The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

Posted by Scott, Volunteer Mentor @IndianaScott, Sep 4, 2016

I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!

I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....

So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂

I'll start.

More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.

As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.

In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.

Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."

This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!

Feel free to have at it!

Peace and strength to all caregivers!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

krisingle1 | @krisingle1 | Dec 22, 2025

In reply to @krisingle1 "@nmrcdigman Is colitis generally common with dementia? Sorry to sound ignorant." + (show)

@krisingle1 My Mom (dementia) has been having issues of late with her BMs, but she's also been on an antibiotic, so it could be that.

deniae | @deniae | Dec 24, 2025

I am sorry that I have missed all of you but I am not getting notifications that someone has responded. Today it said I did under three threads but I can't find anything. I want to continue to chat with you all, I was told about a program called Charlie Health. I just started it but have no feedback yet since I was only introduced to it.

Things have not been going well since the cancer is in my husbands brain and he broke his femur bone last month and he was moved from the hospital to nursing home for rehab. I cant get motivated to get anything done. It is so lonely with just the dog and I can't think straight missing him so much but when I visit him I feel rejected.

deniae | @deniae | Dec 24, 2025

I cant even think about Christmas but was glad some of you have people to spend it with. I don't. These psychiatric medicines don't really help me. Not sure about you all. Someone mentioned about the patient needing the meds for depression and that is important. The problem is these need to really be monitored and I have been on quite a few. They are helpful sometimes and not other times.

cjme | @cjme | Jan 3 1:52pm

In reply to @jehjeh "Thanks for this great resource: the Guilt Dump My hubby wants me to fly with him..." + (show)

@jehjeh I'm grateful for the Guilt dump. My husband has unrealistic expectations when he wants to attend events, due to his disease. He over estimates his abilities and mine. I have to be careful not to confuse my disappointment of not being able to comply, by feeling guilty, realizing I am the voice of reason and his disease/decline is dictating our inability to attend, not me.

bigbon | @bigbon | Jan 4 2:31pm

In reply to @cjme "@jehjeh I'm grateful for the Guilt dump. My husband has unrealistic expectations when he wants to..." + (show)

@cjme You are "preaching to the choir" with your post. I also have to weigh my emotions about unrealistic expecations about attending events, traveling, etc. Well meaning family and friends offer suggestions about going somewhere warm now that it's winter. But the thought of me handling everything is out of the question. Driving, packing all the medications, bringing the oxygen compresser and tanks, finding bathrooms . . . too much. Thank you for letting me add to your "dumpster guilt".

cjme | @cjme | Jan 4 11:29pm

In reply to @bigbon "@cjme You are "preaching to the choir" with your post. I also have to weigh my..." + (show)

@bigbon Thanks for adding the comment about the well meaning family and friends that give suggestions that require unrealistic energy to achieve! I have recently answered them with "if I could just snap my fingers and make it happen that would be wonderful, but the effort to make it happen would take an army of people, and the expense is beyond our means!" They do mean well, but you can't truly imagine it until you live it, right?