Has anyone noticed a change in behavior?

@suppiskey2surv It can be maddening behavior, but I think you answered your own question , he does the arranging, not to bother you, but to show himself that he still had some control over his life. Maybe think of a way to turn it around and thank him profusely. Or find a ‘sorting’ task for him: a messy drawer or putting photos in an album, or labeling the tools in the garage so you’ll know what to call things.
Sounds simple? I know you can do it! Let me know what happens!

I have noticed the opposite in my husband who has battled cancer, Covid, sepsis, pulmonary embolism and heart valve replacement in the last 5 years.
He is less organized and seems to be “letting the pieces fall as they wish”
I guess that’s how he has survived through all the illness. Of course, I have been there to pick up where he left off so now we are both learning how to be collaborating partners. It’s been quite a struggle and fortunately my health has held up so I can provide support for him. At times, I remember all the scary trips to the hospital and the agonizing days watching him fight for his life, but I am getting better at figurtively putting all of it back in a locked drawer and choose to live forward. It’s just life and today is a good day because we are not battling health issues!

@becsbuddy

Good ideas, for sure! Thank you!!!

I'm still working on thinking he does this stuff because he wants to try and "control" me. THAT'S my issue, though. He's been through so much. I know he loves me but he recently told me he doesn't "like" me anymore. I think that's because he knows he can't control me anymore and he can't deal with me changing from always submitting to him to, now, being more independent. He's a good man. We love each other but the "liking" is important too.

I really liked your suggestions, my friend. We'll just have to work around the other stuff. At least he's here to "irritate" me, eh?

@oaapae

Whoaaaaa. What a poopy, scary story! And, as you said, such good fortune that you're able to step in and pick up the slack! Each of us are seeing our husbands, wives, partners dealing with some terrible stuff in their own ways, which is a side of them all this nonsense brings out in them. But, selfishly, it has done that to us, too . . . Maybe just in a different way. Dare I say, a great deal of bettering us, so that we can survive what we all have had to do?

Helping each other, here in this forum, helps a lot! Thank you for sharing!

I also have a spouse that is OC to the maximum, but she has always been that way, even before she had cancer. When I try to reason with her about easing up and how it is irritating, she just comes back with, "You know, I'm that way and you need to do what I say." I take the good with the bad, though. She is very faithful and caring, so it's worth it.

My husbands life has become more rigid as he "loses" control, not having the independence he once had. He hasn't/doesn't take care of his health and has a myriad of issues so aging hasn't been kind to him. Of course, he doesn't take steps to make it better, such as exercising so his balance could be better or give him more strength. He ends up doing less, so is messier but I notice he will " pick up after me" [ rather than all his messes] in the guise of being helpful.

@royce

Annoying, for sure. But if she was always like that, I guess it wasn't as surprising. Do you think it got worse after the cancer, though?

The effects of disease captures us and threatens our whole being whether we are patients or caregivers. The closer you live to the disease, the harder it is.
The disease is within the patients(so hard for them) and the caregivers are very close to it. We both search within ourselves to survive.

It feels good to communicate with people who are living a similar path. Kudos to you all for being strong!
Thank you all very much!

@crabby55

Some of this I realize, has been his having to face what his failing health has done to him, physically, but I think that has been compounded by my finally speaking up more for myself. The other part of this, also, is that he says he doesn't like all the attention from everyone, but when he doesn't get it, he plays the "poor me" sympathy card. So, when he starts in with that, I just try not to give it to him. He irritates me. I irritate him. That's just, sometimes, the way it will have to be. A redefined us that we're just going to have to continue discovering. At least there's the love. Maybe the "liking" will return, just for a different reason.

@suppiskey2surv
No, it has been consistent. Because I have had chemo and cancer 10 years ago, I let her know what to expect. But her side effects are worse, because the chemo is stronger for ovarian cancer than it was for me for my Waldenstrom's lymphoma.