Loveless marriage

@crabby55, I really appreciate your mindset about your home life because you’re fighting back from being dragged down, you have tried everything including therapy but he’s not responding to the process of working on his relationship. I’ve heard many stories about people who retired and went into a depression, other people have great lives and they do not let themselves slow down. I feel sadness because I am sure that you would rather do things with him however, I totally support your choice to do what you need to be happy, bravo to you and enjoy your journey.

@frouke
Hi – thanks for the response. What about kids – did you have any? My biggest fear is is leaving my wife and this tortured relationship but losing my kids in the process. At least losing their respect for what they might see as deserving their mother. My fear is that I will die alone with no love in my life. Losing my kids is the thing that has kept me trapped in the cage for this long. I do have an old friend that I would much rather be with, but it’s so weird to think of how that would look and feel for everybody. This is so hard to figure out.

@londonex, I have two grown up sons with families of their own. I can understand how you feel and it’s very difficult to get a sense of being in control, my sons are very important to me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I had a lot of turmoil with their father many years ago and he had tried to make it difficult for me through manipulation of my sons, a very cruel and foolish thing to do because it just created more stress. I think that your children love you more than you know because you’re their father and they still need you to be there, in time things will work out and you’ll see that a lot of your concerns are not true, they will grown up and figure things out for themselves.

Thank you. My kids are 28 and 30 respectively. They know the deal – they see the stress in the anger and have for years. I like to think that they would be happy for both of us if we are happier apart. But leaving and creating a broken family structure is a trauma, no doubt. I have to believe that they know I am in pain and lonely, and in need of a better existence. I always wonder how it will feel to be outside the family looking in, spending holidays separately, trying to make them feel like they still have a family, but Not in one place. Been talking about this for years in therapy and still trying to get comfortable with the notion.

@londonex

There are so many sides to the coin. Your kids may actually have more respect for you for getting out and making yourself happy. You can also think of it as role modeling mature adult behavior , not enabling. If you've been doing therapy I'm sure some of this has come up. Perhaps try making a list of pro's and con's. Only you will know what is best for you.

@frouke
Thank you for your response. You are so right on your assessment. I know I haven't totally given up on my husband. Oddly we just had a good conversation. Unfortunately that is far and few between. Occasionally I try to involve him in something hoping it will resurrect a response. LOL....generally I don't get out of it what I would want but amuse myself over effort put out. I will do what I can to be happy and create the journey I want.

@frouke
I just turned 70 this year, which was a blow in and of itself. I am a healthy and fit 70, but nonetheless it makes me feel like there is a limited runway left to land such a big plane. I fought myself for not coming to grips with this 10 or 15 years ago, when it would have felt perhaps a more natural progression. Part of the hesitation, aside from the kids, is The big question as to whether there really will be any more happiness out there, or just loneliness and figuring out a way back.

@londonex, I really appreciate how you are processing your concerns and totally understand, I am a not so healthy 74 years old and have been living my life like I have an expiration date on my head. I have met many people in my life that found love later in life and are very happy, it’s a different kind of relationship when you’re older because you know yourself better and hopefully you have learned a few good things about what you want and definitely not what you don’t want, I believe that women put a lot of pressure on themselves because it’s always been our job to attract the men so that being said, we worry about intimacy, I think men have similar issues but women are more forgiving. If you choose to stay where you are then it’s okay as long as you’re comfortable doing so but please don’t close the door just yet because today’s world 70 is the new 60’s so there’s still lots of room on your runway to change flights if you want to, best wishes.

I’m in the same situation. My husband has never been a very expressive man, but the last few years have been extremely rough. Our kids still live at home, but they’re in their 20s and have their own lives. That’s when I started noticing how alone I felt, when the kids were grown and it was really just the two of us. He’s more interested in his phone or the tv and I can’t even have a conversation with him most of the time. I tried talking to him, expressing how important it was for me to feel like we were husband and wife instead of roommates, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Sometimes he can be really thoughtful, but recently he’s teamed up with our kids and pokes fun at me a lot. I’ve told him this is hurtful, having a laugh at my expense, but he doesn’t seem to care. But sometimes, when we go out and are away from the kids and stresses of home, I see the man I fell in love with. Sometimes it’s nothing more than just going shopping together. What really helped was having the Sirius stations for free (as they are sounds the holidays). Were the same age and listened to the same music back in the day and listened to it when we first started dating. Hearing those old songs again, having that shared bond of something we loved, really makes a difference. He relaxes more, opens up, smiles… Is there anything you and your wife had in common like that, something that you could enjoy together that might remind you of better times? That’s where I’d start. I know people grow content after so many years and often neglect their spouse, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Maybe show her a good time to remind her that you still matter to her. Good luck to us all in these difficult endeavors.

@kitsu73
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I have tried to find common interests and bonds, some of which go back to our early marriage, but I find that her response is somewhat like a dead fish. They just seems to be a complete lack of spark at this point. Looking back on the past 30 years it is a very difficult task to come to grips with the fact that I probably married the wrong person and have spent my life with the wrong person. We were different to begin with, but had enough love to make it work. Over the last three decades, we have grown into ourselves individuals, and thus grown apart. It’s a sad reality, but it is the reality of the situation. The question is what to do about it at this late stage. Thanks again for your words.