoid into a paranoid person due to negative events or trauma later in life.
I realized that my memories of my father, including those from childhood, involved his work colleagues, friends, or anyone else who enjoyed teasing him. In China, many people use the question "Do you love your daddy or your mommy?" as a joke to mock children. Moreover, perhaps ten or twenty years ago in China, corporal punishment was still widely accepted in my parents' generation. They believed strictness was necessary to teach children to study diligently and become better people. So when I was young, if I lost points on a test due to carelessness or avoidable mistakes, or even for minor missteps in daily life, they would administer small punishments—like spanking a child's bottom. This was the reason my father was the one who disciplined me physically from childhood. Back then, I never thought anything was wrong. I didn't perceive anything unusual about my memories of myself or my father. I didn't see my own thoughts as problematic, nor did I view my father's actions as problematic. It wasn't until I revisited these memories, overwhelmed by the burden my illness had placed on everyone, that I realized something. I discovered that from the very first time someone asked me about my preferences, "Dad still loves Mom more, so how will you treat them?" my answer always seemed the same: "My dad hits me now. Just wait until he can't walk anymore—you'll see how I treat him. He won't get off easy." (In truth, my words were far harsher, detailing specific acts. Yet at the time, no one—including myself—felt anything was amiss. I saw nothing wrong with my father's actions.) Moreover, growing up, I realized I'd only learned how to hate someone. I don't know how to love; I lack the capacity to love.

@xine it may be a good idea to start trauma therapy or see a psychiatrist

I’m still here still alive..

So many things happened as similar as used to. I just restarted a few hours ago. Let me tell you what happened these days.

After the last session I realised that I had to restart work and life.. and at that time there were two ways for me to, one is my old friend but at that time I thought he would took care of me so I still at the old style. And another is from someone i knew but never met before I thought he could gave me a new workspace and lifestyle. So I chose to new road. But I was wrong 😂😂 I don’t know if the age could explain it.. This guy is younger than me, and before I decided to work with him.. I knew I couldn’t trust his promises for all. I just thought the things he promised would come true for 20% and I could afford the risk…
But the thing is he couldn't be responsible for every word he said, so I suffered a greater loss and left the company.

And now I just paid for my choice and back to the familiar field. So it’s a good restart, right?
During the time of the wrong place, I felt I had finished some of my classes. I used to think that I was a princess without a princess's life. But I saw someone who just like me and I suddenly realised how disgusting the things I used to do even the way I was treated to others..

And now I decide to restart again!
And if there has anyone who just interested in connecting with mail for sharing life or thoughts please let me know. I thought it might be helpful and useful to have someone to keep contact and that will make me feel alive and safe 😂😂 forgive to a paranoid person who can only talk behind the internet 😂😂
Feel free to message me 📩

Ya know, I'm probably the posterchild for mental illness, but what I'm reading above appears to me more difficult than it really is. First, go to the hospital on the east side of Dallas. TX, cant remember the name, but it is one of the best in the states. My insurance at the time paid for everything. This was 26 yrs ago. They teach how to deal with our personal issues with group and person therapy, but my fave part was art therapy. This was the key to the mint moment. Two things. They had a stack of magazines in the middle of the table, we cut and pasted words and images on a paper with the name of one of our alters on top. This gave us a new dimension to what is in us to anylize. Second, drawing one of our alters, maybe interacting with the others is of help to understand the dynamics of what is festering inside. Yeah, group therapy helps, but I found it a bore listening to what seemed to me trivial reasons for being there...lost a job, husband, kid problems, not the deep interactions of the mind. Length of stay can be up to three weeks, but after one week, I was ready to get out of there.