Husband with untreated depression/anxiety

Thank you so much for your caring and helpful advice. I appreciate your sharing you experiences. Be well!

Roseann I feel your pain as my husband is also clinically depressed and refuses to get help. He had a bad fall 4 years ago and a stroke 18 months ago. He retired and we sold a business after that. He was suicidal for about 6 months but luckily we got through that. Now he is bitter, angry and withdrawn. He won’t socialize, barely talks to me and will not ask for help. We are living separate lives in the same house. It is very lonely.
I have read all the suggestions about getting help and they are all good but they don’t do any good if he doesn’t listen. I do take care of myself and have started going back to church. I will try anything to help him but I can’t suggest it to him because he gets angry and it starts a fight.
I guess that I should count my blessings as my health is good, unlike you who are dealing with so much.
I wish you the best

Thank you so much. We are living very similar lives. My husband is physically very healthy but mentally very very difficult to get along with. People who tell you to just talk to him or to give him an ultimatum to get help just do not understand that this does not work with some people. If they refuse to talk, if it just makes them angry if you press them or they shut down and sulk for days it is just not possible. It can feel very hopeless. Even therapy doesn’t solve anything if it’s just you. I am not a religious person but I hope that helps you. I found your reply to be very helpful and I. Truly appreciate it. I wish you peace.

We don’t hear that “ depression” can be contagious From a social standpoint it occurs to me that the social aspect of being human means to me that some of those excellent qualities of being human means “we feel” for others which makes us vulnerable to “ feeling “ a loved one’s depression. It then seems possible as I see it to catch their depression and create our own at the same time.
I wish that I discovered a magic cure for this in whole or even in part. My GF is going through rough times now but more often than not she’ll say to me “ this is not a good time to have this conversation. In fact we had this conversation a few hours ago. I want to respect her wishes and I told her that AGAIN today. I as lovingly as possible told her that it hurts me to bring it up but perhaps someone else ( me ) can see what she’s missing. However, unless she allows a conversation to happen it’s Groundhog Day once again.
Perhaps you will be best served when you entrust you pain and joy with others who will support YOU!
That may sound SELF-ish and very well may be selfish but you need to put your mask on fist; before your children since they are untrained and unskilled in setting priorities. They always eat the ice cream first and feed the dog under the table.
Hope something I said made sense and made you smile if not laugh!

Were hear to listen and support the one writing and not the one written about.

Smile and be well!

razorsharp..... agree with you 100% without intending to afront anyone. I am 76 years old, have never been a church goer. I am now reading and actually see the validity in Deism. Yes, there is a God, he gave us Reason but not Religion. Most of our Founding Fathers were Deist. Begin by reading The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine and you will begin to understand. I was the sole caretaker of my husband who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which had spread to the liver and who know where else. Seeing him suffer and the others that were receiving chemo, if God was in control, He would not have let this happen. I respect everyone's beliefs but for myself Deism works best in trying to understand.

Hi Kdalda
Thank you for replying . I'm a person who believes in seeing is believing, If someone can just show me the proof just once that there is a God then & only then will I believe them. Because what I've seen so far is nothing at all. Not one human been on earth has ever meet God in person it's always been in someone who has lost a love one in some shape or form & then they seek help from there God. As I said before to Rose. I'm not pulling her apart because of her believes in something or someone that they have never seen or meet in person Yet they all want ever one one else to believe them. My main point I was getting at was she said YES God Made us all even the Sun the moon the hole earth and then he made the Human race & my reply Well I think he should go back to the drawing board & start again because he didn't do a very good job of making the Human race, so why would anyone have faith in someone who made you with a body Full of Bugs even before you put foot on earth you come into this world with all sorts of problem's. I'm 80Yrs old and right from the start I had Blood problems which course clots I'm 1/2 blind / High Blood presser. which I had to had to have a pacemaker put in to keep me going & now I got Pancreatic & Liver Cancer which can not be cured. & that is just me alone So why would I believe in someone to help me if he was the one who made me in the first place ????? It just does not make sense to me. Take Care I know I am going to get a lot of unhappy readers come back at me about this but unless they can show me proof that God is a real person that cares for us and they have meet him I'm sticking to my believers

I am curious razor what “proof “ looks like to you? I would also like to know what “God” looks like?
I’m not judging you or your words. Sometimes my curiosity wants to hear more about a persons words and beliefs.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings

Hi Roseann. My thoughts go out to you and tstrepy for what you are both going through.

At some point, and this is very hard to do with a spouse, you have to accept that the other person is not going to respond regardless of their situation. They have chosen to live unhappily. you don't.

It's not unlike having an alcoholic/addict in the house. Until they realize that they need to change, and more importantly, they can't do it alone and need help - you will drive yourself crazy. People have to find their own way to the pain point that forces them to ask for help. And if they don't, well there is no need for the other person to suffer along.

Easier said than done. We are each entitled to our own lives, and that's about all we can manage. We can't manage another person's life, no matter the reason.

Again, my good thoughts go out to both of you. I hope you find some happiness in your own lives. You certainly deserve that much.

Joe

I asked a question regarding my husband’s depression and it has become a discussion about god. Not what I asked for help with. I try to be respectful of everyone but if I had wanted to discuss religion I would question a different support group. If you want to discuss your beliefs please start another thread so it does not come up under my heading. Thanks.

Dear Rose
Thank you for replying to me about the problem you are having trying to take to your Hubby. Why I understand is your Hubby has gone into shock & it is his way of trying to handle the problem he has. How do I know this because when I was told I had Pancreatic & Liver Cancer I did much the same & when my wife would try to talk to me I would also shut down because I don't think she really understood what was going on inside my head, The Best think I think you can do is just let him be, do not try and push him just try and be a little bit more understanding he just want to be left in peace. Mean time you yourself must try and find away to fill in your days by going out to friends placers and talking to them about your problems, But just leave Hubby alone Ok
Take Care Rose