I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.

Posted by michael1981 @michael1981, Feb 23 4:13pm

I don't know why I am typing this. Why I started an account and am putting this put there. I don't expect the way I feel to ever change.

Last night was my daughters wedding. She was absolutely beautiful and the event went perfect. From beginning to end it could not have been better for my daughter and her now husband. I've never seen her so happy.

Her mother and myself divorced 20 years ago. Her mom remarried shortly after we divorced and they just recently celebrated their 18 year anniversary. Her husband really is a great guy. He has shown my children nothing but love and respect from day one. He views my children as his own, and I have zero doubts now that he loves them.

When I heard my exwife was getting remarried I was filled with tremendous dread and fear. The thought of losing the only thing I had left in life to live for, my children, to another father figure caused me anxiety I've never felt before.

I made a promise to myself when I first found out I was gonna be a parent that I would always put my kids welfare and happiness first. I was gonna be the dad I wished I had. I never felt my dad loved me as much as he loved the different girls he dated growing up, so I vowed to never date seriously again. My kids will never know how I felt as a kid. More than once I heard my parents say how important their own happiness is while never seeming to worry about mine. So I vowed that I will step on any landmine and smile if it meant my kids avoiding unnecessary heartache and pain. I'll give up happiness for a time if needed so my kids can have it. So I did. I encouraged my kids to love and respect their step-dad and mother. Even though I hated them both. Even if it meant I spent every night without them crying into my pillow alone. And in time my kids grew to love him as much as he loves them. Because that is what was best for them.

Leading up to my daughter's wedding it was made known in a subtle way that my daughter would love for her step dad to be just as much a part of the wedding as me. That meant sharing my first look of my daughter in her wedding dress with a man deep down I considered my ultimate rival. Walking her down the isle with me holding one arm and him holding the other. For her happiness.

I could tell in the moment how much it meant not only to my daughter but also her step dad, her mom, and every member of his family.

I was pulled to the side by most every attendee and told how beautiful the ceremony was and how proud of me they were for sharing the moment with him. I smiled, lied and said it was my pleasure. It wasn't a total lie, seeing how much he loves my kids, knowing they can count on him felt good in the moment.

That brings us to today. Today I'm filled with more depression and lack of wanting to continue another day on this planet more than ever before. I've always secretly been depressed. Of course I hide that from my kids and anyone who might tell them. I refuse to be a casue of them being sad. They must not know.

I realize now I will never truly be happy. I hate myself. I'm still here today because I've always told myself my kids truly need me. Nobody loves them like I do... I learned last night that is not true.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid. Obviously if I did it would destroy my kids happiness and zero chance I'm doing that. So... based on previous family members lifes. I may have 40 more years on this planet. 40 years to watch my grandchildren call him grandpa. 40 years of putting on a fake smile. 40 years of crying alone at night. Knowing I will never be happy again.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

tslayden | @tslayden | May 31 11:42am

I am a retired psychologist. I highly recommend that you seek out psychotherapy from a psychologist or psychiatrist, and that if it’s just psychologist, then also include the help of a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner for medication. You may need to be on more than one medication to get the best effects, but the psychotherapy is extremely important when you are feeling the way you’re feeling. I wish the best for you as you seek out treatment. If you cannot afford a private psychiatrist or psychologist, mental health centers often have sliding fee scales.

aneli | @aneli | 1 day ago

@michael1981 Hola Michael, acabo de encontrar tu mensaje y refleja exactamente mi sentir diario. Entendí que nunca más seré feliz y me he pasado años fingiendo una felicidad que no siento, por no querer dañar a mis hijos. Me acostumbré a callar todos mis sentimientos reales y aprendí a fingir todo el tiempo, esperando que los años pasen para algún dia terminar con todo esto. Pero, es dolorosa la espera. No podría jamás ser la causante de tristeza y dolor a mis hijos, asi que es la única opción que tengo. Leer tu post fue poner en palabras como me siento. Espero que tú estés bien. Abrazos.

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sharona09 | @sharona09 | 1 day ago

My brother feels the same way you do about his children. You are a caring and loving man. I never realized how much he must be suffering in silence. Find a counselor with whom you can talk; you need to realize your feelings matter. The best thing you can do as a parent is give your kids the tools to become the best they can be. Sounds like you accomplished that. Allow yourself to find someone you can share with; it's okay to have a companion in life. Your kids want you to be happy, too.
P.S.
Your parents sound like my parents. My father was a minister, and everything centered around him keeping a job. Everyone was to play a part and keep their mouth shut. We carry the same roles in adult life as we did in our childhood. It gets embedded and ingrained in our personality. It's okay to have love in your life in addition to your children. Hugs to you, kiddo.. give yourself the human right to be happy.

redtop10 | @redtop10 | 1 day ago

In reply to @aneli "@michael1981 Hola Michael, acabo de encontrar tu mensaje y refleja exactamente mi sentir diario. Entendí que..." + (show)

Please write your comment in English as I would like to be able to read it, as I’m sure others would also

sharona09 | @sharona09 | 1 day ago

In reply to @redtop10 "Please write your comment in English as I would like to be able to read it,..." + (show)

There is a translation at end of the comment

sharona09 | @sharona09 | 1 day ago

In reply to @jsm23 "This can hardly be a unique experience, so for the benefit of anyone who finds this..." + (show)

@jsm23

This can hardly be a unique experience, so for the benefit of anyone who finds this post later, I'll offer a couple of words.

If you've been a good and involved father, I think it was wrong of your daughter to do that. Sometimes children can consider a step-parent to be their real parents, like my half-sister, whose dad left her as a little girl. But we as a culture have a real misunderstanding of what a step-parent is, I think in part because, semantically, "parent" is in the word. But some terms don't actually mean what they sound like. For example, "second generation immigrant" (I am one myself). A useful term, to be sure, to describe my unique experience, but a second generation immigrant is not at all an immigrant, even though "immigrant" is in the term. I am native-born. I should not be thought of as an immigrant, and in this case, I don't think the step-father should have been thought of as a parent. The semantics are a reason to show your daughter some grace. Definitely do what others are saying and speak to your daughter about how you feel; she's an adult.

That said, a step-parent can be a sort of stand-in for a parent, and given your description of how you were as a parent, I definitely think that's the case in this situation, in both life and in the symbolism of him also walking her down the aisle. (By the way, weddings are so performative, like a stage play. Show your daughter some grace for this reason, too.) I suppose she said, let's recognize the understudy, too, by letting him play the part alongside. If anything, you were such a great father, she wanted you there twice, and he was the additional stand-in for you.

That may not be a good thing that you were such a great dad that you got to be there twice. It speaks to what others are saying, that you've sacrificed your happiness too greatly. I agree that you need to seek counseling, and I am pretty anti- counseling. After all, her mom loves your daughter as much as you do, right, and does that bother or threaten you? Why her step-dad loving her bothers you is definitely some work you need a counselor for.

Jump to this post

I am a step-parent and I loved my step-daughter as my own. I could not have children, but I would have never infringed upon walking the daughter down the aisle. I hate to admit it, but that should be left to the parent.

Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | 1 day ago

In reply to @redtop10 "Please write your comment in English as I would like to be able to read it,..." + (show)

@redtop10 We have members from all over the world who come here to Mayo Clinic Connect. When they write in their native language which is not English, you can click at the bottom of their post “View Translation” and you will see the post translated into English.

I hope this helps.

island59 | @island59 | 1 day ago

Your children are moving with their lives. Although it is not your choice to have your wife leave and break up the family, it happened. Look in a new direction. If you love your children you have love to give someone else who needs it as much as you. Share your love and let go of the pain.

mikayla | @mikaylar | 18 hours ago

You can't wait 'til life isn't hard anymore to be happy!

daveshaw | @daveshaw | 16 hours ago

First I am so sorry for the struggles you are going through.
That being said I approached my mental health issues very differently with both my children. I was very open about my struggles and how I addressed them. This benefited all of us.
My son suffered his first bout of depression his freshman year of college and I was the first person he called. I am a big believer depression is genetic and runs in families and I was very open to explaining the struggles my mother had when I was growing up. People of that generation really didn’t know what depression was and unfortunately self medicated with alcohol. That led to a very dysfunctional family dynamic for me.
Once SSRI’s came out I was quick to embrace them and it was nice to put a name to what I had been going through for so many years.
I had an excellent PCP who prescribed Prozac and when I didn’t react well to it switched me to Zoloft:Sertraline. She also referred me to a great psychiatrist who became an integral part of my life. We talked and I was very open about my struggles. He was very open about the fact that some of his patients were very successful in their careers and more importantly were all very successful in their lives.
We tried different combinations of drugs and finally found something that worked for me. Sure there were setbacks and we addressed them as they came up. We finally arrived on a combination of Zoloft/Sertraline, Buspar, Wellbutrin and Clonazepam/ Klonopin. I know many will condemn the use of Klonopin but it worked for me and continues to work for me along with the other medications. Once I started feeling better and my ups and downs were more just a part of daily life I wanted to stop taking Zoloft because as anyone who takes it knows it’s one big drawback is sexual side effects. My wife who has recently passed away could never fully grasp the fact that it wasn’t something she did which was painful for me because I knew how bad severe depression was and was constantly trying other medications to try to minimize the sexual side effects. This was a black hole and her inability to understand this was still very difficult for her. Shortly before she passed away I discovered 5mg daily Cialis and started taking testosterone gel once a day after my shower in the morning. My sex drive came back but her diabetes had progressed to the point where it ultimately killed her. My great regret is that I wished she could have enjoyed my renewed sex drive because sex was very important to her. She equated sex with love because of a complicated relationship she had with her father.
Fast forward to today and I have found a new partner who can’t believe I ever suffered from sexual dysfunction.
Unfortunately we are both 74 and she has her own health issues. Life is complicated but now we are dealing with her health issues together.
Good luck to all of you out there. I hope by sharing my life with you maybe it will help someone else who suffered like I did and came out whole on the other side.
In closing I want to stress the importance of eating healthy and exercising. Those are things we can all do as a part of our daily lives.