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Morbid question: I'm really afraid of finding my husband dead

Posted by denise96 @denise96, Dec 21, 2024

Twice now I have found my husband who has late stage iv lung cancer and advanced COPD unresponsive and had to call an ambulance. I am so afraid one of these days I will find him dead. This terrifies me. He goes into respiratory distress because his lungs are not strong enough to push out the co2 in his system. The doctors want him to wear a bipap but he refuses to do so. He takes over 100 mg a day for pain and the doctor told him that with the escalating pain control with narcotics that there may come a point where a full code status won't work. He is on 80 mg of oxycodone, two time released xtampa (oxycontin er9) and also takes xanax. I know he takes more than he should. He will not allow me to dole them out to him as prescribed. He is very much addicted. I totally understand the pain he is in and the depression that comes along with knowing you are terminal. That has to be horrible. Everytime he is sleeping in his recliner, I check to see if he is still breathing. HIs breathing is so shallow that I have to watch for a few minutes. I don't know what I would do if he dies in his chair or does not get up from bed. I will lose it. I wish he wasn't sick and could be healthy again. And maybe if he passes away in his sleep that would be a blessing. But call me shallow, I don't want him to pass at home. Guess I am being selfish. Has anyone experienced this and what did you do? Sorry for such a morbid question, but I am really afraid of this happening. He is so sick. God help him.

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slarson14 | @slarson14 | Jul 16 6:20pm
In reply to @beaquilter "I'm guessing this reply is too late but I wanted to weigh in. Last summer my..." + (show)
Profile picture for beaquilter @beaquilter

I'm guessing this reply is too late but I wanted to weigh in.
Last summer my in-laws' health declined rapidly, my FIL had severe dementia and my MIL had a pacemaker and got a new battery in it and was not doing well, they had lived on their own until it was too many 911 calls, we lived 10 min from them and if my MIL went to the hospital my husband had to stay with his dad because he was not aware enough and would wander off.
It got to a point where we moved them in with us but it was a big mistake because of both in bad health and up all hours of the night, arguing or rummaging around the house, we were all losing our minds! we really tried! So my husband and I moved them back to their little house and my husband went there during the day and cooked them 3 meals a day and made sure there was ice cream for them for their midnight snack!
at some point 911 got called late at night because my MIL fell, and I went to the hospital to be with my MIL...
anyways things escalated health wise, hospice got involved, we hired a CNA to be there 8-5 at first then it ended up she stayed overnight M-F and my husband lived there on weekends!
At the end my MIL was on oxygen and heavy pain meds, I think liquid morphine my husband had to give his mom by squirting in her cheek! He felt like he was putting her down! She got worse and wasn't eating or even crying, we tried to get her into a hospice house locally but they refused and said she wasn't "actively" dying, I argued and said she hadn't eaten for a week etc. our hospice reworked the paperwork and resubmitted and it got accepted the next day but the hospice house didn't have a bed! We knew we'd run out of time, that my MIL would probably pass away that night, but she didn't and that morning, I went to see my husband there watching his parents and hospice called that they had a bed at the hospice house (a different company) so a nurse wasn't going to come because they'd arrange transfer that afternoon! I told them my FIL is now not eating and completely out of it, so the nurse agreed to come and just see him! She arrived maybe an hour or so later and we greeted her at the door and my husband walked by his mom's room and didn't see her chest moving! she had passed away!!
The nurse called TOD and called the morgue etc... I told my husband to tell his dad that his mom died, it took several different ways of saying it: Grandma died, your wife passed away, mom died etc.... and he just lowered his head and was sad! then I helped the nurse get my FIL in there to sit and hold my MIL's hand.... He was non-verbal at this time, no idea what's going on still, but once his felt his wife's hand he looked up and saw she had passed and lowered his head again and was just sad, not saying anything, not crying....
The funeral home people came and we had called our kids too.
All this happened for a reason, I didn't want grandma (my MIL) to die in the house, but if she hadn't, then grandpa wouldn't have been able to say goodbye that way! We also prayed over her body outside on a beautiful day! God's timing was perfect!
my FIL passed away 11 days later!
(and now my husband has stage 4 prostate cancer- plus I told that to my mom who's in a nursing home and she passed away 2 weeks after the diagnosis!) so..... ROUGH year! But God's got this!! It's ok to be sad and cry, I'm not looking forward to the day of my husband being at this point! I still have PTSD from my in-laws, and my mom (but she was overseas so I didn't get to see her)

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My goodness beaquilter!!
My heart goes out to you and bless you both for being there for them all.

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