I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.

I don't know why I am typing this. Why I started an account and am putting this put there. I don't expect the way I feel to ever change.

Last night was my daughters wedding. She was absolutely beautiful and the event went perfect. From beginning to end it could not have been better for my daughter and her now husband. I've never seen her so happy.

Her mother and myself divorced 20 years ago. Her mom remarried shortly after we divorced and they just recently celebrated their 18 year anniversary. Her husband really is a great guy. He has shown my children nothing but love and respect from day one. He views my children as his own, and I have zero doubts now that he loves them.

When I heard my exwife was getting remarried I was filled with tremendous dread and fear. The thought of losing the only thing I had left in life to live for, my children, to another father figure caused me anxiety I've never felt before.

I made a promise to myself when I first found out I was gonna be a parent that I would always put my kids welfare and happiness first. I was gonna be the dad I wished I had. I never felt my dad loved me as much as he loved the different girls he dated growing up, so I vowed to never date seriously again. My kids will never know how I felt as a kid. More than once I heard my parents say how important their own happiness is while never seeming to worry about mine. So I vowed that I will step on any landmine and smile if it meant my kids avoiding unnecessary heartache and pain. I'll give up happiness for a time if needed so my kids can have it. So I did. I encouraged my kids to love and respect their step-dad and mother. Even though I hated them both. Even if it meant I spent every night without them crying into my pillow alone. And in time my kids grew to love him as much as he loves them. Because that is what was best for them.

Leading up to my daughter's wedding it was made known in a subtle way that my daughter would love for her step dad to be just as much a part of the wedding as me. That meant sharing my first look of my daughter in her wedding dress with a man deep down I considered my ultimate rival. Walking her down the isle with me holding one arm and him holding the other. For her happiness.

I could tell in the moment how much it meant not only to my daughter but also her step dad, her mom, and every member of his family.

I was pulled to the side by most every attendee and told how beautiful the ceremony was and how proud of me they were for sharing the moment with him. I smiled, lied and said it was my pleasure. It wasn't a total lie, seeing how much he loves my kids, knowing they can count on him felt good in the moment.

That brings us to today. Today I'm filled with more depression and lack of wanting to continue another day on this planet more than ever before. I've always secretly been depressed. Of course I hide that from my kids and anyone who might tell them. I refuse to be a casue of them being sad. They must not know.

I realize now I will never truly be happy. I hate myself. I'm still here today because I've always told myself my kids truly need me. Nobody loves them like I do... I learned last night that is not true.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid. Obviously if I did it would destroy my kids happiness and zero chance I'm doing that. So... based on previous family members lifes. I may have 40 more years on this planet. 40 years to watch my grandchildren call him grandpa. 40 years of putting on a fake smile. 40 years of crying alone at night. Knowing I will never be happy again.