What are you best tips for being more patient?

My husband was diagnosed in 2012, and I've been his sole caregiver for a long time.
I'm far from perfect, but I always try to keep my patience in check. After all, he can't help it.
I miss being able to just sit and talk. So when he keeps asking the same question over and over, I think of it as his way of trying to engage in a conversation, and I try to answer as if it's my first time. I'm not always successful, like all of you, I'm tired!!!

Many many years ago I was a smoker, and when nervous I used to inhale deeply. I stopped smoking, but kept doing the inhaling, deep breathing. So when told the same thing for the 10th-20th-100th time, I just do my deep breathing. It was also my secret when doing a presentation or giving a speech, I would have cue card that said BREATHE. I think when anxious, nervous, frustrated, etc. I would hold my breath, then I learned to BREATHE, I found it really helps. When my cousin would call 12 times in a half hour to ask what day it was, I realized she couldn't help it, so I would just BREATHE, and I must confess after many many phone calls, I would stop answering an let my answering machine take the call, I did feel guilty, but in some ways it was self preservation.

Thanks for asking this question! I've also recently begun this journey with my husband and can become easily frustrated.

I try to stop, take a breath, and then respond as I know it's the MCI. I've also begun to ensure I take deep breaths periodically. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps to calm you down. I also envision the fresh air going in with lots of patience and light and the bad dark frustrated air leaving.

Two things I can think of:
If you do not internalize the negative energy which manifests itself inside you as frustration and anger, then you do not need patience because there is nothing you are "bottling up."
It's like Tai Chi (a valuable daily practice). You don't plant yourself in front of the energy and do battle with it. You see it coming and dance to the side or up to get out of its way, just going on with your caretaking duties and letting the negative energy fly by with neither resistance or collection, both of which will exhaust you.
In short, you can't change the circumstances or the effort required of you. You can change how you think/feel about it and how you react.
The other is the power of love. My wife and I have devoted our lives to each other for more than 50 years. There is nothing either of us wouldn't do for the other gladly in gratitude for our lives together.
If that's not love, what is?

@wtr2026 You ask how you’ll ever be able to return members’ generosity—you have already done so by being kind and thankful in your answers and attitude. We so appreciate that on MCC because everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness! Thank you!!

My mantra: "He can't help it." MCI is very disorienting for the caregiver. Most of the things he can't remember are minor and it can seem unbelievable that he cannot remember simple things like the location of the dishwasher pods - under the kitchen sink - the coffee pods - above the coffee maker. I have to repeat my mantra many times a day and give myself credit when I refrain from expressing my own humanness. Right now, another mantra is "it could be worse." Sending best wishes to all of you and your loved ones.

@ocdogmom, very true! It’s amazing how the average person knows very little about dementia. I certainly didn’t. Initially, I thought I could make things better, help her understand, get things set up so it was easier……sadly, those things aren’t options. It’s bad and it gets worse. The only real help was keeping her calm and getting outside help to help lighten the load. Well, at least back in 2014. Now, there are actually treatments that can make a big difference. It’s very exciting! I’m hoping the new meds offer a lot of help. This gives us hope for the future!

@shmerdloff This is a second reply to let you know how much your support has meant to me. I am a better person today than I was yesterday, thanks to the advice I received from you and others who responded. What felt impossible now feels doable. Although I have a long journey ahead, it looks brighter and happier now. What a difference you have made for me. Thank you!

Hello, @wtr2026 I’m glad you found this group! I’m Scott and I was my wife’s caregiver for her 14+ year journey. Patience is tough to come by, for sure.

I have no magic solution but for me it was remembering my mantra of “she’s facing death everyday. I’m not, so I bet I can help her at least through today.” I also reminded myself that her unusual personality was not “her” but her disease. Reminding myself she had no control helped me be far more patient than I was in my past, too.

Just my thoughts.

Strength, Courage, & Peace