What are you best tips for being more patient?

Hello, @wtr2026 I’m glad you found this group! I’m Scott and I was my wife’s caregiver for her 14+ year journey. Patience is tough to come by, for sure.

I have no magic solution but for me it was remembering my mantra of “she’s facing death everyday. I’m not, so I bet I can help her at least through today.” I also reminded myself that her unusual personality was not “her” but her disease. Reminding myself she had no control helped me be far more patient than I was in my past, too.

Just my thoughts.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

wtr2026, this may not help you at all,
but I pretend that it is the very first time they are asking.
Never expect that he'll remember.
Bless your struggle.

@wtr2026 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect ! This is a great group of people who will definitely have tips for you. You’ve already met @IndianaScott ! And if you have anything to offer in the other discussion groups, please do so.

Two things I can think of:
If you do not internalize the negative energy which manifests itself inside you as frustration and anger, then you do not need patience because there is nothing you are "bottling up."
It's like Tai Chi (a valuable daily practice). You don't plant yourself in front of the energy and do battle with it. You see it coming and dance to the side or up to get out of its way, just going on with your caretaking duties and letting the negative energy fly by with neither resistance or collection, both of which will exhaust you.
In short, you can't change the circumstances or the effort required of you. You can change how you think/feel about it and how you react.
The other is the power of love. My wife and I have devoted our lives to each other for more than 50 years. There is nothing either of us wouldn't do for the other gladly in gratitude for our lives together.
If that's not love, what is?

Repeatings are particularly frustrating. I recall when my cousin began doing that A LOT! I initially reminded her she already asked the question, then one day I asked her if she realized she already asked it….she said no. So, I decided to always answer like it was the first time. And never tell her I’d answered it before. One thing I did was devise a game I played in my head. I counted how many tines I had to answer the same question. Lol. I kept a running total to see when I’d break the record. It helped a little. Especially when in the ER for long waits. While in those cubicles she would often be scared and anxious. She hated hospitals . She was so relieved I was there with her. So, she’d say, I love you so much! And, I say, I love you too! Pause….repeat about a minute later. Lol. This would go on for hours even when I tried to change the subject. I bet those other nearby patients found it odd and confusing. That is where I first stated the counting game. I did it in my head not aloud. Eventually, her repeatings stopped. Her speech eventually declined.

My father continued with repeatings and never lost all his speech. My mom struggled with it and no matter how often I reminded her, she felt the need to tell Daddy she had told him something several times before. I think some people are not well equipped to tolerate dementia behaviors. No one’s fault. I think it’s important to be realistic about it. Know your limitations and get help. Taking breaks, continuing to have your own activities and interests is vital. Imo, respite time is the most important thing for caregivers. I think being patient can lead to a lot of anxiety and caregiver fatigue. Read about that. It’s brutal. Even though I thought I was prepared…..it was a shock.

It took me over a year until I internalized the fact that my wife truly did not remember what I told her a few minutes ago and then I was able to answer her calmly and matter-of-factly as if she was asking the question for the very first time. Even then, sometimes I get frustrated; we’re only human. My wife knows she has this memory problem, because sometimes she prefaces her question with “I know I’ve asked you this before, but…”

I’m glad you found this group. We all here share your frustration. You are not alone.

Hello: Boy, the repetitions are my undoing. I reminded myself how patient I was with our children when they were little, that didn't help me to be more patient. I did the tally method to keep track of the number of repetitions, no help. Reminding my husband of the repetitions doesn't help.
I started writing down answers to the questions he keeps asking, and when he repeats I show him the note; helps a little sometimes
So... I just went out and bought a punching bag and boxing gloves. I don't want to develop an ulcer, so I need a release.
We were doing Tai Chi for nearly a year, now he doesn't want to anymore (maybe I'll continue on my own).
Good luck to you! 🫂

@IndianaScott thank you so very much. I am taking your wise advice to heart. With more appreciation than words can adequately express. Thank you.

@judimahoney thank you for taking time to help me. Your note has inspired me to be more disciplined regarding exercise. It's good to know what didn't help too. Thank you again.

@tgeno Thank you - I hope I can get to the level of love and humanity you possess. Thank you for welcoming me to the group too. I think it may be the balm my husband and I need now.