Husband with untreated depression/anxiety

My father was diagnosed with major depression over 30 years ago. He was always controlling rigid. Much trauma in his upbringing. He has never changed. He walked away from therapy years ago. I was the one finally who got help for my own issues and trauma. Your husband needs to want to help and heal himself.

Agree with kb2014. (I just read all I wrote, and am very sorry it is so long....)

You can't go through the rest of your life as miserable as he is! You are not joined at the hip, your circles of life cross a bit in the middle but one circle does not consume the other.

A good marriage is created: by TWO people. Part of marriage is each partner taking responsibility for their issues, mental or physical. This is so someone can deal with living with him. No partner is perfect, but your husband must do self maintenance to try to be the best he can be for you!

In addition, as life progresses, a partner must continue to grow at about the same pace as the other partner or things will fall apart.

It isn't easy for anyone to maintain themselves and an marriage partnership; if it were, the divorce rate would not be more than 50% and marrying in general being on a decline.

Personally? I have severe complex PTSD: it is anxiety and insomnia "on steroids" it can be so bad. It is SO bad my doctors wonder why I've not become a drug addict or an alcoholic - ever.

The combination of five drugs I take (which took 12 years to figure out) keep me from having physical symptoms of anxiety; they keep me able to sleep well and able to take good decisions and care of myself; function well in my personal life. The thing is, I have just had to ACCEPT I was sick and it wasn't going to get any better. I had to take on the adult responsibility and TAKE them no matter what.

I hate my anxiety and PTSD medications for two reasons and want to STOP taking them every fourth day. This is because most SSRIs and many other psychoactive drugs, and blood pressure drugs (which help alleviate anxiety) also cause one to be unable to orgasm. It takes about a week for the drugs to leave one's system before an orgasm will return.

Even though as I haven't had an orgasm in more than five years, due to these side effects I can't simply cut my husband off from his fun and games in bed!

Just hugging, kissing, and him getting his "poke" (think Lone Dove movie) frustrates the hell out of me, as the drugs do not stop the sex from feeling good, but the orgasms just don't tip over the edge as they should.

But simply because I have a problem with anxiety and PTSD and my meds, does not mean I should deny my husband the pleasure of access to my body for his pleasure. That is not love.

MANY drugs that fix depression and anxiety mess with a man's ability to want to have sex and his orgasm. That may have something to do with your spouse's refusal to either take the meds or go to counseling. Sex is a huge part of any marriage, particularly to men.

Us depressed and anxiety ridden people are between a rock and a hard place. And it can be depressing in and of itself to not be able to enjoy one of the best fireworks God ever blessed us with. I feel sorry for your spouse if this is why he makes you endure his anxiety and depression.

He needs to accept facts and step up to the plate as your partner or let you go.

It frustrates me that I cannot orgasm, even alone or with direct stimulation, and I have stopped the drugs simply because of that factor. It usually results in 3-4 months of ER visits, and returning to trying to stabilize my PTSD symptoms. But I do it for him and me. It makes me easier to live with and deal with for BOTH of us. lol

Thank you for such a heartfelt & honest reply. Many truths in what you said. I wish you & your husband health & peace.

True he’s unhappy but seems to think he can fix himself & when he can’t it must be my fault. Financially we cannot afford to split. So I am trying to find a way to achieve peace.

@roseann4z
It is hard sometimes for human beings to know they need help. This goes for both mental and physical health.

What works for one person will not work for another. There are so many medications out there that can help. If sideaffecs occur your presriber needs to know. They can change them and try others. Medication alone though is not the answer (this comes from my own personal experience) lifestlye changes, working with spouse, family, friends is also important and something counselors, psychologist, psychiatrist can help with also not just medications.

I am luck to have a psychiatric department at Mayo Jacksonviile. After a lot of testing and counseling I see a psychiatric medication specialist every 3 months or as needed. I sometimes feel myself tighten when I tell someone I am seeing a psychiatric medication specialist. I think that is why some try to do this on their own because of the stigma of asking for help. That I hope can be addressed as seeking help for mental health should not be any different from physical health.

Can you talk to spouse about seeing someone other than those he has already seen? Talk about new medications without side affects that can be found specific to your spouse. Does your spouse have any hobbies or exercise he likes to do? If so encourage him to do so. What is better are there any of those exercises and or hobbies you both like to do? I know this may not work for you and your spouse based on your specific problem but I mentioned it out of what worked for me so passing on my personal experience with this.

Again so many medications out there that can be prescribed that can we tried that do not give the side affects he does not want to take because of them. That is why you need a medication specialist like I see (if you have access). I know you have stated counseling but it would really help (speaking from my experience of wanting to withdraw from any social interaction) and finding why I felt that way and ways (including medication) to help change that mental outlook.

It takes work and I have empathy with you. My wife has serious health conditions that I am a care giver and takes a lot of my time. However I try to find time for myself to do things to reduce my stress and anxiety. How to find that is something a counselor can help you and your spouse find. Do not forget your mental and physical health and suggest you reach out to your medical provides about what you posted originally and asked for help.

@roseann4z
I feel for you. Are you getting mental health support with counseling for yourself? Are you able to talk with others who are also cancer survivors and need support? I can relate with having health issues and good/better/bad days and needing help on the not so good days. My situation leaves me with very little support and this makes it very difficult for me.

Would your husband come with you to group therapy for cancer survivors and their loved ones or couples counseling to help you cope as a cancer survivor? He may be able to get some support as a caregiver. It can be lonely and depressing as a caregiver while struggling with mental health issues of your own.

This is one of the easiest posts that I have ever had the pleasure of responding to.
Your husband is a selfish human being. If he lived by himself and wanted to be depressed and anxious I say it is stupid but it is his choice.
Since he has been married for 47 years and refuses to get treatment for his depression just makes him stupid and narcissistic.
Give him an either or ultimatum. Either he gets help or he gets out of the house. You are a cancer survivor and you don’t have to spend the remainder of your life living with an idiot. You don’t mention children but if the two of you have any along with grandchildren just enjoy them and let him wallow in his depressive state.
It is really probably too late and costly to get a divorce. If you have a second bedroom move in and just pretend he is not there. You don’t deserve to have to live like this.
Your husband is an idiot who doesn’t like the side effects from treating his depression. Anyone with depression who is this selfish deserves to be miserable everyday of his life. Just don’t let him take you with him.
Good luck to you.

Yes if you are a man SSRI’s can take away your sex drive which can be very hard on your partner.
I have a very simple solution for all males out there. That solution is 5mg of daily Cialis. I actually was diagnosed with normal testosterone but low free testosterone. That caused low libido as well. My PCP prescribed testosterone gel which I apply to my shoulder after every shower. Problem solved if you are a male.
Unfortunately it is not that easy for a female. Maybe your PCP has some suggestions. Perhaps you could cut back on your SSRI dosage and that might help. I went from taking a 100mg of Zoloft to 50mg. Wellbutrin can also help increase your sex drive. It is a balancing act but depression and anxiety is far worse than not being able to have an orgasm.
I wish you luck. Hopefully the next big breakthrough in antidepressants will be the elimination of sexual side effects. Whatever drug company comes up with that will be a company that I want to buy as much of their stock as I can afford to buy.

I'd be happy with a breakthrough: and the stock too!!

Had the situation when DH would not wear hearing aids. It is so hard - for SEVEN years I put up with being blamed for him not hearing what I said. It was always "You mumble" or "you need to stand in front of me so I can hear you".

HE had no clue how hard living with a person who cannot hear can be; and it is even more hard when you know they can use them because he would put them in to watch television: "Bluebloods" or a baseball game??

SO, I moved out. Just packed all my stuff and moved out. Four months later, he apologized and has been wearing his hearing aids regularly since. It cost me to move nearer my sons, in another state, plus I had to get a job - in a donut shop- to make up expenses.

But it worked, he FINALLY accepted he had a problem and he was making it my problem and making me miserable.