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Hurt by Daughter’s Travel Plans
My married 34 daughter lives in VA and because of their busy work schedules, we usually don’t see her unless we travel back east. We were in DC mid-October for just a short trip related to my husband’s job. We rented a car for a few years and drove to their home, took them to lunch then returned to the airport. She texted me last weekend that they would be visiting her in-laws in Tucson to attend an AZ football game this weekend and hopefully they will have time to visit us. They arrived yesterday, will be leaving Tuesday morning and haven’t heard anything from her regarding seeing us. They visited in-laws in April, we found out about their trip after the fact. She was in Phoenix for business in May, visited with us one evening over dinner and also made arrangements to visit her in laws for a day in Tucson borrowing our car. I’m hurt, confused and sad that she goes out of her way to see them but can’t for us. I don’t know how to address this with her. I shared my feelings with her after the April trip and her response was that it was a short visit to attend the car races with them. We are only 90 minutes away from the in-laws and would be happy to drive there just to spend some time with her. I’m 68 and I can’t get her to understand that I don’t have many more years left and just seeing her for a short time is precious to me. This year isn’t unique…Am I being selfish?
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is it possible that his parents are not able to visit back east and the only contact he has with them is if they come out to visit with them. instead of feeling hurt, you should feel proud that you brought up a daughter who is thoughtful enough to put her wishes aside for fairness in seeing all of you without favoritism. once a year with both sets of parents; you when you visit, her in-laws when they travel.
perhaps she didn't tell you when they were there because she was afraid of hurting your feelings.
it is not selfish to want to see her, but maybe she is just trying to balance the free time they have as a family.
it is only natural to want to see her more often.( she probably would like to see you more often), but as you said she is very busy.
if only we had all the time and money in the world...sigh.
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4 ReactionsNO, NO, You are not being selfish, and SHE is very inconsiderate to treat you like this. To sneak a visit to your state and not drive 90 minutes to see you , is inexcusable. It is definitely time time for you to see your lawyer and adjust your will. And don't feel guilty about seeing the lawyer, as she does not feel guilty about treating you poorly!!
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1 Reaction@samclembeau
I appreciate your response😊 In-laws transferred to Tucson due to job relocation 5 yrs ago. They are from VA and have family there so they do travel to VA 3-4 times a year to visit. So my daughter does see them often that is why I feel like she is favoring them more. Our daughter is as an outdoor enthusiast as are we…hiking, Pball, golf, etc whereas in-laws are not. More of going to sports bars and drinking something they all enjoy often while we enjoy it occasionally. We had planned on spending Christmas together in Palm Springs at our cost because she doesn’t want to spend the holiday in Phoenix. But I’m beginning to feel like they will only hang around us if we pick up the tab. So I’m seriously considering canceling the trip and enjoy Christmas staying home.
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2 ReactionsYOU are missing the point.
You did not address my advice to see a LAWYER.
She is treating you very poorly. WAKE UP. She doesn't want to visit
you in Phoenix, BUT she wants YOU to pay for a trip to Palm Springs.
She is very self centered and inconsiderate.
It is too bad you can't wake up and smell the coffee. She has you wrapped around her finger.
I will no longer give you any more advice, as you like to be emotionally and financially taken advantage of.
You need to look in to why you cannot stand up to her.
AGAIN, spend your money. After you see your lawyer!!
Family matters can be very frustrating and generate negative feelings. Do you know if your daughter's husband puts any pressure on her resulting in their visiting her in-laws more than you and your husband. Perhaps she is trying to please her husband. This is just fortune telling and may not be the case.
That you planned to spend Christmas in Palm Springs at your expense is quite a generous gesture. If you're feeling uncomfortable at this point about this situation it's quite understandable. Although you want to see your daughter, you should think about taking care of yourself first. Not knowing about your health status, you should think about what's more important - doing for your daughter or you feeling good about how you spend Christmas. Is it possible to see a therapist or another neutral person to discuss this situation and especially telling them about your feelings. No knowing about the dynamics between you and your daughter before and after her marriage, your past relationship with her, your health status, etc., I'm more concerned about your feelings than your daughters at this time of your life. I have no children and it's easy for me to talk.
Are you talking to your husband about how you feel about this situation? Your feelings are very important. I'm almost 80 - it took me a very long time to learn to be good to myself. I spent a good amount of time in the past going out of my way not disappointing others ending up feeling like I wasn't being good to myself - often feeling bad. As much as you want to see your daughter, YOU come first at this time. This is just my opinion and hope it helps. You deserve having an enjoyable Christmas.
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