My cognitive and learning abilities are entirely normal. The only severely impaired aspect is my social functioning—I am unable to effectively manage daily life or work. This includes, but is not limited to: an inability to perceive whether I am hungry, whether I should eat, and when I should eat, sleep, or engage in various activities. My IQ, cognitive abilities, and learning capacity are all entirely normal, indistinguishable from those of the average person. Current IQ test results indicate scores between 110 and 130, and I retain the capacity to acquire new knowledge. However, I am unable to lead a normal life, particularly in terms of interacting with others. I struggle to communicate effectively or engage with people in conventional ways. For instance, during face-to-face interactions, when someone sits opposite me or attempts to converse—regardless of whether they speak—my instinctive reaction is to assess their purpose for being present and whether their intentions might affect me. I judge whether this impact is acceptable and controllable, or uncontrollable and unacceptable. Only after confirmation do I respond. Yet others never perceive me as taciturn or slow to react. My responses appear normal, but from the moment we meet, all thoughts run concurrently in my mind. I wonder if this is normal. In the past, I would assess which words or topics could be disclosed without repercussions—believing the other party incapable of using my words against me. Even if threatened, it would only affect aspects I cared little for. Now it's different. Regardless of whether words might threaten me, I remain indifferent. Even when I know I shouldn't speak, even when I know it might bring unbearable consequences, I still say it all, deliberately seeking the worst outcome. It's as if I'm tilting towards self-destruction.
My rational mind recognises this tendency and longs to control it, yet I can feel my actions, my demeanour, my entire pattern of behaviour, moving towards self-destruction.