* High anxiety and depression *

Hi there .... I just heard from my daughter - the one that I'm closest to. She actually does understand why, should I not get these apartments, that I would want to move back to Frederick. That was a real surprise to me. The other 2 - my other daughter and son don't seem to be phased by too much. My son is totally against it, but no longer says anything. So, as long as they visit now and then, and I will do the same, I'm OK with that. So, now we'll wait to see.
abby

Abby, I'm so happy to hear that you talked to your daughter and that she is supporting you to take care of yourself! I'm wondering what you are waiting to see? Perhaps I missed one of your posts.

I guess I'm waiting to see if I get accepted in them, and if I do, if things change for me down there. I'm a "people pleaser" and it feels as though if I don't give them a try, assuming I am accepted, it's a slap in the face to my kids. And, as stupid as this sounds, I'm afraid if I do go back to my condo, I won't be happy there either. That's where the depression and anxiety could sneak in. But, at least up there, I could go out somewhere and know where I was and how to get home. Here, I can't do that.
abby

Amber, are you waiting to see if you get an apartment where you live right now? I think i just read great news about your kids. You had good commuication and they seem to know what your desires are. That is so great! Where are you in your head right now? Are you saying that you will not move from where you are if you get an apartment? I was kinda thinking you had decided to make a plan to move back home. ....... Blessings.

I probably wrote this before, so if I did, just ignore it. A year and a half ago my 2 daughters convinced me to move closer to them. I debated for 5 years, but finally did it. I do not like it here at all ..... I keep telling myself it will get better, but it's getting worse. Some days I don't get dressed. I am 72, in good health, living in an apartment way out in the sticks. I had lived in the other place, MD, for 30 years, and when I got divorced 12 years ago I got my own condo, which I am now renting out. Now I've gotten to the point where I'm very depressed here, and what if I go back and don't like it there anymore? I'm going up this coming week for an appt. with both my therapist and my Psychiatrist and a big part of me wishes they'd put me in the hospital for a few weeks, to somehow stop this spinning brain. I've been dealing with D/A since a young teen, and am on meds. I've been looking for a part-time job, there is no church down here that "fits" .... and I have 1 friend here ... a neighbor lady. We talk about once a week or so. I don't know what to do .... stay here, move back, or just go to sleep and not wake up. I loved my condo, my neighbors, my friends and my church ..... and now I have this ..... nothing. If I go back both my girls will be very upset as they love having me here ........ but then at their ages - early 40's - isn't as traumatic as when you get older. People say "get involved" .... easy to say, but when I feel like this, putting shoes on in the morning is almost too much. Thanks for listening.
abby

Hi Amber,
I moved your most recent message to this discussion that you started a few days ago so that you can continue to connect with people who know your story and can continue to journey with you as you face difficult decisions.

Thanks Colleen ...... my brain feels like it's a merry-go-round that never stops, so I appreciate your moving this. My son wrote me and said that the apartment people (government subsidized) want to have a 4-way conversation via phone this Friday at 11 ... this would be my son, me, my F.A. and whomever from the apartments. I wrote back to him and told him, I'm not committing to anything right now. We've given them enough for them to know I'm not rolling in $$. I have little patience for all the government red tape. I'm sure if I don't agree to this, I won't get one ...... that's OK by me. I'm so exhausted with all this and I have not felt this extreme depression and anxiety for several years - at least 12 when I was going through my divorce.
abby

Yes government red tape can be exhausting. That is why it is so important to have someone to help you through this. I know from your previous replies that you feel cut off from help. You now have your son helping. I can attest that the government people do understand people that have problems. You just have to let them know. Your son will have to know in advance that you are having problems with depression so are not thinking as clearly as you normally would. You do not have to tell them you are depressed, but just say feeling overwhelmed and not thinking very fast. These are common for seniors. The senior housing people deal with this every day.
Have you had a chance to tour this housing? Usually you are able to take a tour to see if you like it and to talk with some of the residents and see how they like it. It might help you make up your mind if you want to move there. Some senior housing have organized social events. Remember the final choice is yours.
Please call your doctor or therapist to let them know how you are feeling. It is important to let them know your feelings right now.
My depression gets worse but gets better. We old people have gone through a lot so we know that we can make it, but sometimes it seems so impossible to get through. Just know that we are all here rooting for you and understanding that you are in a tough situation.

Hi amber, just read your last few posts. From what you are saying about how you feel emotionally and some of the other stuff you said, in my own opinion only, speaking from very personal experience, i am thinking it might be wise to talk to a counselor as soon as you can. I feel the way you feel so i can relate. I am concerned about your mental health right now. Today is friday so i dont know whether you went to the housing facility yet. I do know from experience and what counselors advise, is that we shouldnt make big decisions when we are in turmoil.
I still feel the same as i posted to you several days ago.....so i wont repeat it.....but please follow your heart. Please make the decision that will make you happy. I would hate to think that you are in a housing facility.
Please connect on line with one of the moderators here, maybe a private message, about not wanting to wake up in the morning. I am pretty much feeling the same way, but my issue is i am not going through any bereavement counseling. Please let us know how you are doing.....love and hugs

Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby