How to accept yourself when others don't accept you as you?

@ginnysnow, you get to define you. I love @bobbie4481's phrase "you've invited yourself in."

I'm inviting a few more members like @ray666 @olivia55 @farmyou @scottbeammeup @danileew @casscond @benegesserit to let them know you've taken a seat at the table. Welcome.

Hey- I recently came out as bi-sexual @gently this is my truth. My parents are passing it off as a phase again 🙁 and no one actually accepts me for me and it's truly amazing what people say when you don't fit there standard, or expectation of you.

So this is my story: When I was 16 years old, I was struggling to figure out who I was as a person in this world. My sister, Kaydee, who was envious of me because I was more popular than her during this time—now, Kaydee was always jealous of others, including me. Kaydee thought it would be a fun idea to spread the rumor that I was gay, but at this time I did not know that, so my sister Kaydee ruined my life and my reputation at school, and people made fun of me the rest of the year, and it sucked. I would say that was one of my lowest moments ever.
When I was 17 years old, I figured out that I was gay but chose to keep it a secret from most people at that time. Both of my sisters, Kaydee and Lilith, knew that I was. They both promised me that they would keep it a secret until I was ready to tell Mom and Dad. Lilith obviously broke that promise in order to get her phone back, more about that later.
This year, I told all my friends that I was gay. They took it pretty well. Before I did that, I went through an identity crisis. An identity crisis for me looks like me questioning everything. This looks like me questioning who I am, my religion, what I am, who I am, etc. At that time, I became withdrawn from my friends and family, and any activities that I was involved in, D&D mostly. But also, at that time, I became a Green Bandana member. I became a Green Bandana member to help others instead of helping myself.
So, as I stated before, my younger sister told my parents that I was gay for her phone. Funny thing, though, she gets to have a boyfriend, but I can't be bi. On Sunday night, I had no choice but to tell them. They said, “We aren't mad, why didn't you tell us sooner?” I said, “Because when I first told you, you said it was a phase, and Kaydee went through the same thing, but remember, Kaydee and I are two different people.” They said, “We know that, but be who you want to be, just not in our house.”
There were so many emotions raging inside of me. I felt so much anger, rage, frustration, and regret. The reason I felt that way was because they first passed it off as just a phase. I had felt dismissed because it was so much to process at that time. This isn’t how I imagined that they would react, but I’m happy it’s finally out in the open. I was hoping going forward that they would be more accepting of me and love me for being their daughter and not disliking me because I’m gay.
Yesterday morning, my younger sister, Lilith, told me, “They are just worried about your safety.” At this point, I wanted to scream, or punch a wall.Instead, I simply said, “Ok.”
So, with all of that being said, I need to remember that in the future I need to make sure that I’m having these difficult conversations with my loved ones and trusting that they will continue to love and support me unconditionally.

But do they? no they don't, that is why I lied @gently because I didn't want to be treated differently or how you see me.

@ginnysnow, None of this is easy. I came out a little later in life, with a spouse of decades, three kids, an IT leadership role at a university, a property owner, and a sibling to three others. It was a big change for a lot of people. It took me years to build up courage. I started at home. I came back from my doctor and told my wife that I had been approved for hormone replacement therapy. She told me that I needed to do it because she didn't want to see me dead and that she would support me but didn't know where it would lead. Next I walked into a staff meeting with about 60 people attending, introduced myself, and went on with my report.

I have one kid who doesn't talk to me anymore. I also have a brother who will not talk to me, and another I talk to occasionally but refuses to use my name or she/her pronouns (even many years after my name was legally changed). And the political climate is horrible right now. A few years ago, I wasn't scared using a public bathroom, now that is not so true. I don't say any of this to frighten you or dissuade you. Just sharing my story. Because it is a story of hope.

It is hard to love yourself. I never did. I didn't like who I was and felt like I spent years trying to be someone who I was not, no matter how hard I tried. Now, I am simply Clara, a transgender woman living her best life.

My brother that doesn't talk to me wasn't close anyway. My brother who still talks but won't use my name or pronouns? It’s strange, but we have really great conversations and get along quite well. I miss my kid, but he has his own issues to work through, and I know it is not my fault. My workplace has been wonderful through the entire process, and I have a huge found family that is very important to me. They have my back, and I have theirs. My wife and I are doing great, and we now have two wonderful grandkids too! Most of all, I am beginning to love myself. I finally feel good about myself when I walk in front of a mirror.

I guess in the end, you must be true to yourself. You are who you are. You can try to change yourself to please others, but you will expend a lot of energy and never be someone you are not, no matter how hard you try. The journey won’t be easy either, but it will be fulfilling over time, and you will learn who you are and to love yourself for being that person.

Hi, @ginnysnow

And welcome! You've been going through a lot. I know it's become a bit of a cliché, but "it does get better." It did for me, even though there was a time when I thought it couldn't possibly "get better." I, too, struggled because of a mismatch between my older brother and me. My older brother (14 years older than me, so almost like a second father) was a super athlete. I was the opposite. I was the family book-worm. Being a book-worm, I was able to hide away in my room; my parents, thinking, 'Oh, that's just the way he is,' left me alone. What my parents had no way of knowing, though, was that I wasn't just hiding away with my books; I was also hiding away with My Secret. I never did manage to come out to my parents. I never managed to come out to my friends, either. Of course, as a book-worm, hiding away in my room as I did, I never made many friends. I had the impression, all throughout my teen years, that my parents didn't worry much about my not wanting to make friends with the boys on our street––except for one time: I was going off to Sunday Mass with my father, when we saw four or five of the neighborhood boys approaching us. Apparently I frowned, and my father saw my frown. To this day, I remember him saying to me, "What the f*ck is wrong with you?" Did I answer him? Did I answer him honestly? Of course not! I would continue to keep My Secret for several more years. When, in my late 20's, when I'd actually acquired a circle of friends, and I told these friends, they were 100% supportive. Had I'd made friends earlier with the boys on the street, and told them, would they have been supportive? I doubt it. Of course, I'll never know for sure, but still I doubt it. And had I told my parents––would they have understood? I'll never know; maybe they would have, but then again maybe they wouldn't have. Here, too, I'll never know.

I hope you'll keep posting, @ginnysnow. I wish you tons of happiness.

Cheers!
Ray (@ray666)

Who cares what others think? Whatever we are, IMO, GOD cares about purity. "If a man looks upon a woman to lust after her, he's already committed adultery." "Looks!" We care about the outsides while He cares about our insides. Remember Jimmy Carter?

Hi @ginnysnow. It's tough depending on where you live, but the more you show who you are meant to be, the more you will find your people.

ALL people build perceptions of how they think others are and when those perceptions turn out to be different from reality it throws them off. This means it often takes time for them to come around to accepting the "real you."

However, you've probably also built perceptions of other people that may or may not be accurate.

For example, when I came out there were people I thought would be very supportive and they weren't but there were others I thought would be judgmental and they were supportive. I went through this again when I had cancer--some people withdrew from me, others I didn't expect got closer.

As uncomfortable as it is, you need to put yourself out there and find "your people"--those who will love you, laugh and cry with you, help you through tough times, etc. Once you have a circle of friends it's easier to ignore those who don't accept you. This process may mean ending some long time friendships which is not easy but if they don't accept you as you are then are they REALLY your friends?

Family is a different matter. I was lucky. My immediate family is great. Other family members, not so much so, with them, I just post "Happy Birthday" and "Merry Christmas" on their Facebook pages and that's it. It can be tough to have to distance yourself from family but sometimes it's necessary.

In short, you have to build a "chosen family" of friends and family members who you love and feel safe with. I did it through volunteer work and joining a hiking club. It doesn' have to be a huge group. I'd say I have 3-4 friends in my inner circle with whom I can discuss anything, and another dozen or so that I hang out and do things with.

Good luck!

P.S. this song says it better than I can:

@ginnysnow, None of this is easy. I came out a little later in life, with a spouse of decades, three kids, an IT leadership role at a university, a property owner, and a sibling to three others. It was a big change for a lot of people. It took me years to build up courage. I started at home. I came back from my doctor and told my wife that I had been approved for hormone replacement therapy. She told me that I needed to do it because she didn't want to see me dead and that she would support me but didn't know where it would lead. Next I walked into a staff meeting with about 60 people attending, introduced myself, and went on with my report.

I have one kid who doesn't talk to me anymore. I also have a brother who will not talk to me, and another I talk to occasionally but refuses to use my name or she/her pronouns (even many years after my name was legally changed). And the political climate is horrible right now. A few years ago, I wasn't scared using a public bathroom, now that is not so true. I don't say any of this to frighten you or dissuade you. Just sharing my story. Because it is a story of hope.

It is hard to love yourself. I never did. I didn't like who I was and felt like I spent years trying to be someone who I was not, no matter how hard I tried. Now, I am simply Clara, a transgender woman living her best life.

My brother that doesn't talk to me wasn't close anyway. My brother who still talks but won't use my name or pronouns? It’s strange, but we have really great conversations and get along quite well. I miss my kid, but he has his own issues to work through, and I know it is not my fault. My workplace has been wonderful through the entire process, and I have a huge found family that is very important to me. They have my back, and I have theirs. My wife and I are doing great, and we now have two wonderful grandkids too! Most of all, I am beginning to love myself. I finally feel good about myself when I walk in front of a mirror.

I guess in the end, you must be true to yourself. You are who you are. You can try to change yourself to please others, but you will expend a lot of energy and never be someone you are not, no matter how hard you try. The journey won’t be easy either, but it will be fulfilling over time, and you will learn who you are and to love yourself for being that person.