I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.

Thank you. I looked for it but guess somehow I missed it.

You don't have to live like this. Depression is a real medical condition that can be treated with meds and talk therapy. I just saw this post so I'm sure there are others like it.

I had my first panic attack and bout of depression at age 19, in 1972. There were no meds for depression, and even less understanding by the medical community on how to treat it. My Dr and my parents told me to "grow up".

That hurt and I finally got relief through long-distance running. That ended in 2002, the depression roared back, and I finally went to my PCP at the time. I was 48 y/o at the time. He prescribed Paxil, which I still take, and talk therapy. I still meet via zoom once a month with my therapist of 15 years. I can't run anymore but I am in the gym every day. And life is pretty good.

I hope this helps. Depression hurts but you can get help.

Joe

The realization that I will never be happy again came the night my husband died. We were together for 62 years. Now I am just a couple of months shy of 91 years old. I have never been much of a social animal so mostly stay at home. I am fortunate that at my age I am relatively healthy. I am not in pain. I have my mind and am able to make decisions about my life and also financial decisions. I can drive. In my mind I feel about 50 years old. However recently I came to find out how people viewed me in the past. It was a shock and I had no idea. Now I feel ashamed and unworthy. I don't want to interact with anyone in any way. I go out only for necessary reasons. At my great age there is no way to tell how many more years I have left, but for sure they will not be happy ones.

Im saddened for you and for your losses…. But you are wasting your life away on yesterdays memories and losing todays opportunities.
Your are telling yourself lies.
You DO have value. You DO have a purpose.
Yes, you sound depressed, are depressed and have befriended the Enemy.
You seem to have gotten so acquainted with Depression that youve forgotten its counterpart, Joy.
CHOOSE JOY.
Do you WANT a plan to move forward IN LIFE rather than live backwards?
If so, please consider reading Switch on You Brain by Caroline Leaf.
May I suggest you take sometime and look around you and find people you can help?
We get into the Habit of believing the negatives. When we do! Our health suffers.
Many of us have had to Fight for freedom from depression. Its a battle but it can be defeated.
Embrace the good things. Focus each day on seeing the beauty around you and everyday journal your gratitudes youve seen in your day.
Did you give someone a smile today? Pay them a compliment? How about spontaneously paying for someones meal? Give flowers to a stranger to give them a surprise.
Try it every day.
Look for opportunities to USE your Depression to bring the element of surprise to someone else; a note, cup of coffee, a compliment, etc.
You can do this. And if you do, youll find the blessing of being a blesser to someone else and in time, youre gratitude will be larger and your depression crowded out.
Best to you by being the best You to someone else!

I see you.

I was married to the love of my life for twenty years. Our life together was ended not because of something either of us did. I was made sick by the psychiatric business and it came to a point where she had to leave and take my children away.

I have not seen my children for 12 years. They were ages 7,9,11,12 they are now 19,20,22,24.

It has taken me 12 years to recover from what was done to me by doctors, lawyers and a corrupt legal system.

I no longer know what my children look like. I do not even have a picture of them beyond the age at which I last saw them. My ex-wife is quite damaged yet I love her to this day…I know how you feel, believe me I do.

Yet I have “hoped” she meet a good man. The woman I knew needs a man in her life. Teenagers “really” need a good man in their life. All I have been able to do is pray she has found a good man.

I hope to one day stand at the wedding of one of my children…I’d settle for them calling and asking for money. Anything to see them.

I am not diminishing your pain…I feel it.

I will never love anyone the way I do my ex-wife. Frankly, I don’t want to. It was ours and the pain of its absence long ago turned into part of who I am. My ex-wife put me in prison to get rid of me and I love her still. The heart “can” be reasoned with, sometimes it works better than others, tears stream down my face as I write this.

I’d have it no other way.

You have your daughter. Presumably you’ve see her fall in love, get her heart broken, learn to drive, graduate from school. You’ve witness her light and her love for all these years and now her joy at getting married.

I would give my life for just one of those moments with my children.

I am not diminishing your pain…I know it all too well.

I am not trying to tell you it could be worse…it is no comfort to me that others have lost their children.

I am trying help you look at the infinity of special moments you have and will have, each priceless on its on. Weep for your loss, I weep with you.

Rejoice in what you have, I welcome a crumb from your table as others would welcome my scraps.

The grief you feel, the sorrow, the pointlessness is real.

For me there are only two choices: end my life (and yes that is an option for me) or turn my pain into something of beauty.

I am my children’s father…it is not up to them. I may not be with them but that does not absolve me of my promise to always fight for them and be there if they need me.

I don’t know if I will keep that promise tomorrow. I have tried to end my life before, but I was on meds then.

For today, it is that fact that I am their father that allows me to endure the unthinkable.

I suspect the same is true for you.

Today I choose to keep fighting for them. Even if it means shaking the hand of the man that parented them through their teens. I pray he did a good job, whomever he might be. When I meet him if I ever do and he has done his job, then it will take restraint to not kneel in gratitude.

What more could I ask of another man.

He is loving and caring for that those I love and care for. That I cannot is separate issue.

If he is not a good man then they need me even more.

I awaken everyday with overwhelming desire to kill myself. I have since childhood, (my posts explain why) the hole in me where my children should be is where I retreat to heal and face another day.

If not for yourself, just for your daughter. Call her and talk to her and let her know how you feel. She knows you sacrificed to be there for her…let her see how big the gift you gave her was.

My farther worshiped my mother until the day he died, though they’d been divorced for 35 years. I’m pretty sure he died loving her and was perfectly fine with it.

I suspect I will do the same. I also know I will love again, different and beautiful in a its own way

Then I will die.

For me the grief and the love are no longer distinguishable from one another.

I hope you find peace.

Please don’t miss another moment of joy…it helps balance the grief.

Our legacy is written in how much we love…thats it.

The rest is noise.

Dfb,
Youve walked a long and painful path.
Youve loved much, lost much, hoped for much all due to a betrayal from several systems.
The co$t has been tremendous; financially, emotionally, economically and socially.
You know, this may not be of any interest to you, but have you considered writing about your experience and how you have walked thru this time?
Perhaps, even as your own personal recollection of memoirs, and penning the hopes youve had for them and making a copy for to each specific child?
I trust theyve not heard your voice in years. Now that they're older, theyll have insight into how deeply theyve been loved far away and its a love theyve never really known.
It just might help them to see you as the man theyve missed and will learn the truths thats never been told to them.
Thank you for sharing.
Blessings to you.

Hi,
Your post saddened me and made me angry at those who had you feeling ashamed and unworthy. But that is their problem, not yours! You sound like an incredibly strong woman. I hope you are able to find friends who care. Know that I care. -Mollie

Thank you for seeing me.

I have indeed published my first work on what I have learned about human Thriving, there are two more in development that will be out before years end.

My memoir is almost complete and will be published and released to the media before years end as well.

It would be inappropriate for me to name them here. Readers of my post will easily recognize my story.

I occupied a position of privilege few ever do, let alone one who had already been severely traumatized. The system that failed me is the same one that has failed everyone in this board.

I read it every day. It is a silent witness of man made suffering.

I now have the privilege of using my notoriety and supposed infamy to shine a light on the truth.

Suffering is man made. The system of scarcity we have created we have done so from fear. It is a tool of profit and control. It is a world I know all to well.

I will speak for those who cannot.

They will listen because of who I was and what they thought I’d become.

They will listen because if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone.

They will listen because (sadly) the depravity of my story will pull them as will all the scandal I am about to cause people in positions of power.

They will listen because I was a local and nationally respected expert in my field.

They will listen because of my previous philanthropy and stamp on of much of financial services.

They will listen because I won’t shut up…ever.

Once my work is published they can kill me if they like, the media will do the rest.

Best if we leave it at that.

The is a special place to me. It is about all of us. I hope to able to tell our stories.

David

Thank you, David.
When your book its near time to come out, please let me know via private message. I am looking forward to reading about your experience, tho I trust I will shed many tears yet also, sing praises for you making the choice to prod ahead thru life in the midst of much pain snd sorrow and perhaps bitterness, too. I hope your children will see how remarkable you have become.
I am celebrating your ability to have chosen to “win”, in the sense you werent defeated unto death in the depth of your depression.
This is where your new inner man will give hope to those who have experienced horrendous pain of things perhaps unspeakable to voice.
Thank you for sharing your experience, raw and candid emotions, your feelings of injustice and yet, you still stand in the love you have for your wife and family.
I expect this will be an extraordinary read, an encouragement to others and an inspiration for others to continue to move through life when all hell breaks loose.
Your ability to go and grow through life carrying this pain, using it to strengthen you and not defeat you is a grand slam VICTORY.
Bravo, my friend. Bravo.

Me too. How did you come to find out these things???
SHAME
I understand your feelings and I’m young70
Vic